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So tired.... submissive

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Chickpea, Dec 9, 2007.

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  1. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member

    I think I just need to type some stuff out here, sorry if it doesn't make sense.

    I'm feeling so exhaugsted, even though I do nothing (pretty much literally). I'm 'getting help' and trying to follow the rules, and everything. I don't want to sound like some person who is desperate to be 'controversial' and different... but I do feel like I've been backed into a corner, and had my true voice taken away. I have the things I feel/know to be true and REAL, and then there is what the world generally presents as real/true... and it is incompatible with my personal ideas. But I've decided to accept this, and just conform... because by doing so I will feel hurt and crappy but overall LESS people will be hurt. It will just be me hurting, instead of all my friends and family. I will do the regular stuff, graduate and get a job, be 'normal'. Even though none of it means anything to me, and its all an illusion. I won't cut myself because I need to look presentable even though I'm dying to tear myself apart. I'm trying to give myself things to look forward to that I can also talk about as aspirations (planning a skydive course in April, surfing in summer, etc) and I'm trying to regulate my food and body so that I feel minimum guilt about owning it. So exercise is going to be important.

    Really what I want to do is remove myself from the material world. I want to be pure and/or dead. But I can't kill myself. It isn't fair on anyone else for me to do that. I feel like I should have killed myself a long time ago. I accept that I will most likely feel depressed for my whole life. Not that I will let myself fall into the trap of expecting it to be there and therefore perpetuating it needlessly. But I do think it is just a fact I need to face, without resorting to suicide over it.

    Do I need to continue counselling? I've accepted it now. I've accepted the depression, I'm going to try not to do anything to make it worse or wallow in it, and I'm hoping not to kill myself over it. I've done 20 years so I'm about a quarter through already. I'm also not going to indulge myself in my own idea of reality (which is probably classed as 'delusional' or something by most people). So... is that it? Do I stop going to see my therapist now? Or do should I be hoping for more than just acceptance and submission?
  2. booeyburgers

    booeyburgers Active Member

    never "be normal"!!!!! you have to do stuff that is unique to you, i.e. skydiving.

    I would continue to seek counselling as long as you can afford it and you feel it is making some sort of improvement. having the medium to vent your feelings is really important and that hand to caress you.

    i hope i made some sense
  3. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your reply. I can afford to because it is a free service (until they want me to stop going I guess). I feel like I could probably function like 'regular' person now. But I don't think I am better as such. I'm not going to kill myself... but I'm really now just waiting to die. I don't know if I should expect to get to any level higher than that, or just accept this as who/what I am.

    I guess I'll talk to her about it when I see her on Wednesday. If there is no way 'up' from here then I suppose the best thing to do is stop going, and let someone else have a go. I don't want to take up the time of a free service if I'm not going to be getting any use from it, whilst someone else could be.
  4. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    Don't stop seeing the therapist, however...

    Same here. The world is quite twisted in what it views as right and wrong. In some cases they are even total opposites.

    Don't do that. They have no right to be hurt by the fact that you want to live YOUR life the way you want to. They have no right.

    You can do the regular stuff if you want, but don't take it too seriously. It's just one of those things that everyone thinks is important, even though it isn't really. Sure, sure, everyone needs to eat, but people are so scared of everything. It's really not that hard to stay alive... unless you live in a 3rd world country with no food. But I'm guessing that isn't the case.

    "People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal." - Bangstrom
  5. incombustible2000

    incombustible2000 Well-Known Member

    i have relized i have to live with it also, its very hard, but just go on ... little by little
  6. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member

    I wish I could just do what I want to do, but it has the potential to hurt a lot of people. I feel like, if only I was intelligent enough to explain it to them then it would be ok and I could just go and be what I want to be and live in accordance with my own values etc. but I don't think this will ever be possible. In fact they would probably think I was delusional.

    I suppose my 'ideal' lifestyle would be pretty ascetic, like a monk or something! And, yes, I could join some kind of convent in theory but I am an atheist. I want to remove myself from the material world. I want to stop eating, and stop drinking, and not be involved in any worldly affairs. In my opinion the definition betwee different objects is an illusion. There is no 'me' and no 'you'. "I" am not sitting on 'a bed'. Argh if only I could explain it. Basically.... nothing is real. It is one big 'whole' and drawing a distinction between the parts of this is just a mistake and self-consciouness is crazy. Every time I come closer to embracing this idea I appear increasingly 'crazy' to everyone else, but in fact I don't even believe in those people as dinstinct objective realities. So by living for them, I'm drawing myself into the delusion that I am trying to escape! I think it is a kind of mental boundary that I need to break and when that happens I'll just sort of fizzle away and cease to exist. Thing is I don't seem to be able to do this, even when I resign myself to trying. Can't quite break that mental barrier - it is a very scary process! So the quick way out is obviously suicide.

    I thought I was resolved to keep on 'living' and just waiting to die naturally but it seems crazy, and depressing, and my resolve is weakening. The thing keeping me here (i.e. respect for other peoples feelings) is, in itself, a fallacy. So what the hell am I doing here? :rolleyes:

    I'm so confused. :huh: :sad:
  7. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    Chickpea its funny reading through your posts (im not a stalker lol) we seem similar in a lot of ways its quite freaky :blink:

    I've never thought about suicide though and you shouldnt either. Its damaging to think about it.. this is serious stuff. You're only what 19 or 20.. lets put this in perspective you've got your whole life ahead of you to make of it what you want.. you dont have to be down all the time, you just need to meet good people who understand you or help you disconnect a little. Find your own little niche. The same applies for me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2007
  8. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member

    Hi darkrider, I'm glad you're not considering suicide. I've tried to rule it out too. I really don't know what to do. I would never kill myself unless I was 100% sure... and I'm not that sure right now so it won't happen any time very soon. Something has confused me though... A few months back I tried to obtain drugs that would 'do the job'. I paid for them and I got some of what I ordered, but the important ones never arrived so I just assumed I'd been conned or that they had been confiscated at customs. But then a couple of days ago.... there they were on the doormat. A parcel from South Africa and I opened it... and now I have them. It feels a bit strange. :unsure:
  9. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    i understand totally chickpea, i too have accepted my depression is part of me and i will have to live with it.
    as you say suicide isn't the answer no matter how much you want it, i've been there and too many ppl will get hurt so everyday now is just about conforming to what others consider normal.
    work, eating,sleeping etc etc

    but i am not normal and i will hide myself away and put my mask on till that is normal.

    one day at a time
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