so tired of it all

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by IV2010, Oct 23, 2011.

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  1. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    so not coping..but there's nothing anyone can do
    i don't think anyone can help me anymore..
    the ones I need to help me always reject me..
    too much that can't be fixed..

    last night I almost didn't make it..if it wasn't for something unexpected happening that 'snapped me out of it' I wouldn't be here

    i don't want you to think there is no hope for you because in most cases there is hope..
    get the help you need,, keep fighting those thoughts and keep reaching out to those who care..

    In my case there is no hope ....I lost the last one who truly cared about me several years ago..

    most of my friends here know I lost my son to suicide ...
    I can't even begin to describe how that leaves a parent..what feelings it leaves them with....
    the worst being the guilt and rejection..
    I did everything in my power to 'save' him and i failed
    the grief and pain are more than overwhelming and I hope anyone reading this will think twice before inflicting such damage on any of their loved ones..

    Oh you say..I'm a hypocrite!

    I am alone except for professional help...that's it..

    I have other children who don't include me and don't want me in their lives
    I have been used , abused and rejected one time too many.
    I'm done considering how they might feel if I'm not here anymore..they should've thought about that now while I am here..

    so I give up and what happens ..happens
    I am done considering and respecting feelings of those who treat me like s**t.

    this is not a suicide 'note' for 'setting dates' doesn't work for me..
    I am more the 'spur of the moment' 'crisis in action' type ..

    just kind of letting it out really..

    I find this forum a wonderful place to come ..
    I hope everyone of you finds strength and encouragement from the many caring souls here..
    I have spent several years here and am very grateful for that opportunity to participate..
    many have moved on and made better's always good to see there is hope

    I haven't been on here much lately..
    cant find the words to help others when I can no longer find the strength to help myself..

    :poo: :grouphug: :arms:
  2. ali 56

    ali 56 Well-Known Member

    Hi, yes it is difficult to help others when you are in a bad place yourself, and also being rejected by others especially close people. I am glad something happened and you snapped out of it even if it was something little and that you are still here communicating. I hope something good happens to you today and you keep finding some inner strength to keep fighting the battle.
    Please take care - Ali
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    IV2010.. sorry things so down for you now.. a hand held out in your direction and wish i could give you a real warm, firm hug atm..

    the pain of losing a child is absolutely terrible.. please if things get too bad to take anymore call your professional psych team and get some help.. Jim
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    IV -

    I, too, am sorry things are so rough for you currently. I wish I could bring back your son, help your pain dissipate a little bit. Of course, I can't.

    But I can be here for you. I don't think you are a hypocrite, I think you are hurting so, so much. :console:

    I do think there is hope for us all, though. And today I can say that as the last couple of days have been okay for me. Before that, I probably would have agreed with you and said there was little hope.

    I suppose my point is that we know we are depressed, we hurt so much that every day can be a struggle. But we all go through darker times and then less-dark times. I'm asking for you to hang in there with us, please.

    I am sure your son is with you every day, this is something I firmly believe about people who have left us. My best friend left the same way as your son, and I still have a lot of difficulty with it. But I know and can feel sometimes that she is around me. Of course, it is such a deeper feeling for you, because he is your child.

    I know you feel alone, as I have. But we have here, we have each other here too. Sometimes it doesnt' feel like enough, because we ache for that human touch and in person interaction, so I understand. But, for me, its better than nothing and in some wierd way its comforting to know sf is here even if I'm not online or similar.

    am always here if you'd like to talk or vent or scream or cry or whatever you wish. Please do not give up.

    sending a boatload of hugs to you, many positive thoughts.

  5. Rachel2000

    Rachel2000 Member

    I left an abusive marriage and my boys don't want to know me either. I know the pain you are going through. Hang on in there x
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

  7. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni


    I cant imagine what it is to lose a child, so I wont even try to find words than could make a dent in your pain. What I want to tell you is that since I have been member, I saw you posts after posts comforting others. You are needed here and in this world. We never really know the full extent of our actions here, but you have to believe that each time you extended your kindness in spite of your own grief, you tipped the odds in favor of other persons not experiencing the loss of a love one to suicide. Nobody can ever promise that life will get better for you, only that by going on one more day, it might very well be. What you did not loose is your capacity to love, and that is the soil in which old relationships can be mended or where new relationships can flourish in time. Until this happens, you have to take care of yourself when there is nobody real life to do so. For some winter last longer than other, but Spring always come. So stay with us until then. I wish you well.
  8. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    IV - I'm sorry that things are not good for you now. You may be able to receive emotional support at AlAnon, they work with friends and family of alcoholics. Would you qualify for a women's shelter?.

    I've needed every bit of wisdom you shared with me, and it looks like I'll be needing much more

  9. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    (((gentle hugs))) for you

    holding you close to my heart
    hoping you find strength
  10. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    I could relate to so much of what you said, even though we have different life circumstances. But, my family doesn't talk to me, either. The only person who still speaks to me is the man who has hurt me most in my life (my father), and sometimes I don't know if I should give a sh*t whether it hurts him or not. He's already hurt me enough; I might just be evil enough for 'revenge' in his case.

    Anyway, I hope this place can still help you find some hope and reason to keep going, and I'm at least in a similar place to you and would understand.
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi IV please know hun you are so special here hun. You have helps so many that are suffering. NOw is the time to help YOU hun okay You cannot be strong for all of them hun only for you now okay. You get ahold of that professional team and you get some rest okay even if you have to sign yourself in for a few days.
    IV please know how much you mean to me okay and to others You deserve healing hun please take time to help yourself now hugs I do know how hard that is IV but i cannot afford to lose you hun You are a special friend so please take care hugs.
  12. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    IV, I wanted especially to check on your cheer (hell, it all sounds trite) but still with sincere intentions, I wish all the best for you.

    I'll share this fantasy here first, then in one of my own threads - Alesia and I tossing a football around an autumn yard full of leaves - but I have no age attached- preschoolers, gradeschoolers, high school, college? "How far do I go ?" I ask her, "All the way, I'll get it there"

    I have no idea if there's any meaning there, I hope your world turns gentler.

  13. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    No, Please don't go :cry2:
    I'm truly sorry that you are going through a hard time. :(
    But I hope you can somehow hold on.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. Big Hugs :hugtackles: Autumn
  14. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    IV, here's a note to let you know you're not alone, I hope you're communicating with someone, and taking care of yourself
  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I hear all your heartfelt words of encouragement..thank you *hugs*
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Plenty of supportive hugs back to you and much more besides. Good to hear from you, please keep hanging in there with us.
  17. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I hope you are feeling a little better today. :hug:. It can be hard to find words of encouragement. So don't feel too bad.
  18. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Hoping for a good day for you, IV
  19. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I am re-reading all of your encouraging posts daily..they help
    after 5 botched attempts by the cemetery since October the 'memorial stone' for my son has finally been placed properly only because of my 'case worker' stepping in and telling them off.
    she also managed to get the property managers of my flat to get the possum out of my walls...It's been there 3 months day and night....the size of a small dog! tap.tap.tapping and running around like an elephant day and night.
    sleep deprivation does send you insane! I know!

    thank you all so much for your support :sf:
    Perhaps I will get my strength back...perhaps not!
  20. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think now hun you can sleep you will get some energy back and thank god for your worker stepping in to get your sons memorial stone fixed hugs to you
    Hope possum is put far away from your place now darn critter take care IV okay you rest up now h ugs
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