So tired....

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by LonelyTraveler, May 11, 2008.

  1. LonelyTraveler

    LonelyTraveler Well-Known Member

    I keep a journal on a Christian-based forum, and since it's on the fritz tonight I'll just dump tonights thoughts here. Forgive the religious references.

    Storm just passed over. Well I take that back. The storm passed by. Storms can't come OVER me. Storms can't collapse my house on top of me. Storms can't take a piece of lumber and propel it through my chest. God keeps them away. God won't let me die. This one was a huge line of bad bad storms with tornadoes and all. But as it got nearer to me, it split and the tornadoes went to the north and south of me. All I got was a bit of rain and maybe a puff of wind. I hate this curse.

    Can He not see this pain? Does He not know how much I hurt? Am I some kind of entertainment for Him. Someone to laugh at? Well it's not funny anymore. I'm tired of this pain. I'm tired of trying to talk to a woman and then finding out that her interest lies elsewhere and me ending up feeling like I'm committing adultery by thinking the thoughts I do. I'm tired of going through life alone. I'm tired of seeing women give themselves away to guys who couldn't care less about them, yet be completely blind to my love for them. I'm tired of being made to feel that it's my fault for how God created me. I'm tired of continuing this life and its pain when people for whom I care deeply can't even remember my name.

    Went to town this morning to ride my bike and walk. I didn't get to ride too much before my niece called and wanted us all to grab a bite to eat before doing some shopping. There were people everywhere on the trails, and I looked so fat on my bicycle. And when we met up to eat, there were so many women in the restaurant. So pretty... :( And then we went to some stores, and there were women in there too. It hurt so much.... So many women.... so pretty... :( Then tonight we all went to a restaurant to eat for Mother's Day since I work tomorrow. And there were so many women there. So pretty....:(

    Why did God do this to me??? Why did he give me the ability to see beauty in anything, yet make me the complete opposite OF beauty? It just hurts so much.

    I just want to die, God. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask that I be released from this hell? Is it too much to ask that I be loved? I want out, God.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    that's a terrible feeling, seeing the beauty around you and yet feeling the opposite. but some people - me included - believe that God doesn't make mistakes. i don't look at external appearances, because that's just a random genetic combo - instead i look for the beauty within.

    the difference between where you are now, and what you want out of life must seem so great. i hope that you will be able to close that gap. i hope you find a way.
  3. I see the beauty, then I realize that it's all just an illusion.