I think I just need to type some stuff out here, sorry if it doesn't make sense. I'm feeling so exhaugsted, even though I do nothing (pretty much literally). I'm 'getting help' and trying to follow the rules, and everything. I don't want to sound like some person who is desperate to be 'controversial' and different... but I do feel like I've been backed into a corner, and had my true voice taken away. I have the things I feel/know to be true and REAL, and then there is what the world generally presents as real/true... and it is incompatible with my personal ideas. But I've decided to accept this, and just conform... because by doing so I will feel hurt and crappy but overall LESS people will be hurt. It will just be me hurting, instead of all my friends and family. I will do the regular stuff, graduate and get a job, be 'normal'. Even though none of it means anything to me, and its all an illusion. I won't cut myself because I need to look presentable even though I'm dying to tear myself apart. I'm trying to give myself things to look forward to that I can also talk about as aspirations (planning a skydive course in April, surfing in summer, etc) and I'm trying to regulate my food and body so that I feel minimum guilt about owning it. So exercise is going to be important. Really what I want to do is remove myself from the material world. I want to be pure and/or dead. But I can't kill myself. It isn't fair on anyone else for me to do that. I feel like I should have killed myself a long time ago. I accept that I will most likely feel depressed for my whole life. Not that I will let myself fall into the trap of expecting it to be there and therefore perpetuating it needlessly. But I do think it is just a fact I need to face, without resorting to suicide over it. Do I need to continue counselling? I've accepted it now. I've accepted the depression, I'm going to try not to do anything to make it worse or wallow in it, and I'm hoping not to kill myself over it. I've done 20 years so I'm about a quarter through already. I'm also not going to indulge myself in my own idea of reality (which is probably classed as 'delusional' or something by most people). So... is that it? Do I stop going to see my therapist now? Or do should I be hoping for more than just acceptance and submission?