Hi. This is my first post here. I am here because I am in an extremely bad place at the moment and I do not know what to do or who to talk to. I am being mentally destroyed by this and I desperately need to get it out. I haven't spoken about this with anybody. Please do not judge me I am so scared and disgusted that I feel suicidal. That is not an easy thing for me to say. But I am so so low. This is such a mess that I don't even know where to start with this. In August 2012 I was attacked in my home, the same house I am still living in now. I don't want to go into detail too much, the man who did this was somebody I kind of knew, but not well. He seriously attacked me in my own Kitchen, it was horrible and horrendous. 2 years ago it took me to a darker place than I thought imaginable. But I've been coping with it, nobody knows and I don't want them to. For personal reasons that would be too difficult for me to do. I had been coping with this okay and living my life. But now I have been struck with these soul crushing feelings of shame and guilt and this feeling that it was my own fault and that I deserved it. I have my reasons for this.......I badly need to talk about this so please don't judge me. In 2010 I joined an adult chat website to earn money - people pay to talk about adult topics. I had my account for about 3 months before I stopped using it, I only took a few phone calls during that time, maybe 5 or 6. I joined this website because I was desperate to earn money and I thought that would be a great way to get some. My profile on that website was shameful - I stated that I would talk about anything, that I had no taboos (I described graphic examples, the worst things you can think of) I did this because I knew somebody else who was earning a lot of money doing it. I stopped using it because I was disturbed by what I was talking about. I stopped doing it and forgot all about it. I hadn't thought about that job at all,not even around the time I was assaulted. It's only last week when my friend mentioned it in conversation that it hit me like a steam train. I remembered my old profile and the deep deep shame and self hatred that has come from this is immense. How could I have ever done such a hideous thing, how am I any better than evil? I know this may sound extreme to some people (Maybe not?) but it's how I feel right now, suicide is on my mind. What's worse is that my old profile was never taken down, it had my picture on it, and now I have no way of finding it - don't remember the name I used, and I don't remember the email address I used. My face is connected to something like that!!! What if it gets seen? People will know how disgusting I am. I feel like the worst person in the world. For the past 2 years I have been coping with what happened to me, because I felt it wasn't my fault, now I blame myself, feel like I deserved it. That is what is destroying me right now. I am petrified of people finding out, and seeing me as a worthless evil person, it's how I feel about myself. My picture is tied to that hideous thing forever and I can't change it. I feel as bad as the man who attacked me and it's the worst feeling I have felt in my life. I feel dirty, disgusting and worthy of hatred. Even though I haven't spoken to anybody else who has been through the same thing, I feel as though I can't now anyway. How can I be honest about why I feel this way? How can I tell people about that horrible job I did without them thinking I am evil and deserved it. I feel like I don't deserve help or compassion and it's destroying me. I need so so so much to get some help because I am sinking into a place that scares me, suicide is on my mind daily. I self harmed yesterday. People in my life have no idea, they haven't got a clue. I don't want to be seen as a bad person. I don't want this to define me but right now I LOATHE myself beyond words. I feel people will judge me for this, but I needed to get it down somewhere. So thank you. Rachel.