So tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ereeka69, Feb 12, 2013.

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  1. Ereeka69

    Ereeka69 Member

    I recently admitted myself into a hospital this past summer, I broke up with my boyfriend of 13 years and was extremely depressed. I felt like there was no reason to go on living. After a 30 day stay I found myself home and lost, as if I didn't know how to acclimate myself back I to society. So my therapist called 911 and sent me to the ER. I was released the same night and after a few weeks entered an intensive DBT Program. I have been in this program for the past three months and for the first time I really like my therapist, but I am not comfortable being in group therapy. I have trouble talking about my issues and when I do speak in group it is usually to argue or fight with someone. Most times I am asked to leave the group. I attend therapy five days a week in an outpatient program and meet with my individual therapist in the program twice a week. I thought that I was making a little bit of progress, but in the last few weeks I feel that is not the case.
    However, the past few weeks I have been struggling with the thoughts of ending my life. I feel like I am terminally depressed and will never snap out of it. I find that most of the day I am thinking about ways of killing myself and I also find myself researching it in my spare time. I was always scared to go through with it but in the last few days I feel ready.
    Part of me wants to die and then there is a small part that is scared and hopeful that maybe just maybe there is some other alternative. I feel like my therapist is giving up on me, I understand that these are my own thoughts and not reality because there is no logical evidence that she is. I know that she cares about me and is committed to helping me get better anyway that she can. So if I know these things then why am I continuously thinking of successful ways to end my life. I would really like any advice I am scared and feel completely alone.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Depression hun does not need a reason sometimes it is just an imbalance in the chemicals in the brain. Are you on medication hun for depression if not perhaps that could help They say when used together meds and therapy there is a better outcome. There is also ECT hun and newer medication out there now for depression less side effects Your Therapist does care hun and she is not giving up on you so you don't give up ok Keep your mind busy by volunteering or by taking a class you always wanted to take hun something fun ok
    I find if my mind is kept busy it does not have time to ruminate abt leaving hugs
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I think there should be a new diagnostic category, self-sabotage. I have done it often, mostly because I am afraid of success. I know failure very well and have a lot of defenses to deal with it, but not until recently, have I been able to deal with my allergy to success...sometimes, it is so difficult to see what is going therapists appeared to give up on me many times, and those perceptions were mostly what I brought to the relationship...please continue to post and let us know how you are doing and welcome again
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