I’m useless and wrong…all wrong… After all who am I to urge (argue with) somebody to get a hearing aid…that person says that they have enough health problems with out adding one more. And if I would just speak up more clearly and or not turn my back, then they could hear me. But I’m getting so tired of having to say things over and over and over again. Or having to yell at them because they won’t wait until I come to the bottom of the stairs. After all I’m 22 years younger then this person and so I must be fit and hale so I should be able to jump up and get to the steps in 5 seconds flat right? Who am I that should yell my answers to this person when I get so tired of answering over and over? And then to call me a “Little Brat” on top of it. So I must be that. Who am I that should not jump and run when this person snaps at me? Who am I that should protest over packing my books away? Books that I read almost every year if not 2 to 5 times a year. Books are my television and I love the feel and the smell of them. Don’t get me wrong I do watch some TV but it’s mostly back ground noise when I’m lonely. My books though some of them are on the floor so they should be in a box where I can’t see them and can’t get to them easily right? Don’t bother getting another bookcase it would just be “clutter” after all. Who am I to be so tired, no not tired exhausted, I’m 22 years younger and don’t have asthma, arthritis and a bad back. Who am I to be critical over anybody as I’m young enough and dang lazy to boot? Who am I to be hurt and angry? Who am I to be in pain and down and so so tired I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up? What right do I have to be this way? I’ll tell you what I do know…I’m 51 years old, depressed (which I have been all my life), have mild asthma when I’m upset, aching hands and writs from nerve damage and carpel tunnel, I’m over weight from the depression and over eating from it. I have seasonal allergies that give me sinus headaches. I have “Phantom” pain in my chest and breasts, achy bones in my hands that I’m afraid is the start of arthritis, Type 2 diabetes and high cholesterol. I also have explosive diarrhea from the Metforman I take for the diabetes and this has given me a hemorrhoid (but the doctor doesn’t believe me since you have to be straining to get one after all so how can I have one, hum?). I’ve had a damaged knee and elbow in the past 2 years from incidents…and I feel that I’m falling apart. I wish I could go to work but I’m afraid I would go postal on co-workers and employers and I’ve been put on disability which I think the person I live with does not agree with. I’ve been forced to get my drivers license again (I gave it up because I didn’t feel safe to drive) so I can drive the car and truck and take care of things around the home. I avoid it as much as I can. Things I have to do around here are easy for somebody that isn’t so exhausted. For me they take days or weeks to do. Thinking itself takes me time….and sometimes I feel as if I have a hole in my brain that I have to think around. I’m tired of getting sniped at and tired of having to answer questions over and over and over again. I’ve been eating lots of chocolate this weekend and pasta and bread. Is it possible to be passively suicidal? To just do what you do and not give a shit if it kills you? I’ve never understood what people want out of life and how to play this “game” called life. It puzzles me in the worst way. I say the wrong things all the time. ALL THE TIME. And don’t understand what I’ve said that is wrong. I seem to approach things from a different angle then the rest of people and nobody sees where I’m coming from so thus I must be wrong right? Why can’t I just go to bed and not wake up? I’m hoping those pains in my chest are heart trouble….then maybe I will. Oh the person I live with is my Mother…..I love my mother but right now I don’t like her very much. I would never call her a brat or a bitch I have too much respect for her to do that right to her face. But sometimes I think it, I can’t help but think it. And sometimes I do blame her for my depression. She smoked when she was pregnant with me and my brother I think it changed our chemistry enough that we both ended up with depression. When I was in 6th grade there was an incident and the school called in a mental health councilor for me and my Mother was so upset and mad she told them no. So any help I would have gotten back then didn’t happen. Shortly after was the 1st time I tried to commit suicide, there wasn’t enough in the bottle to kill me and nobody knew until I was 36 or 38 when I told a therapist. She called it a suicidal gesture…..But it didn’t feel like a gesture to me. I was serious…I wanted it to work. The same with my 2nd attempt, but I would just have to try to say goodbye to people and they called the cops. I was thinking about it again a few years later and went in the hospital to feel safe and to get stable. And a male nurse told me “IF you really wanted to commit suicide nobody could stop you”. WHY the hell was I there then. I wanted help and that was so not helpful. I no longer feel safe asking to be put in a hospital so I’ve been toughing out my bad bad times and trying to find reasons to go on. I’m not finding many reason right now. I’m trying to hang on until my next doc appt. …. I don’t want to talk to a new therapist either…..they haven’t helped not at all. How can you get help to be normal when you have never been that way? I just want to get my thoughts out on electronic paper and maybe find out if there is anybody else out there that is anything like me at all? I miss my brother and my father who both passed away a few years ago and both of them 3 years apart. All I seem to have is my Mum right now and the dog and cat. I’m so dang tired why couldn't I have changed places with my brother when he got so sick. He deserves to be here...I don't.