(With apologies to John Lennon) The only way I make it through the night is by drugging myself. So far it's nighttime cold pills. Thinking about investing in Nyquil. Used to be the sopporiphic in it was alcohol, so I'd get a light buzz. Don't know if they've changed that. It's the days that I can't stand now. Lying in bed I can make up fantasies about going back in time to change things, or swooping in with some fantastical change to events. Something, anything to change the horror of what's happened. I get up, and start my 'day'. And have to face what is at every turn. I can't take this. I wish to god the holidays were over, I wish there weren't any important day within a week in either direction, I wish to god she didn't hate me, I wish to god she still cared. I wish to god she wanted to resolve things and not just pretend we never cared for each other or shared a happy memory or had any connection at all. I don't know how to get through this. When every minute of every day is torture, how the hell do I make it through a day, much less nine? And how the hell am i supposed to face a family gathering, where everyone wants to see how cheery I am for the holiday, when the greatest gift I could ask for is death? Christmas was always my favorite holiday, not just for the presents but seeing the joy in my family's heart as they'd open theirs. It was never the price of the presents, but the value, born of choosing presents they'd wanted and would love. Right now I couldn't care less. I love them all, but just wish it weren't christmas so I could kill myself without ruining the holiday for them. I hate this day, not because it's Christmas, but because it's one more I have to live through, knowing she couldn't care less about me, when I couldn't care more about her.