so tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lifeismeaningless, Jan 13, 2007.

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  1. lifeismeaningless

    lifeismeaningless New Member

    I used to pray like most people, asking for the usual selfish things, better job, better relationships, more money, etc. Those prayers went unanswered. I changed my way of praying, asking to just not feel bad and hopeless. Those prayers went unanswered. Now every night I pray that God take me, and every morning I wake up wondering why I have to still be here. I now question the existince of God. I go through the motions most every day, work to pay the bills, cook and clean - do what I have to do. I have tried medication and counseling. I always feel the same way, none of those work.

    And no one truly cares - not even family members. The words "How are you doing?" are meaningless. If I inidicate the slightest bit that my life is less than satisfactory, people lose interest and don't want to know, don't want to get involved. I have one teenage son who thankfully does not seem to carry this trait of mine. He knows I am depressed a lot, but just chalks it up to mom not liking her job or mom not being able to get a date with anyone.

    I used to feel I was an attractive woman. The few men I have been with over the last few years have convinced me otherwise. The words "I love you" are meaningless.

    The only thing that brings me any comfort is the thought that once my son is done with highschool and moves out, I will take my life. I sure as hell cannot imagine living another 30 or 40 years feeling this way.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    First, let me welcome you to SF. You have found a place where you can speak how you feel and see how others have dealt with situations similar to yours. I do have some thoughts on your comment about prayers, but if you wish to explore those, it is best to do so through PMs, I think. I know what you mean about doing what you need to do everyday. We go through the motions and do our best just not to feel at all. Seems like it makes it better somehow, but it really doesn't. I think your family probably does care. They simply do not understand or are afraid to face it. I may be wrong as I don't know much about your situation.

    I do hope you are able to find meaning once again, beyond that of your son graduating. Even after that time, it is not something that is easy for the survivors to deal with. Many others lives are destroyed by the suicides of friends or relatives. I must admit to you, that I have had, and still often do have, those same feelings. As soon as my children are grown and gone, it will be okay for me to go. But will it really? I can't say. I may never know the answer and I don't think there is a right or wrong one.

    I guess for now, I am glad you have found us and posted to let us know how you feel. You will more than likely make many new friends here. I am looking forward to getting to know you better. Please take care. :hug:
  3. thecleric

    thecleric Guest

    Sorry, but Emo Philips comes to mind:

    When I was young, I used to pray every night, asking God to give me a new bicycle.

    Gradually, I learned that God doesn't work that way.

    So I went out and stole a bicycle and asked God to forgive me.

    We count our blessings where we find them. That sounds like one to me.
  4. Cheryl

    Cheryl Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry that life has become so wearisome for you. And, i guess we can all say that we do or at times have felt some or all of the feelings you've shared. So, you're in good company. And, some of us are ALIVE today to tell you things can really get better for you!

    Sometimes doing the same ole', same ole' just gets so incredibly weary. Add to that family and/or friends with whom we cannot relate is painful. But, I want you to know that while there are things we all have to do in life ie. clean, cook, take care of the also need to take care of you. Personally, I'm glad that you're here. This is a good place to start to share what you're feeling and find new friends that CAN RELATE to you and support you.

    Life can be so much more meaningful than you are currently experiencing. Its time to take care of you. You matter. I know you've had a lot of disappointments and some very painful statements spoken to you. But, your life can have be rewarding, meaningful, and so much more than merely existing and waiting for your son to graduate....THEN...

    My dad waited until I was an adult before he died by suicide. In fact, he waited until I was 29. Did he think that I no longer needed him? Or, that he had somehow fulfilled his responsibility to see that I was grown and able to carry on my own? He was wrong! I live with an indescribable hole in my heart! When my daddy died he took a significant part of my heart with him. The wreckage from his death is absolutely devastating. And now I feel like I live with a life sentence of pain as a result of his death. Its a nightmare than never ends. There isn't one day that passes that I don't need my daddy. And, your son will need you too. He'll need you when he turns 20, 30, 40 and so on.... My daddy ended his pain....but, created a life sentence of pain for his entire family - aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, wife, children, friends and family....the pain never ends it just gets pushed on everyone else's shoulder for the rest of their lives. Please don't do this to your precious gift, your son!

    Instead, start living the kind of life you've always dreamed about. Find meaningful things that you would enjoy...and live your life to its fullest. It does get better! One day at a time!

    God bless you,
  5. lostcat95

    lostcat95 Guest

    keep praying and reading the bible
  6. gizmo

    gizmo Active Member

    Hey LIM,

    It sounds like you're having quite a rough time and your teenage son is going to need your love and support when he is an adult as well (as well as his grandchildren). I get the impression that there may be some communication problems with friends / family. Thats something that can be fixed if desired.
  7. gizmo

    gizmo Active Member

    I disagree. Embracing a fantasy book does not help with human psychological needs. Religion can (i.e. methods of human relationship) or any other environment that promotes reasonably healthy social ties.
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