So tired... going to sleep now...

I don't know what more to say, but I can't hang on any longer. I'm so tired, emotionally. I just want to sleep. I want to let go of everything in this 'life' and move on. I want to sleep... I'm so tired.

I've numbed myself from everything, I have nothing left inside of me. So it's easy for me to let go. I can't explain why, so I won't try too. What's the point? Sorry, I'm not making any sense here... but it doesn't matter. Nothing does... anymore. :sad:

 

Actually, you do make a lot of sense. I feel the same way. I too want to just sleep... Being tired of thinking the same thing, feeling the same way. Sleeping it off is just a temporary fix. But not like we feel any better when we wake up...

 

What's happening Silent that is getting you down so much?

 

I do understand Silent.

I know others may mean well, but it doesn't get easier the next week or month. Not when you have memories that haunt you.

I don't want to hold on anymore. I may not. I also wanted to post and say something, but how do you explain **** inside your soul? I don't want to just ramble....My words don't explain the pain, emptyness and silence.

PM me soon! Before its late. I care about you. :cry:

 

It's hard to explain, but I just feel so drained. And by being tired and wanting to go to sleep... I don't mean by a temporary one. What I mean is to end everything and NOT wake up... eternal sleep. I can't do this anymore. There are many times when I'm driving and I try to find somewhere to crash, or I look at all my meds and wonder how much it would take to let me sleep. And believe me, I have more than enough to do some damage. But for now, I'm back into self-harming... cutting, scratching. It takes some of the pain away, but not for long. And my bulimia is getting worse. I do it at least 3-4 a day. I just want to throw in the towel and call it quits.

All I do now is sit around and cry, look at old photos... I have a good job, I'm a nanny to 2 little girls, but it's hard to do sometimes because I look at them and wonder what my kids are doing at the moment. But that's only part of why I'm feeling the way I do. The other part, I don't know why. I just want out... just want to say good-bye. :sad:

 

Silentcry, I truly understand your feelings. It can be so hard to continue the fight when you are so totally exhausted. The strength seems to be drained from everywhere. But you can hold on and find that strength. It is there somewhere. I cannot say that things will get better. I know they can, but not that they will. Things change. They always change. Sometimes the change is positive, sometimes it is negative. We have to fight through all tht to get to positive. Doesn't quite seem fair. Please don't give up. Don't throw the towel in. Reach out to us, as you have already done. we care about you and what happens to you. Stay safe hun. :hug:

 

I know things change... but knowing when and how sucks. I have nothing left to feel. I quit taking my meds (again), haven't seen my dr. in I don't know how long... nothing really matters to me.

I try to think positive
But negativity stands in the way
I try to keep my head above the water
But I feel myself sinking everyday

With no life preserver
Or a rescue boat
There's not even anyone out there
Who cares enough to throw me a rope

They'd rather see me drown
And watch me die in defeat
Then lend a helping hand
So I can stand on my own two feet

What's the point
Why should I care
Life means nothing
And I don't really want to be here...

- Me :blue:

 

Silentcry,
Hey--not taking your med. Why?? do you want that to let you all unravel? I understand though, as I've missed several doses too. Don't you remember how bad you got last time before the hospital.

Congratulations on having a job. At least you are with others. That is SO wonderful. It shows that you are trying HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :clap:

I love your words in your poem. It could be written by me, but I feel my words are meaningless now. I cry everyday. Something on tv will remind me, trying to pray (or more like begging for an answer/help), photos and other families that I see. I think "that could have been us" Not now!!! I ruined everything. See, I guess we want to die cuz guilt and loss is too too much to bear. If I could see the future OR go back and fix the past, It might help us.

http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=23707- in After effects, My attempt.

OR

http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=23707 in Suicide
Forum, Aftermath part 2.
Only if you can handle it, and can/want to read the above listed threads.

I don't expect others to understand what I am going thru. I just don't want to be thought badly of, "Oh, she died cuz she was unbalanced" fuck you all to hell, you don't see my hurt.

I know it is not the same as talking to a live person. I wish I could be there for you to confide in. If I could I would rock you in a hug while we both felt safe and cried. :arms:
TLA

 

I did read your threads... and thank you.

Yes, I love my job, but it's getting harder to go to work everyday. Partly because I'm watching 2 little girls, and I think about my own kids. About how I used to care for them. It brings back so many memories, that it hurts to think of "what could have been". They aren't here because of me, it's my fault. If only I hadn't left with them, I'd still have my family. If only I weren't the way I am, I'd still have my kids with me. It's MY fault that they are living somewhere else, calling someone else "mommy"... when it should've been ME. It's my fault that my fiancee died... if I hadn't left, he'd probably still be alive today. I blame myself for everything that has happened.

I don't deserve to be alive because I have fucked up so may people's lives. Innocent lives who didn't deserve to be pulled away from the only home they knew, being the reason why someone I loved died. If I could take ALL the meds I have now... no one would have to worry anymore about me. No one would cry over the fact that I was gone. No one would even notice... :blue:

If I could take it all back, I would...

 

I WILL notice if you are gone!!!!!!!!!!!
I have the guilt cloud on me too. Today was the first ever time I could look at the mirror and talk to myself and not be destroyed.

People that cannot have the empathy to see my views are not who I want to be around. I forgive those people. They are too self absorbed to care.

I want to take it back too. I want to turn the calendar back. I want my dad to be alive. I have to go. :cry2:
love ya~~

 

Tomorrow is my daughter's 5th birthday... I won't be there, for the 3rd year in a row :sad: . Not feeling too well today...

I AM...

D eeply
E motionally
P aralized
R ejected
E very
S econd
S adly
E very
D ay

L osing
O n
N ever
E ver
L oving
Y ou

S uicide
O r
S ee
A nother
D ay

 

sweetheart. i am so sorry thast you feel this way.i sent you a pm i would like you to read it.i want you to know that you are not ALONE!..i will always be here for you no matter what. i care about you and i dont want anything bad to happen to you.just stay with me!

 

thank you... but I really don't deserve to be here. I've done enough damage, hurt enough people... no, I can't stay. I have to "leave".

 

Today is my only daughter's 5th birthday... unfortunately I won't be there. :sad:

 

swettie please stay with me.i want you to stick around.if you cant do it for yourself then do it for me.please pm me so we can talk.i dont want you to go.i dont want to lose you.just talk to me.

 

Do I know you? :huh:

I have no reason to be here... at all.

 

Well, I have to be going now... if I don't come back, well, it's been nice.

 

Mary-
YOU TOO DO have reason to be here. The reasons are young, growing and confused inside of where their momma is. They will come to you again. I MUST believe that. YOU can too. They are not dead. They will need you so you must see to be able to care from afar. That is what I do. Right now, that is the only only only thing keeping me going. I want to see my only child again.

Also, you are still grieving. YOU do hurt. That is ok. I do everyday too.
Daily cry for my eyes and heart, soul. :sad: It is not to be strong. I know you want to stop the negative words in your head. YOU did not fuck up everything. only some. it matters a lot to us cuz we are mothers.

I wish I could just hope in the car to come by your place. I want to come over with a blanket and some cokes, chips. I hope to high heavens that you do not do it tonight. Talk to me please. Take one dose to calm yourself maybe. I have no one that is supporting or encourageing me either. But, we can together. SF is a lifeline.

I know we have never met, but we have a connection. Don't let it end. I will be here allnight expecting PM or email. stay safe for you can do it.

 

SilentCry,

I dont know you but I know the pain you are feeling, when you said you wont be there,(maybe one day we can share a conversation over some coffee)...I do hope you are safe....and that you come back to us and let us know how your doing...thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.....-Jodi

 

So close... but so far away...

Nothing like waking up and not knowing what just happened... :sad: