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So tired

Discussion in 'Midnight Owl' started by Vitreledonellidae, Mar 25, 2007.

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  1. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    My sleep is so odd lately. I have to sleep at least 10 hours a day, but I still feel so tired later that day. When I finished with work all I want to do is sleep. And its just nothing like me, since I was a baby I was a bad sleeper. Always falling way too late asleep. A month ago I slept for months, just 3 - 5 hours a night. I lost all my energy. After 5 min on the bike, I already am so tired. I havent done any active shit these past 2 weeks, because I dont ve the energy for it. And I'm eating enough and as you know sleeping enough. So why am I so tired??
    I really want to know, because I want to change that. Its 2.50 pm, I'm awake, my sleep was horrible, sweating and moving all the time. I gues, I wasnt really asleep, because I realised it. And the past days, I havent been able to talk with some of you guys and I just miss you so much.
    I fucking hate this world. Will I ever do it right? First I wasnt sleeping enough, now I am sleeping too much. First I was cutting too much, now I am burning myself too much. First I was drinking too much, now I dont have that feeling good moment anymore. Did I lost my energy, because I cant smile or laugh? Do I need to start with drinking again? Why cant I stop with selfharm? Is it because thats the only thing that makes me feel alive these days?
    This week I promised my psych not to do something wrong. With wrong I mean commiting suicide or an attempt. My parents are dissapointed.. again, because I'm so selfish, because ofthe selfharm. They ask me all the time, please, stop with it, do it for us. But they cant understand, why I cant stop with my selfharm for them. They dont realise, they are the only reason I still live, that I have to go through this shit every fucking day. But yeah I know I'm sorry I'm so fucking selfish. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry for trying to be perfect. I'm sorry I do everything wrong. I'm sorry for being alive. I'm sorry I'm so useless. Why cant you see that? Why cant you let me go?
    Ok sorry, for all of this, I just wanted to talk about my sleeping habit. I'm going to take a shower, to relax or something, I dunno.
    Sorry *huggles*
  2. Robin

    Robin Guest

    No-one is perfect and when we try we get a short sharp reminder of how far short we actually fall. People are more interesting with flaws in them anyhow, I like ya :) I know the need to please is strong with a lot of people but if you can't please yourself you will never please anyone to your own satisfaction.
  3. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I know that. Thats the thing, I dont think I ever can please myself. What I do and who I am is never good in my eyes. I always do it too much, too less, too wrong, too retarded, too mean, too sweet, I will never do it right. How can my view on myself change? How can I suddenly stop with hating myself? I cant, thats impossible. Thats why I tried to please others, but that isnt really working. Its more the oppesit. I only make things harder for my family. Why did I had to overdose a few weeks ago? Why did I start with cutting my arms instead of my legs a few months ago? I fucked everything up. Went so good for years, but in one day I fucked everything up and now I do the thing I really dont want to do the whole time. And thats hurting them, every fucking day. When they notice my new cuts, when they see my old scars, when they find some new pills, when I'm not smiling. I have to fucking smile the whole time for them. Ah damn, sorry, rambling again >.<
  4. Robin

    Robin Guest

    It's impossoble to stop the negative thoughts invading our minds sometimes but we are still able to challenge those thoughts instead of letting them get carried away with themselves and jumping to comclusions.
  5. SeemsPerfect

    SeemsPerfect Guest

    There's nothing to be sorry for. I don't consider any of that "ranting." I consider it a pressure release!! God knows we all need one from time to time.

    I know EXACTLY what you mean. I read the above and every line I could relate to. I wish I could tell you something that worked for me but, honestly, I'm still going through the exact same thing.

    What Robin said was 100% true...but you already know that. What I can say is at some point people like us HAVE to find the right balance. We can't be perfect for everyone, but we shouldn't withdraw from everyone and everything either.

    We just gotta do the best we can and realize that we're just people. We should try to be good people, but we're still human. We'll make mistakes. Its all about how we rebound from those mistakes. Cliche? Yeah, I think so. :dry: Still true, though. :cool:
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