I feel so tired of feeling the way I do. I've been battling suicidal thoughts for years now and I can't deal with feeling this way anymore. This year has been the worse in terms of my mental health. I've attempted several times with just one attempt landing me in the hospital but it turns out that everything I was taking was accumulating inside of me and now they say I will lose my liver if I take anymore pills before February. They were wrong because I have continued to take pills in hopes of shutting down my liver but it never works. Nothing works. It's like I was cursed to live. I am in college but that will probably end soon since I'm probably going to fail all of my classes. I never felt like getting out of bed and its hard to keep attending and pretending like everything is okay when you don't want to live. I've been self-injuring for 7 years now and I don't think I can stop but at this point I don't want to because it is the only thing that keeps these thoughts from not overwhelming me to the point I just run out in the middle of the highway. I feel tired all the time: I usually sleep 10-15 hours a day. Sleeping doesn’t help me feel any less tired though. I don’t like going outside anymore. I feel overwhelmed when I go outside and I feel like I don’t have the energy for it anymore. I constantly have a headache (I tried Aleve, Advil, Tylenol, Excedrin, B complex vitamins but nothing works). I feel like I can’t care anymore. My grades have really gone down but I feel numb to it. I used to be an all “A” student and I worked very hard to get into the university I’m attending but now I feel like I don’t care if I fail out. I just feel numb to it. I don’t really find pleasure in anything. I don’t have any hobbies anymore because I feel like I don’t care enough to do them. I don’t really do much of anything anymore. I don’t see a future anymore. I just feel numb like I’m just going through the motions. The way I would describe it as is more than sadness. I feel numb and hopeless and like there is darkness in the pit of my stomach. I don’t talk to anyone anymore and I avoid people. I don’t have any friends anymore and don’t feel like I have the strength to maintain a friendship anymore. I even feel tired talking to my parents. I don’t feel like eating anymore. It’s something I have to force myself to do. When I feel very sad I have pain in my neck, stomach, chest and head and I can’t stop crying. I feel this pressure in my chest and head but mostly the chest. Sometimes I cry in public. I feel like can’t control when I cry and I don’t know when it’s going to happen. I’ve had to leave class or take a break while working because of crying spells. Sometimes when I’m eating in the cafeteria or studying I’ll just start crying randomly. It also feels like I can’t breathe sometimes and I often have stomach cramps often. When I get angry I can feel my arm and neck tingling. When I get nervous it feels like I’m losing control/ I feel out of body and disoriented, sweating, feels like I’m going to die, I can’t breathe, my stomach cramps, I get shaky, I feel like I’m going to pass out and then I feel disoriented for a few days with a dull headache. Always feel nervous, can’t calm myself Lately it has also be very difficult for me to concentrate, and it often takes hours for me to refocus my thoughts. I keep having very dark thoughts, intrusive thoughts (hurting others/myself). Can’t do things very fast anymore, feels like I’ve slowed down. Other people tell me I look tired, serious, sad, very quiet etc. Sometimes it just feels like no one cares. I'm told just to "get over it" or that I'm doing it for attention or its just an adjustment period but it is so much more than that. I've had these problems for so many years before I told anyone. I remember as early as being 9 or 10 that I wanted to die. At that point though I did not want to do it to myself I wanted someone else to come kidnap me and kill me but right now I wouldn't mind being the one to kill me and I would prefer it. I don't see a future and I can't live this way anymore but most of the time I attempt I fail. I tried this morning and failed. I feel like I'm in limbo and having a breakdown.