So Tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fsphoenix, Dec 12, 2013.

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  1. fsphoenix

    fsphoenix Active Member

    I seem to do ok for awhile, believing things have changed or that they're different....and in some ways I suppose they really are for a time. I don't know why I can't just keep believing, even if I know it's all falling apart.. I've never understood why I feel the things I do, and after awhile it just becomes too much to bear and I feel myself being crushed and dragged down towards the darkness I'd just so recently stumbled my way out of. Why is it always a cycle, and why can't I seem to just live the way everyone else around me can?

    I've been fixated on my own mortality for the better part of a year now, waking up in the middle of the night in a near panic as I realize how fragile it all is, and how I could just cease to exist at any moment. It's making me shut down and not feel again, and I know where that leads me. I don't want to go there again, or anywhere near there again. Some moments I want to scream at the world, fight my way through the darkness and live, others I want it all to just be over with already. I'm so tired, tired and on my way to being alone which is the end I've always feared the most.

    I don't even know why I write any of this down other than to get the words out of my head so I can think for a moment. I doubt any of it makes sense, but it's the best I can do now, and the only thing I can do it seems.
  2. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    You might be suffering from dissociative disorder. That's when you shut down because you feel so bad that you just isolate from everyone. You feel all alone and you numb yourself from feelings to protect you from getting more hurt. Therapy may help if you can. I commend you to keep trying to live despite how you feel. Please keep trying and don't give up. There are better days than others. That's normal so hang in there, ok?
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