So tiny

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itmahanh, Mar 5, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Feel like I'm teeny weeny. I cant fight. I know it's gonna win again. Been like this all day and just gonna give in cuz it's too big to keep away anymore.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yeh me too feeling very small no power at all. You can do this okay you can walk away get a bath i just did listen to music put a favorite movie on hug the little one whatever thought it is let it go let it go just look at what you have okay your little one and i have my daughter she is not whole but she is still here and i am grateful for that. even the tiniest of creatures can survive with their wit and will Hang in there with your friends because together we can win we just have to take each minute at a time I hope you find that fighter again soon.
     
  3. aviewfromchaos

    aviewfromchaos Well-Known Member

    the small things in life are always the best. =] hang in there.
     
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sitting here trying so hard to figure out how to get rid of the 20 minutes this time.
     
  5. aviewfromchaos

    aviewfromchaos Well-Known Member

    i would suggest put on some music. i dunno what sort you like, but metal seems to always calm me down. ironic, i know.
     
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    ben sitting ehre experimentint with the scrips and well feel really out of ut. but i knowi have the right combo thank you doc for confirming that lol now when to use it and how to make it work fastwr so no more 20 mins forthe dos to save . wtf why try and find a time now is good as any bottle of vex is allchiled maybetake that ansd go for awakl in the country darkness adn see howfar i go. dam it close myeyes and like bedspins only like at about 200 ,iles an hour needto lay dowen i think or walk or smething naw ttrry to get out te door f or tha walk wit my little vex and coctail frend. Sounds nice doenst it; so todles xo
     
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    no Carla...don't do it......What about your friends on here...we will all suffer....
    what about your children?...they need you too...
    you deserve better than dying....stay...stay..stay...
     
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Please let us know how you are if/when you can.
     
  9. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    What is too big that would make you give in? I'm just trying to understand. :(
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2010
  10. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    I routing for you!! :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2010
  11. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    Please hang in there. I know how hard it is. Just tell your self I just need to make it one more day. Do it one day at a time. Sometimes that helps me.
     
  12. brueyh1976

    brueyh1976 Well-Known Member

    hey Carla, come on honey. You know what I'm going to say, well I'm gonna say it anyway. Hold my hand and between the two of us, we'll keep holding on and take it one day at a time.
     
  13. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Carla, are you alright?
     
  14. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm running out of time. Everything is going to start happening Sunday night and through the next few days to follow ( and I'm sure even longer than that). I cant deal with any of it. I'm sorry but I cant. Think what you want about me but I'm not the rock you all think I am. I'm a teeny little mouse caught in a huge trap and just want the pain to end. Last night proved to me that it will work this time. And being away from contact will have to be a must. Just so damn scared. You'd think after all the times I've attempted that I wouldnt be but I am. Even knowing that once the method starts to work you feel and see nothing. Every single time, cuz it's not what I want but its what I need to stop all the shit. Everything is so confusing and out of control, everything, except suicide. Why the Hell does it have to be like that? So many things I want from life yet. But they cant happen if all this other shit is going on. Not much of a choice is it.
     
  15. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Do you want to tell us what starts happening on Sunday night?
     
  16. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    My little one comes home. Home to exactly what he left. Promises made of help for him and me and NOTHING. Thank you CFS. I'm not ready. I cant do the Mommy thing yet. I cant even be responsible for myself. How am I suppose to keep it together for him? But because of certain circumstances he has to come back here. Once again, not ready nor mentally healthy but have to tuck it all away and be a Mom. I cant. I cant TUCK IT ALL AWAY. It's all I have the thoughts and need to suicide. Yeah I know. I'm a Mom and I CANT be anything else or I'm just being selfish. How could I think of me and not my child. I know I know I know. Well dont know why it's working out this way but it is. And you dont think that doesnt add to the guilt and hurt I'm carrying. A fucking shitty selfish Mom on top of everything else wrong and evil I do. ERRR even typing this is pushing me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  17. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Oh Carla...I'm sorry you feel so sad....
    do you think that you could give it a try having your little one back home and see how you feel about it before you hurt yourself?...it may not be as bad as you are fearing....
    sounds like you really don't want to die...
    can you get onto the powers that be (CFS) and demand the help that you need..
    take that anger you are going to hurt yourself with and channel it onto the place it should be?
    I'm just grasping at straws here cos I want things to get better for you...
    stay safe...(((HUGS)))
     
  18. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I cant do this im ttrying so hard to push the thoughts out the feeling like its what i need to do this second. i need my pills to sleep but if i take them i take them all cuz i dont want to just go to sleep to wake up to all this shit again tomorrow. i cant eevn expl;ain how idont know desperate i feel right now lost confused hurt lonely screwed up sheer fear and panic just every feeling i can have is there raw and wanting to stop!!!!!!!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2010
  19. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i cant sit here anymore im trying so hard but i cant make it stop just wanted to talk to anyone gonna go
     
  20. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I have a feeling you have probably gone, but I am around now, for an hour or so if you do want to talk.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.