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So tired...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BriGuy, Jul 30, 2014.

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  1. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    Beyond stressed... scared... hurting... not sure whether to trust the most important person in my life or not... not sure if I care if I live or not. One day I want to live, the next 3-5 days I don't want to live, then I think I want to for a day... then I don't want to again for a few days or more. The 'don't' days are getting more often. Today is a day I don't want to. :(
    So tired of crying :Cry: all the time when I'm supposed to be happier than ever now... idk what happened, idk why everything got so fucked up. :Cry: :sosad: idk why my family has turned on me, or why my fiance keeps lying about little shit... makes me fearful if there are any big lies that I need to worry about.
    I wish I had someone to talk to... really talk to... but I don't. I don't mean on here, or chat, or some call center stranger... that's not the same. I need someone in person, someone I can look in their eyes while we talk, hold their hand, get a hug when I need one, to feel connected to the person I'm pouring my soul out to, and really explain how I feel... but the people in my life couldn't handle this, none of them can. So I have to keep it all buried inside, building & building until I either deal with it, or don't. But at this point, I'm really not sure if I'll truly even be missed, not even by the man who supposedly loves me with all his heart, who says he wants to marry me. Only my dog for sure will miss me, because she won't understand... but even with her, I don't have the bond I wish I did, the bond I had with my last service dog... I wish I could marry him, and everything get better... but family issues, trust issues... makes me worry it will never happen... the wedding, the happily ever after... maybe it's all a lie, a delusion... idk anymore. I want to believe it's real, that I will start trusting again, that family will come around... but will they? Will I start trusting again? Will the lies stop? Are there worse lies?
    Plus new medical issues, as well as a new fight to keep my disability, can barely afford to live now, if I lose my disability & medicare, that's really a sign it's all over... just all so overwhelming. It would be so much easier to just quit now & get it over with. I'm so close... so close. :Cry:
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, why can't you talk to your fiance about the lying and trust issues. I get that you're saying she lies, but if you know her very well, I would say trust your instincts on this one. Sorry to hear about the health issues, and the fight to keep your disability. I'm not american so I don't know how it works there but is there a social worker that could help you fight your corner? Don't give up the fight :)
  3. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    Thanks Petal... sadly talking to my fiance about all this is just too difficult... when I bring up certain things, he takes them way too personally, like I'm attacking him. But I love him so much, I can't just give up on the relationship... I keep thinking it would get better... but because of the relationship, I've lost everyone else... but at the same time, I'm afraid of losing him every day... I've gotten so low, I just don't see any reason to keep fighting everything.
    And no, there's no social worker that will fight for me... they are the ones fighting against me... if they do what I think they are trying/planning to do, my only recourse would be an attorney, which I def cannot afford.
    I'm just so exhausted... between the physical pain, the emotional pain and the stress... I just don't have any fight left in me... it's just about figuring out how & when now.
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