So the pattern repeats.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by steve518, Oct 8, 2015.

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  1. steve518

    steve518 New Member

    Forgot I even had this account; just the fact that I feel no different than I did 9 years ago proves that I shouldn't be here. I've tried it all, medication and counseling. <Mod Edit: Methods>

    I've rearranged my life, made positive changes, sought help. Nothings changed. I'm still miserable. I don't understand. Whats wrong with me. 9 Fin years. . .You know, that's so messed up; even more so, I've been feeling this way since I was 12 years old. So here I am, 27 now, writing a stupid thread on a forum hoping that it'll change the way I feel.

    Is it wrong to not want to subject myself to another 40-50 years of misery? I think I've done more then enough time, I've given it a good shot, wouldn't you agree? Honestly tell me I haven't tried hard enough. I don't want to come back to this site in another 10 years and say the same tired lines.

    All I want is a "yes". Yes you've tried and now you can rest.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 10, 2015
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The fact you are still here shows you are a fighter and you are meant to be living. Have you tried ECT or other treatments that are now New to help hard to treat depression Yes i hope you continue to reach out here for support It is a good place to be heard and to be understood
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Steve, Hi, I beg your pardon? I am glad that you have posted again, <Mod Edit Methods> if you are not going to use it then please put it i can go on introducing myself at least a little bit! i don't know about you, I like cats, That cat on my profile as my icon was one I got from a shelter 6 years ago, she had been neglected & abused, she did not trust or like people, she had been at the shelter for almost 7 months I believe, I had seen her several times, I asked about her, i was told that no one wanted a cat with her attitude towards people! I was told I could have her for free, they generally charge $80, I told the manager of the shelter. she has been here long enough, i will take her, I paid the $80, I said I will value her more if i pay for her, I was glad I did, She was without a doubt the most remarkable cat I had ever seen, it was the best money I had ever spent in my life, she was a very special precious little gift to me, For the 2nd time in my life I had invested my heart in something, The first was a woman, I met and fell in love with, I only had her in my life for 3 years, she died suddenly, no warning, no notice, I was devastated, I believe I still am, I am still in love with her, The 2nd was this cat, I was so taken with her an I think she was in turn with me I could go on for hours, on Nov 2nd 2013 I heard a commotion I heard one of my cats crying in Pain a little more then 3 years after I Got Willow Whisper, that cat, she too was taken from me no notice no warning, I was once again brought to my knees. I value you Steve, you are worth living you have been around, It sounds like you have had your share of pain, I am sorry, but please stay here with us when you can be here and talk with people see where they are coming from an ask where they are going, they have value, you have been here before, share what you have been through since you were last here, talk to me or talk to others I will not give you a yes Steve! I think that you have suffered I am sorry with all I have been through, all I have seen the world is a much better place then where you want to go In my opinion! I made a good choice when I picked that Special Little Cat, I promise I won't keep talking about her unless you want to hear more! Please Stay for a while Steve, thank you for taking the time to listen to what I have to say! You are important! Thank You!
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 10, 2015
  4. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    these forums are pro-life so we can only encourage you to keep on trying. honestly as long as your cognition is still good i would keep on going. where there is brains there is possibility. i'm afraid that in 10 years i'll be dumber from too much coffee grinding, and so on, so i want to die while i'm still in my cognitive prime.

    but i don't know if i'll even have my school debts paid off by maybe i should kill myself before starting my bachelor's degree? (transferring from associate's to bachelors program) hmmmmmm
  5. steve518

    steve518 New Member

    I'm a coward if anything. What is ECT? What more can I do. At this point I don't care anymore, I would try anything.

    Losing a pet is one of the worst thing in the world. I will never own another. I suppose that is what triggered this episode. My German Shepard basically died in my arms Monday morning at 3:30 AM. She had been sick for a while, we were going to drive to my parents house later that day so my dad could bring her to the vet to be put to sleep. (I couldn't do it, and she really liked my dad, she was always nervous and didn't like many people.)

    I had gotten up to go to the bathroom and when I returned I laid down. A minute or two later I heard Phoenix choking or throwing up. So I jumped up to move her head so she wasn't laying in vomit. I picked her up and she was limp. She was my best and only friend. One of the few reasons I wasn't dead. Now shes gone and I have nothing.
  6. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Steve, I am so Sorry, If I had know, I might not have used Willow or any one of my pets, I had no Idea that you even had a dog or a pet at all.
    When I lost my 3rd pet in 3 years in Aug, I thought I would just die, I only used Willow because I had posted her for someone else to see. It really hurts me to see her over and over on here.

    I had lost Smootsie because a vet did not check further for other issues after he found 1 he treated her for, Smootsie was a cat that bonded with me at her birth, she had no choice in the matter, her bond is/was as binding as any anything in the world, I had her for 18 years. I have her mother rubbing against me now, Smootsie Died in my arms too, I held her until at 3 am that morning I felt her take a deep breath an go limo. I knew she was dying and I too could do nothing, I believe that was the worst feeling for me to be that helpless and be unable to help in any way. Smootsie was always my baby. I always called her my Forever Baby.

    I have lost what I feel and believe is almost every thing, I have 2 cats left now, I Have Smootsie's mom Callie and Flicka a coon cat I got 6 years, They both are my constant companions and company, Steve I believe I know how much you are hurting, I could feel it in the words you used in your first post. I really believe right now this Forum is where you need to be, please, if and when you are ready, let me know how you are doing, I share the pain you are feeling, I feel it every day and every way, know that ! will be here
    even if we don't talk much, just knowing an feeling we can understand each other. We both took in pets that were not the every day kind of pets, I hope you stick around.
  7. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Well im in the same spot, im 30, got this account since long ago, and im suffering from depression since im like 16 or so.
    Thing is, i cant really give you a good answer because this website is all about making positive and completely
    ignoring and removing the negative, so if ill try to give you a good answer, i will be banned.
    So all i can say which is withing the rules of this website is: hold on
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