So Tired Already

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nyarlathotep1991, Jul 11, 2011.

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  1. Nyarlathotep1991

    Nyarlathotep1991 New Member

    Hello, I am a new member. I don't even know why I am here to be honest, maybe I want help I do not know, maybe I just want to vent.

    I am 19 years old and in my 3rd year of college. I am a really nice guy and quite religious, and almost never ask for anything. I don't mean to sound self-righteous or anything but I'm just constantly told that I am way too nice. I do everything I can for my family, friends, and girlfriend. I almost never ask for anything and if I do its usually something I shouldn't need to ask for. I spend so much money and time and energy on everyone its ridiculous! I am unreasonably understanding at times letting people be an asshole to me all they want and I simply just shrug and say oh its not their fault, they are either bipolar, or having a bad day, or on their period, or something. Everyone always has an excuse and I am always understanding. I am just so tired of never being able to be mad at someone because there is always some reason they are upset and its never their fault and I cant ever get mad because I have it so easy apparently. People constantly use and abuse my kindness, and just get whatever they can out of me.

    Since I was a small child I've had extreme anxiety issues. Even if I don't have anything to worry about my mind will FIND something to worry about. I don't take a lot to be happy, I never ask for anything! My dreams are very simple, marry my girlfriend, have a few close friends, a house, and a few kids. I am a very old fashioned and humble guy. This has been my dream since I was a tiny kid. I always believed that a really good marriage should not prevent you from enjoying life, not the kind of life I want anyways, I've never smoked anything in my life, and I have never drank alcohol either and I never want to.

    So weary though, I feel like I am a hundred years old. I am so overworked and tired. Tired of so many things. Tired of being used by everyone and appreciated by no one. I do so many unreasonable things for everyone, and yet the ONE time I need something from them, and its just someone to be there for me I can't even rely on them. Be a man though everyone says you know? A real man handles his own shit and isn't whiny and needy and no one ever knows about his problems because he has them taken care of all by himself. Well you know what?I am tired of always doing this..I want someone to just pat me on the back and say hey I notice everything you do for me and I appreciate you. I am so tired of everyone always talking behind my back and treating me like shit after I do so much for them. You'd think after everything I did for them they would JUMP at the ONE opportunity where I need them for once..but nope..

    So tired of worrying about everything. I can't enjoy anything cause I am always worried about losing it. For example the closer I get to my girlfriend the more I worry about losing her. I don't let her see how worried I really am though. Even if we do get married one day like I hope, whats to say we will stay married, what if she gets bored or one of the other million things that can happen? See? I worry that I will never be happy and I will always have anxiety over something. I don't really want to live if I am always going to be having anxiety and NEVER have any inner peace. I do not want to live if I am unappreciated and used either, there have been 7 suicides in my hometown this year alone and you would think people would have learned their lesson to be a better friend.....or girlfriend..but no....not at all. I've gotten so used to being used that I've kind of developed several odd masochistic tendencies and habits.

    If I do end up killing myself it will be the first and last thing I ever did for myself and no one else. No more worrying ever again about losing no one or nothing. No more worrying about letting anyone down. No more worrying about if everyone is ok, something I NEVER minded doing in the past but am tired of not having the same thing done in return. No more school and work to worry about. No more nothing, just an eternal sleep that no one can bother me or hurt me or yell at me or tease me or any of the other fucked up things people have done to me over the years! I know if I read this if I get better I'll be so annoyed with myself because I hate self pity... I am just so tired of it all, I've come to loathe my heart beat, Jesus Christ that's such an emo thing to say but it's so true.. Just...self awareness is general..just tired of it all...I yearn for the day I'll never have to worry again and maybe suicide is the only way to make that happen... If you really have read this all I appreciate it immensely, because it was a lot to read. I appreciate it even more if you respond with some helpful advice or anything. Really sad that I have to vent to a bunch of strangers on the internet instead of my family, friends, or girlfriend who I do so much for...
     
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome 'nyar'
    I hope you stay and get to know us here because we too are a family at SF

    I can understand your struggle with your feelings of being used because i have had that same problem myself all my life.
    it's not a good feeling
    I'm working with a therapist on setting boundaries with friends and family and learning to be more assertive and also learning that saying "no' is ok
    and it's ok to ask for help and I'm glad you're reaching out here

    have you talked to your doctor about your anxiety and SI?

    I hope you stick around and take care *hug*
     
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