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So, there here I am again...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Oni, Jun 13, 2009.

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  1. Oni

    Oni Active Member

    I haven't had the urge to come over here. I did have a nice chat with someone on SF about 2 months ago, and I pretty much thought, it'll be alright by then. I tried to manage, but as time goes by I, my life, my interests... it's all devolving. And I don't even have any energy spare to try and fight it.

    I have had a thread up here, but it seemed buried and it was pretty much a different story all in all. It seems that I'm rolling from the one thing that might trigger into the next one.

    I wouldn't specifically say that I am on the verge of offing myself, I am considering, but I don't even have any energy left to do so.

    I was at the psychotherapist last week, which I've been seeing for about 9 months now (once a month).

    Last time I was there I wrote down my stuff in a rather cynical way, things that are on my mind, things organised in what I have for future plans and whatnot. She found that even my side of the story, my future plans, my outlook, wasn't even sparkling. Not saying negative, as perspective on studying is a good thing. Moving to another city is another one. However, the tone, the underlying message was one of something to be described as "worse than despair", and I do believe her, if she told me she hasn't heard anything like that in her career. In a way it was shocking to me. Throwing a black hole at a therapist where even he/she says... "whoah!" we did talk about outlooks, suicide and the possibility for euthanasia. Not directly euthansia, but similar... we talked options.

    In a way, it did bother me, that even a professional like that, would point out to me, that suicide wouldn't be too far off. It did bother me, as stuff like that doesn't even bother me. There's a couple of things that bother me, and dying isn't one of them.

    So, this week I was there, and she wasn't really comfortable with me being there and doing my talk. It caught my attention that she wasn't really at ease like she usually is. So yeah, we tried the approach on the future outlooks, the positive ones. And even there, I was like... "I don't really care anymore. If it requires any effort, I'm not having it." We had a talk about not having any energy, feeling all jacked-up mentally, and really not physically.

    So we ended up in medical options. I either
    - Try and see if I can find this small spark left to get my thing going.
    - Make an attempt to kill myself (if unsuccesfull, i'll probably end up in a mental institute)
    - get a hold of Prozac or anything

    Getting me into a mental institute wasn't an option. As I'm not (visibly) harming myself and thus, just have a clouded mind, which by standards is not enough to "institute" someone.

    Now, the options; I am trying, but the spark is long gone for as far as I know. I reject any kind of medicine bar painkillers... as headaches will just get worse out of frustrations. And any attempt...I don't have the power to do so. And to add with it, I am equally bothered by it, that if I die, I'd like to go out with a bang. Not neccisarily anything bad... but rather stuff like, composing your own music for your funeral and stuff like that.

    Even this felt like a lot of effort to even put up. I might add up more, if people have questions, go ahead, people that like to talk or discuss. Go...
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    All I can say is that I read your post and I am so sorry you are feeling awful...I do hope you find that spark again...J
  3. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    The big challenge, of course, is living through each day without the energy and without the spark.

    The potential for that spark is always out there. It may not be available to you today, or tomorrow, or even a month from tomorrow. But if you trudge through each day anyway, running on empty but still running, then eventually you may find yourself presented with a genuine opportunity to live a better life.

    It's just a matter of trudge, trudge, trudge.
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