so this is it...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by walkingwounded, Aug 27, 2011.

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  1. i dont know why im posting i probably just want to find somene who semi understands to talk too.
    Ive previously slit a wrist, although it was some time ago, and i guess not a very serious attempt.
    over the past 4 weeks ive been to hospital 3 seperate times, taken three overdoses, two whilst in hospital, and have cut both of my wrists badly leaving my arms looking like absolute sh*t. Within the past 5 weeks ive lost my job, my girlfriend, lost the trust and respect of my family... Tonight im lower than ive ever been. I dont have the strength to pick myself up from this
  2. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Im glad that you posted, hopefully it will help somewhat to write about what's going on and how you're feeling? Sorry to hear though that so much is going on for you recently.. you've had some major losses in your life and it is understandable that you're finding things so very difficult. Were the hospital staff helpful to you at all? And is there a crisis line you can call in moments like these when things seem so totally hopeless? I'm not sure what country you're in but if in the UK something like the samaritans can be helpful?

    I really do hear that you don't feel you have the strength to pick yourself up from this, and i don't mean to sound cliched but please do hang on in there.. today is a bad day and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow may well be too.. but things will not always be this bad. I know it may feel impossible to believe and in no way do i want to undermine your feelings as they are very real.. i just hope that you'll hold on through this incredibly tough time to get through to better days and a brighter future.

  3. Thanks for replying.

    The hospital staff were useless. Unfortunately i AM in the UK so all the joys of our lovely NHS. Kept in overnight, sent on my way the next day. Number of referals through the hospital and follow up with my GP, but no plans to attend. I find medical professionals amazingly patronising... there is always a box you should apparently fit in to...

    Thanks for the positivity, i try and tell myself that. In reality things seem to be getting worse as time goes on
  4. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    I'm in the UK too and work for the NHS so kinda understand where you're coming from. I'm under the mental health team and my CPN is actually quite good but basically tells me it's up to me to keep myself safe.. which I do becuase I'm in a better place than i was.. but then what if i didnt want to keep myself safe!? I've heard very mixed reports about NHS help.. maybe I've just been lucky. That doesn't help you though, and it's bloody difficult to be positive if everything in your life is so very negative right now and there's no real professional help available.

    Are you not planning on going to your GP or to any mental health team appointment etc? Can I ask why.. i mean, is it because of past experience which has shown you that itd be a waste of time etc. or something else? You mention you find them patronising but i wonder if you'd be able to say that to them outright.. i'm just wondering if you could get some medication which may be able to help you through this, but of course you'd need to attend an appointment either with them or your GP for that (or are you already on medication)

    Sorry for all the questions!
    Jenny x
  5. No offence intended at all! Im probably generalising, ive just not really had a good experience with them as of late at all.

    Absolutely right though... ive been told exactly the same, that its up to me to keep myself safe. Sometimes i just dont want to. A lot recently ive just not wanted to... so what happens then?

    Ive been on antidepressents for a while, and sleeping tablets as and when i need them. I suffer pretty badly from insomnia at times. Ive seen my GP since but dont plan on going again as there isnt really much more they can offer that doesnt involve some form of counciling or CBT which im not a massive fan of. Guess its the same as keeping safe... what if i dont want to be helped?
  6. I appreciate you taking the time to reply anyway

  7. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Just stopping by to let you know that your threads here... They are being read, and your voice is being heard. With kindest personal regards... Mr. A
  8. Mr. A thats really appreciated right now, thank you
  9. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni


    No offence taken, don't worry I'm not a nurse or anything :)

    I guess their aims are to keep us alive and to an extent it is up to us to keep ourselves safe.. but as you say, what if you don't want to keep safe anymore. Sometimes the pain does outweigh the ability/want to stay alive.. i'm just sorry that you don't feel able to get any help from the team/GP. I hear what you're saying about CBT etc maybe they're the only things they feel able to offer.. but again, it depends on us wanting them.

    Is there anything that could help you right now? I mean anything that you enjoy doing like shopping, swimming, taking a walk in the woods, going to the beach etc. that would give you some time out from your thoughts and pain? It may only be a temporary release but sometimes it's good to have a break from the pain.

    Does it help to write here? I don't know about you but sometimes it helps me to just know that i'm not alone.. and that someone cares.

    Jenny x
  10. As far i know there isnt really a lot else they can offer at all so i guess thats just how it is. Im not even sure what else, if anything, could help at all anyway. Just frustrating.

    Im doing my best just to keep busy, making/listening to music, trying to get out and be active... its just hard right now as i dont really have the motivation to do any of this, im going through to motions even to myself :-S

    Putting stuff down in writing and having other people that understand definitely helps though. Its hard trying to explain feeling this way to someone who hasnt been there themselves. I always find people who havent been in this position try and rationalise everything, as if there is some sort of explination or answer to it all.

    Its a lot easier to distract myelf during the daytime... but at night it gets difficult... dont know if you find the same?
  11. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Oh totally find it the same! Although i dread going to work I often find myself so much better when I'm at work and am distracted. But it's the night/evening time that's often worse for me too.. seems there's less around to be distracted by? Even if I've had a really full day and gone out in the evening, I still can feel awful as soon as am back home alone. Do you live alone?

    I'm glad that writing/sharing helps.. it definitely is harder for people who haven't been here to know what it's like and in my experience they have the tendancy of saying rather odd/wrong things! My mum told me all I needed to do was eat chicken (I'm vegetarian).. OHHHHH of course!!! Another favourite is "just feel better"! Well, i hadn't thought of that D'OH!!

    Sounds good that you're trying to be active.. do you play a musical instrument?

    Hope your day today is going ok.. it's a long weekend here in the UK so am hoping it'll go well for you
    Jenny x
  12. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    The nights are far too long; left with the silence and your thoughts! It's my worst time too. I have read your threads and alot of it was like reading extracts from my diary hun! I badly overdosed at the end of April, i have been admitted to the psych ward for a few days since for my own safety. My friends and family have, nearly, all been distant with me. I have been referred for support workers and see a psychologist once a fortnight. I am just going though the motions with it all, hoping something will work but doubting it very much. the nhs are crap here too! I was told the other day that i have to be responsible for my own safety!!! I said how do i do that when i am that low that i don't want help? because if you help me you will stop me killing myself and thats what i dont want when im like that! They had no answer! So its minute by minute, hour by hour, get up and go to bed, 'till this all stops! For now i pretend i'm ok and i do what i need to. You are not alone, there are so many of us in the boat on here! Struggling to hold on a little longer!
  13. So frustrating to be told that! They dont seem to understand if keeping yourself safe was that easy that you wouldnt be sat in front of them having the conversation in the first place!!!

    Its things like that which leave me with little faith in doctors and hospitals. Ive been referred on for a number of things which ive declined. Probably not the best of ideas, but ive tried councilling and various other things in the past and it just doesnt appeal to me at all. Its no use having the conversation with someone who has absolutely no idea what its like to be in that position, and that thought process.

    I just find myself putting on the appearance things are ok to make family and friends feel better. Doesnt really help anything though does it x
  14. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    No it doesn't but we feel we have to because if they could see how we really feel ALL of the time it would hurt them too much! So we hide it to protect them but leaving ourselves with it all tied up in knots inside!
    They do want us to fit in neat little boxes because they are shooting in the dark, they don't know what will help us, they have a set route that they want everyone to follow to get better but everyone is different and every mental health problem is different in different people so no set route will work for everyone! Sorry they drive me mad, so patronising! And if my psychiatrist asks me one more time "what do you think we should be doing for you to get better" What do i know? If i knew wouldn't i have done it lol!!!! But we struggle on somehow :rolleyes:
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