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So terrified, I hate myself.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alone, Sep 11, 2014.

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  1. Alone

    Alone Member


    This is my first post here. I am here because I am in an extremely bad place at the moment and I do not know what to do or who to talk to. I am being mentally destroyed by this and I desperately need to get it out. I haven't spoken about this with anybody. Please do not judge me I am so scared and disgusted that I feel suicidal. That is not an easy thing for me to say. But I am so so low.

    This is such a mess that I don't even know where to start with this.

    In August 2012 I was attacked in my home, the same house I am still living in now. I don't want to go into detail too much, the man who did this was somebody I kind of knew, but not well. He seriously attacked me in my own Kitchen, it was horrible and horrendous. 2 years ago it took me to a darker place than I thought imaginable. But I've been coping with it, nobody knows and I don't want them to. For personal reasons that would be too difficult for me to do.

    I had been coping with this okay and living my life. But now I have been struck with these soul crushing feelings of shame and guilt and this feeling that it was my own fault and that I deserved it. I have my reasons for this.......I badly need to talk about this so please don't judge me.

    In 2010 I joined an adult chat website to earn money - people pay to talk about adult topics. I had my account for about 3 months before I stopped using it, I only took a few phone calls during that time, maybe 5 or 6. I joined this website because I was desperate to earn money and I thought that would be a great way to get some. My profile on that website was shameful - I stated that I would talk about anything, that I had no taboos (I described graphic examples, the worst things you can think of) I did this because I knew somebody else who was earning a lot of money doing it. I stopped using it because I was disturbed by what I was talking about. I stopped doing it and forgot all about it.

    I hadn't thought about that job at all,not even around the time I was assaulted. It's only last week when my friend mentioned it in conversation that it hit me like a steam train. I remembered my old profile and the deep deep shame and self hatred that has come from this is immense. How could I have ever done such a hideous thing, how am I any better than evil? I know this may sound extreme to some people (Maybe not?) but it's how I feel right now, suicide is on my mind.

    What's worse is that my old profile was never taken down, it had my picture on it, and now I have no way of finding it - don't remember the name I used, and I don't remember the email address I used. My face is connected to something like that!!! What if it gets seen? People will know how disgusting I am. I feel like the worst person in the world. For the past 2 years I have been coping with what happened to me, because I felt it wasn't my fault, now I blame myself, feel like I deserved it. That is what is destroying me right now.

    I am petrified of people finding out, and seeing me as a worthless evil person, it's how I feel about myself. My picture is tied to that hideous thing forever and I can't change it. I feel as bad as the man who attacked me and it's the worst feeling I have felt in my life.

    I feel dirty, disgusting and worthy of hatred. Even though I haven't spoken to anybody else who has been through the same thing, I feel as though I can't now anyway. How can I be honest about why I feel this way? How can I tell people about that horrible job I did without them thinking I am evil and deserved it. I feel like I don't deserve help or compassion and it's destroying me.

    I need so so so much to get some help because I am sinking into a place that scares me, suicide is on my mind daily. I self harmed yesterday.

    People in my life have no idea, they haven't got a clue.

    I don't want to be seen as a bad person. I don't want this to define me but right now I LOATHE myself beyond words.

    I feel people will judge me for this, but I needed to get it down somewhere. So thank you.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi to you We all make mistakes ok wel all do things we regret later try not to be so hard on yourself ok. With regards to the assault please talk to someone you do not have to go into details but just let someone know you were harmed and you need to tell someone ok. A coucilor a therapist out of town even someone that can tell you it was not your fault an attack is never the victims fault I am sorry you are suffering so much No one will judge you here we all carry our own shame with us Please continue to talk to us ok hugs
  3. Alone

    Alone Member

    Thank you for getting back to me.

    I really want to stop feeling like this, but I feel like a don't deserve to. Does that make sense? Because I feel so ashamed of myself. I feel like I deserved it to happen, like it served me right. I cannot put into words how much I hate myself, I wish I was someone else.

    I know you are giving me good advice, and thank you for it, but for me, talking to someone face to face is impossible right now. Living with what happened has become a new normal over the past 2 years.

    I feel so much shame about myself it seems bottomless. I feel like there is nobody worse than me.

    Sorry to bring up something so awful, but Robin Williams said a few years ago that he had "done something that would cause disgust, and that's hard to live with".......I understand how he must have been feeling now.

    I keep on trying to list the positive things about myself in my head. I have never hurt anybody, I care about people, I care about the planet and animals. I am compassionate...........but these things get smashed to pieces when I think of what people would think of me if they ever saw that profile. Then I think about what their reactions would be if they found out what happened. It wasn't my fault what happened, but that doesn't mean I didn't deserve it.

    I feel like I am totally alone in this, I know everybody has a different life, but I just feel so isolated and scared.

    I'm 27 years old and I feel like I am defined by what has happened over the past few years. My life feels like it's run it's course and that there is no way out.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There is ALWAYS a way out ok always and i know about shame and guilt but don't let it destroy your future ok. You can move forward and in time when you feel a little stronger you reach out i assure you no therapist would ever ever judge you or blame you please we all make mistakes we regret we do things at the time to survive and don't thing

    It is NOT your fault the attack no way i hear you i do and i do hope you reach out don't let fear stop you from healing ok you do deserve care you do deserve understanding hu gs
  5. Alone

    Alone Member

    Thank you total eclipse. I am in such a mess right now that it's hard for me to respond I am just blurting out my stream of thoughts. I am going to get some sleep now but wanted to say that I am ok I'm not about to do anything drastic or anything. Thank you again x
  6. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    I would feel the same if I were in your situation. Continue to share your thoughts with us. We will be listening.
  7. Aufo8mycow

    Aufo8mycow Member

    You poor thing buto listen we all do things in life we regret. Enel the whiter than white people who seem so righteous there will be a lot of skeletons in their closet I can assure you.

    What's done is done you can't change the past but you can look to the future and if anyone does find your old profile laugh it off and tell them jokingly how smutty they are for looking. I'm gay and belive me some of the things I got upto in my past I am not proud of but would never let anyone use it as a weapon against me.

    As for the assault. I understand your desire to forget it but your mind is saying it can't you either need to report it or talk to someone in how you are feeling.

    I truly wish you well and I am a complete hypocritical when I say suicide is not the answer but clearly you are suffering from anxiety and depression and I can say with certainty things will get better.

    Much love. Chris x
  8. Alone

    Alone Member

    Thank you so much for these kind replies. Chris your post has made me feel a bit better today. I am just completely unsure of myself right now. I don't know how much of my emotions right now are based on paranoia. I want to stop feeling so bad but that is easier said than done. I wish I was somebody else so much. I am thinking about suicide all the time, I imagine how it would make my family feel and that makes me want to cry. I am trying to think of how I could be happy but it's clouded by so much.
  9. Alone

    Alone Member

    I have managed to dig up my old profile. It is no where near as bad as I had thought. It's embarrasing, but it doesn't have my picture on it and it is just no where near as bad as I thought. I think sometimes that my mind is deflecting my real problem. Is that possible? I have noticed it a lot more since it happened, I will obsess about things for days or weeks on end but not think what happened. I am so confused and feel so trapped in a cycle. I want to talk to somebody more than anything but don't know how to do it.
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