so tired and so close to giving up

[auburnfrog]

I’m so tired. I think I’ve reached a point in my suffering where sharing my issues and venting feels more exhausting than the problems themselves.

I’ve tried to be vulnerable and emotional to people who claim to ‘care’ before and I’ve never once gotten sincere, helpful and long-lasting support. Let alone help.

There is no one I trust enough talk to and there is no one who is willing to listen. Even if there is, it’s very hard for me to navigate my feelings and opening up in general has become exceedingly difficult and just exhausting.

Ever since I had the plethora of mental illnesses I have now I’ve been mostly alone. I think to be told “it will all be over” or “someday you’ll be happy” is just straight-up being white-lied to because I’ve been waiting for almost a decade now, and I have not experienced any change.

I want to die, but I know the situation is not appropriate to die right now. Trust me when I say I’ve tried every single thing to get help and support and yet always dismissed and disappointed every time.

 

[iwihbn]

I think people don't really understand that mental health problems often never really go away, but that you have to force yourself to find little distractions to ensure you feel productive.
I've been through the exact same thing, and honestly, I told my friends after NHS did shite all. They took it seriously, offered their ears to talk and their help to make sure I could get out of my negative headspace. I'd say do the same, tbh, especially if you are young. Most teens and 20's I've met are extraordinarily sympathetic.

 

[Kiwi2016]

@auburnfrog I am so sorry that you are struggling so much right now. And I can fully understand how you feel about sharing your issues/feelings can be exhausting as I often feel the same. One thing that I have found that helps a bit is to journal/diary my thoughts as that gives a voice to them without having to explain them if that makes any sense.

As someone who has battled depression/anxiety for as long as I can remember I can also relate to the elusive "someday you'll be happy". Over time I am realizing that happiness is all relative and that I need to readjust my perspective that happiness can happen in the small moments of joy that occur oftentimes randomly and fleetingly rather than being a permanent state of being as life with all its ups and downs continues. So I continue to try to appreciate those moments rather than focusing on the expectation of ultimate continual happiness

I am so sorry that you have been disappointed and feel dismissed when you do reach out for help and support....please take to heart that you do matter and that you aren't alone as we are all here to listen. So I encourage you to keep posting,

Sending you hugs.

 

[Kafka]

I can relate to that. I think deep down all humans are alone. To somehow accept this is to accept our mortality. We live for a while, and then we're gone forever, what was the point? There was no point, not really. A lot of people are able to distract themselves till the very end, or till old age. You are not so lucky it sounds like.

Life is hard, for some more than others. We can only try our best, that's all we can do. People who have not experienced mental illness will not be able to understand and may say or do hurtful things as a consequence; some of it is their inability to handle their own pain, some of it is just not knowing what it's like. We have to try to forgive them for that I guess, because otherwise life becomes not just lonely but unbearably so.

 

[auburnfrog]

I think people don't really understand that mental health problems often never really go away, but that you have to force yourself to find little distractions to ensure you feel productive.
I've been through the exact same thing, and honestly, I told my friends after NHS did shite all. They took it seriously, offered their ears to talk and their help to make sure I could get out of my negative headspace. I'd say do the same, tbh, especially if you are young. Most teens and 20's I've met are extraordinarily sympathetic.

Thank you for your input
I’m sad to say that I’ve gone years without a close friend. Or anyone close, if at all. At the moment I’m just surrounded by people I am acquainted with, but they’re not, you know, close enough with me for me to give them my trust in opening up with something as vulnerable and emotional as my mental illnesses and suicidal thoughts. So, at this point my last resort is going anonymous on the Internet and seeking comfort from people on forums like this one, haha.

 

[auburnfrog]

@auburnfrog I am so sorry that you are struggling so much right now. And I can fully understand how you feel about sharing your issues/feelings can be exhausting as I often feel the same. One thing that I have found that helps a bit is to journal/diary my thoughts as that gives a voice to them without having to explain them if that makes any sense.

As someone who has battled depression/anxiety for as long as I can remember I can also relate to the elusive "someday you'll be happy". Over time I am realizing that happiness is all relative and that I need to readjust my perspective that happiness can happen in the small moments of joy that occur oftentimes randomly and fleetingly rather than being a permanent state of being as life with all its ups and downs continues. So I continue to try to appreciate those moments rather than focusing on the expectation of ultimate continual happiness

I am so sorry that you have been disappointed and feel dismissed when you do reach out for help and support....please take to heart that you do matter and that you aren't alone as we are all here to listen. So I encourage you to keep posting,

Sending you hugs.

Thank you for your kindness I’m sorry that you could relate to me, it’s sad that you had to go through something like this too
I’ve been advised about writing journals before but they were never really my thing because I always tend to forget doing them and I’m horrible at writing lol, especially with the fact that I am most of the time unable to name and even describe my feelings. Everything just feels messy. Sometimes I talk to myself and pretending to have a hypothetical audience, but when I’m snapped back to reality, it feels a bit sad to know that I don’t have a *real* listening ear.

I really like your take on tweaking perspective and realizing that happiness are most often fleeting moments. I think it’s lovely. Although sometimes, when I do notice that brief moment of joy, I get irrationally terrified with the hyperawareness that it won’t last longer than I’d like. Realizing that no matter how much that moment is appreciated, there will be sad and lonely moments in the future anyway. I’m sorry for being so negative, I absolutely love your idea and will definitely try to remember it in my life

Thank you <3

 

[auburnfrog]

I can relate to that. I think deep down all humans are alone. To somehow accept this is to accept our mortality. We live for a while, and then we're gone forever, what was the point? There was no point, not really. A lot of people are able to distract themselves till the very end, or till old age. You are not so lucky it sounds like.

Life is hard, for some more than others. We can only try our best, that's all we can do. People who have not experienced mental illness will not be able to understand and may say or do hurtful things as a consequence; some of it is their inability to handle their own pain, some of it is just not knowing what it's like. We have to try to forgive them for that I guess, because otherwise life becomes not just lonely but unbearably so.

Thank you for your response
I’m quite a nihilist, so it wasn’t very difficult for me to accept that all things matter only for a definite time, haha. It’s just a little sad to think about sometimes. Especially if you have no one and nothing to make life “matter”, even if only for the while I live.

Often times I feel that trying my best hurts because the end of whatever it is would be disappointing or at least not up to my standard. So I try to just...I don’t know, live on for the sake of it and for the sake of natural fear of death. I do forgive the people that wronged me; well, most of the time. I know they’re probably just not well-informed and well-aware enough to handle my situation nicely. Still, I wish I could have someone.

 

[Kafka]

TStill, I wish I could have someone.

Me too friend, me too.

 

[Kiwi2016]

Thank you for your kindness I’m sorry that you could relate to me, it’s sad that you had to go through something like this too
I’ve been advised about writing journals before but they were never really my thing because I always tend to forget doing them and I’m horrible at writing lol, especially with the fact that I am most of the time unable to name and even describe my feelings. Everything just feels messy. Sometimes I talk to myself and pretending to have a hypothetical audience, but when I’m snapped back to reality, it feels a bit sad to know that I don’t have a *real* listening ear.

I really like your take on tweaking perspective and realizing that happiness are most often fleeting moments. I think it’s lovely. Although sometimes, when I do notice that brief moment of joy, I get irrationally terrified with the hyperawareness that it won’t last longer than I’d like. Realizing that no matter how much that moment is appreciated, there will be sad and lonely moments in the future anyway. I’m sorry for being so negative, I absolutely love your idea and will definitely try to remember it in my life

Thank you <3

I know what you mean about journaling...maybe you could do an audio journal instead(?). And like you I can relate to thinking that those moments of joy are fleeting and can be so easily sidetracked by the blind curves and downs of life...but despite my inner glass half full thoughts...try to hold on to them as best I can. Sending you hugs.

 

[MisterBGone]

I like the idea 💡 offered by @Kiwi2016 as well, about the audio journaling—I’ve been meaning to try it my self; but have been in some combination there of , o r -in, where I whether it be, I can’t seem to remember (or always seem to forget; because it obviously isn’t important to me...) or I, do to my non tech savvy ways, still have yet to work / figure out the voice memo 📝 recorded thing y on my iPhone device! ...now let me know if you need any of that translate d??!

for what it’s worth, and what I’ve read - even if only right here as an example, of a sample, I’d find & consider you to be a very, very fine writer (so unless you were referring to your skills when writing ✍️ about yourself, only, then I’d have to vehemently-albeit “politely” & “respectfully,” disagree. :^)

I forgot whatelsr I was going to say... :/

but, feel free to pm me or dm me , whatever the kids call it these days - I can’t keep up!
Believe it or not, I can formulate a semi coherent sentence in private, or at least one in which might be deemed barely comprehensible! Doesn’t mean I always do, though—

Or you can always find me in the game room, which, admittedly—is not everybody’s “cup of tea!” (& that mostly being due to me..)

 

[Champagne]

Hi there, I believe you when you say you have tried everything.

However, you still have not had that person in your life that stays and really, truly makes a difference, maybe that would change everything and fit the last piece of the puzzle?

Only recently I have found people in real life that do truly care and are there for me in my worst times and listen to my rants no matter how bad they are,they are there on my best and worst days.

My suggestion to you would be to reach out for community supports available to you locally and get teamed up with a health worker and go forwards from there, its worth a shot.

Good luck, I know its not easy by any means, we want you to be safe.