This is what I've been reduced to, this is what people think of me. MY BROTHER aka dylan's dad...he thinks I'm a fuckin doormat. I paid his fuckin bail which I regret whole heartedly..i wish i let him sit behind bars and think about the shit that he's doing to his son and this family. He's so fuckin ungrateful, he wonders why I'm so angry with him, he wonders why I'm so short and nasty to him. Than he has the balls to fuckin' tell me that I'm a worthless whore!!! FUCK HIM!! FRIENDS OR SUPPOSED FRIENDS I get thrown up against a wall by the throat by an ex guy friend and asked why I haven't killed myself yet and that if i needed help doing it to let him know. Is this is what my life is reduced to...people actually waiting for me to die? I mean it's so easy to do and the only reason I've been fighting this long was for Dylan and now for Josh. Without Josh I doubt I'd be here. He actually got me to dump my pills down the toilet which is a huge step for me, but I feel like I'm struggling just to smile. I wish he was here now just so I could wrap my arms around him and hear him say that it'll be okay. I love him so much and it's breaking me inside to know that we are so far from being together. I dont know if it'll ever be okay though. I hope and sometimes pray that it will be but I dont know. I feel like for every step I take towards the positive I get punched twice in the stomach to push my further back. I hate being whiney and I know people don't give a shit but I find it completely unfair that good people are treated so shitty. I wonder how far I need to be pushed before I really do go over the deep end and there's no coming back. I know that people truly don't care..i've realized that lately that it's just a waiting game...i know that I don't matter in the realm of real life or in the realm of SF. I know I'll get the few ppl saying I do care ohh huggy hugggy..but what it comes down to is...i know what my worth is..and it's nothing. So.....i can't fight for what's not there.