So Tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BelleLorrae, Mar 13, 2013.

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  1. BelleLorrae

    BelleLorrae New Member

    I've always been a very logical person, and I have to say considering it all suicide seems pretty logical right now.

    I was trained my entire life by everyone to believe that I was worthless and would never do anything right. At fourteen I was diagnosed with depression and general anxiety disorder. No one cared unless it benefited them. I was abused physically and emotionally with my only solace being a few hours I would get on the weekends with my dad and the time I spent talking to my long distance boyfriend of four years. I took my last blow when almost simultaneously my dad got remarried and I found out that for the last year of my relationship my boyfriend had been cheating on me. My dad all but forgot I existed and I had no where to go because I dropped out of college to help my boyfriend with his dreams. I had never felt so alone having no one in the world to talk to.

    Then two and a half years ago I met my current boyfriend. Despite all my insecurities he has managed to not let me scare him away. He has told me everyday that he loves me and that he thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am. He accepted and fully supports me wanting to be a homemaker and mother. We have been through so much already that it seems like the bond we had to form to survive it is unbreakable. From me being diagnosed with diabetes, finding out because I have a corresponding disorder I may not be able to conceive, and spending a little over a year being homeless. However, my depression keeps getting worse. It's not that I'm trying to escape any problems. I don't deserve him... He's so good to me and I feel like I give nothing in return. I've always contemplated the what ifs of not existing, but I had never truly taken it seriously. Even now I shake at the thought, but it also feels almost comforting.

    My father is happy with his wife. My favorite grandmother has been reunited with her sister. My mother is about to be a grandmother due to my brother. My boyfriend's family is pretty much almost settled. The only ones that aren't are us. His mother whom I had thought always liked me is upset that I'm not getting a job, along with the rest of his friends and family. My family as previously said has always thought I was useless. He tells me he's happy that I'm home, since the last job I worked stressed us both out and made us miserable trying to find a way to be together. Lately though I just haven't done anything. I'm always depressed but it has been so much worse over the last three months and is continuing to get worse. There have been days where I haven't even gotten out of bed, I've just wasted the entire day staring at the ceiling. Then I can't help but lay in bed and cry as he comes home from working all day and then does the dishes and cleans up. He says he doesn't mind because he wants to help me anyway he can, and he'll do anything to help make it better. Which only makes me cry worse because it reminds me of exactly how useless I am. Even tonight, he will barely get any sleep because I was have a slight breakdown and he wanted to be there to comfort me. Now he will have to go to work on barely any sleep and I just feel worse because of it.

    I think my biggest fear really has been my fear of hurting him. I don't want him to cry. At the same time though I feel like it would be worth the momentary hurt to him. He's only human, and there fore would move on eventually. Everyone else would have an easier time moving on, but he would still get over it given enough time. Short term pain has to be better than the lifetime of burden keeping me around would be. He's in denial about me being bad for him, but I know he gets frustrated sometimes with my drama and fears. I know he is tired of it because I am. I'm so tired of crying. Somehow feeling no emotion is almost exhausting. Suffocating. I want to be happy, I just can't be. So it seems like I only have one option to help him more than anything. For his own good. It's not like I'm worth anything to society anyways. I contribute nothing to anyone.

    I'm so sorry about how long this is, I'm just emotional right now.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun he will not move on i don't know why people think that we move on we don't hun Let him make his own choices hun he choses to love you and accept you for YOU hun
    YOu call your doctor hun and you get in and get your medication adjusted ok try something new hun so y ou can get out of that dark space you are in. Get some therapy for you that way you can get out and not isolate so much you keep fighting for YOU ok Your bf will not move on hun he won't
     
  3. Awe I am so sorry your feeling this way. For starters did you know that PCOS or other metabolic disorders can disturb your thyroid and cause big time depression? Maybe the hormones are part of this just a thought. I get your feelings as I have been a stay at home mother all my life and that useless feeling of not contributing is something I used to feel however I know I have worth and regardless of what anyone else thinks they do not understand. Lose the guilt of not working right now and take care of yourself. I honestly wonder if you got your hormones in check if things would look up for you? Diabetes/pcos really is common to cause great depression in many... google it.
     
  4. lilmomma

    lilmomma Member

    I understand how it feels to have no one. My husband is abusive and into drugs. My parents are very abusive. I was in foster care. I have no way to see a pyschiatrist and am very lost. I am a stay at home mom cause he lost a good job and then wouldn't even feed or take care of our children while I worked. He just wanted to stay high. I had to quit my job. He got a job for minimum wage and tells me how useless I am. Still does drugs, and doesn't help with the children or home. Just wants his friends. About to lose my home and my children and I will be homeless cause we cannot find help. If you have a loving man, let him be there for you. It really hurts to have been put through so much and have no one. No family, no friends, no one. If you must, try working from home if broadband is available in your area. Its not here. Let him love you and feel good knowing that and that you can love him back.
     
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