so tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dazzle11215, Feb 29, 2008.

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  1. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm just so tired.

    i know i'm not doing well tonight... checked online to find out when high tide is (i live 4 minutes from the river)... listening to music.. thinking "it'd be nice if they played this song at my memorial service..." how fucked up is that?

    met with a new counsellor today. part of me knows this is my way of fighting back against help.

    thing is, i'm just so tired. so tired of being alone. so tired of being in pain. so tired of fighting.

    c.
     
  2. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Hey Catherine :)

    First, let me start off by giving you a nice :hug: .
    Second, it isn't fucked up, in my opinion - when we're depressed and the like, it's often natural (or an often thought of thought, anyway!), to think about death etc. I often have times like that, when I find a song and think ''Ah - I want this played at my funeral'' or some such. You're not alone in having that thought, believe me.

    Maybe give the counsellor a chance, if you can - it's good that you've got counselling, so you can start trying to overcome the troubles and hurdles that're facing you..
    I know it's not the same as real-life contact, but you're not alone here - we all care about you :)

    As I'm sure you know, this 'mood' (and I hesitate to use that word) or thoughts like this come and go ... try and get through tonight - we'll still be here with you throughout the night if needed as ever (the forum never sleeps :laugh: ), and see what tomorrow brings, and if the light of your life is, and your feelings are, any brighter :hug:

    Joe
     
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Joe, thanks for the hug and the encouraging words. Still hanging on ... went down to check out the river earlier but came home safely to my nice, warm bed. Another night survived. A small part of me knows this is backlash for seeking help but the voices are just so compelling, reminding me what a loser I am, what a humiliation it is to open up t strangers, cursing myself that i didnnt' go through with my last attempt. These voices are iiek vultures, ready pounce at any weekness. Its exhausting tryin gto reason with them
     
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi dazzle. Keep on fighting against those mean voices that are causing you so much trouble. Hang in there hun. You're not a loser, you're just going through a difficult time.
     
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    dave, thanks for believing in me even though i'm plagued with such doubts, such self-hatred right now. i made it through last night. i have appt on monday with the psych, phone call with the nurse *and* relaxation class LOL so just have to make it until then. one of those three is bound to jolt me out of this negative frame of mind,

    catherine
     
  6. Random

    Random Well-Known Member


    Yeah. That just seems to be the bottom line. Doesn't it? I've tried a million different ways to describe how I'm feeling or figure out why but it always comes right back to the fact that I'm just sick and tired of everything. I don't want to do anything. I don't care anymore. I really don't. Every time I get just a little bit of hope and good spirits, somebody pisses me off.
     
  7. twoyears

    twoyears Guest

    oh, you are a special one, that is for sure.
    we are of like minds.
    i was thinking about high tides today too.
    and the moon.
    and wondering what notes i could write to my others.
    it's tiresome...all this thinking...
    and lliving
    for others
    alike.
     
  8. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    At least you're trying to help yourself. Keep up with that, because suicide definently isn't the answer to your problems. You can be helped, and you can live a normal life.

    Keep your head up.
     
  9. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    :hug:
    Dazzle hang in there! You are doing so much to help yourself it is truly inspiring. I understand when you say 'i'm tired', they were exactly the words i used.....its so difficult when every second is a lifetime. Post here as much as you can or pm me anytime, i know there is not much i can do from here but i will willingly listen and if that helps get you through the next hour let alone the next night! Please give yourself a pat on the back - you are none of the things that the depression is telling you, it is a liar!!

    :handinhan

    Holding your hand. :smile:
     
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    another rough night.

    after a 12 year break i started self-harming about a week and a half ago; part of that "resistance" thing, i think, to getting better. at least, i feel that all that's happening is that the anti-depressants have lifted the fog i was in, but here i am, emotionally naked, floating around in all this self-hatred. told the nurse how i was feeling, agreed to not continue but tonight i cut again. but it doesn't give me the rush anymore, i just feel worse.

    tomorrow i have a pile of appointments - phone check in with nurse; psych; then a class. i want to lie to them all, tell them "yep, doing fine, much better" and be left alone to take make my final preparations.

    part of me knows this is a bad idea, i urge others to be honest, but as always i find it very hard to take my own advice.

    i don't want to be sneaky... but that's exactly what i'm planning to do. my family will be away next weekend. the timing seems perfect.
     
  11. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    dazzle i know what you are describing. When i started on my new meds it took 3 months for me to even feel the lifting of the fog - ok that doesn't seem like a long time but heck its long when you're suicidally depressed! - but the worst part was when it happened it didn't mean anything. Sure i guess I was mentally a bit better, as i wasn't technically on the edge anymore but i still felt like i was this black hole of nothingness. I still Sh'd often for no reason at all. I think i did it to make me feel more sane. I knew i wasn't better but i had no way of really conveying that to people. I couldn't even deal with it myself - every other time after depression i had started the fight again but this time despite feeling better i didn't want to. I was simply to tired to feel better only to have to fight again later. Turning that corner after the fog is lifting is one of the hardest things to do, and it takes time. I went quite awhile simply just doing things because they had to be done (in a not quite depression like way).
    Hold on, express to people how you feel, come on here and explain, paint/draw, put on music that resembles how you feel if you can. Ok sometimes nothing can ever get close because this emotion is so vast but this corner can be turned. You are on the right path hun. Don't give up!!
     
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