I seem to do ok for awhile, believing things have changed or that they're different....and in some ways I suppose they really are for a time. I don't know why I can't just keep believing, even if I know it's all falling apart.. I've never understood why I feel the things I do, and after awhile it just becomes too much to bear and I feel myself being crushed and dragged down towards the darkness I'd just so recently stumbled my way out of. Why is it always a cycle, and why can't I seem to just live the way everyone else around me can? I've been fixated on my own mortality for the better part of a year now, waking up in the middle of the night in a near panic as I realize how fragile it all is, and how I could just cease to exist at any moment. It's making me shut down and not feel again, and I know where that leads me. I don't want to go there again, or anywhere near there again. Some moments I want to scream at the world, fight my way through the darkness and live, others I want it all to just be over with already. I'm so tired, tired and on my way to being alone which is the end I've always feared the most. I don't even know why I write any of this down other than to get the words out of my head so I can think for a moment. I doubt any of it makes sense, but it's the best I can do now, and the only thing I can do it seems.