So tired...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cmaurer1, Jun 15, 2009.

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  1. cmaurer1

    cmaurer1 New Member

    Prepare for a long one... lol I am not sure how this is supposed to work but here goes. :)

    I will give a bit of background, not everything just enough to give an idea of why I am feeling like I am, and have been for a long time.

    My mother is an alcoholic and has tried to commit suicide three times. She is Native American so maybe you can understand, or maybe you cannot. Seeing as how she is Native American I got the lucky Alcoholic gene in me as well!! Lucky me... I have known from an early age that I was an alcoholic. I was able to not drink until I was 16. The first time I got drunk I blacked out, went through that for about a year and then quit cold turkey for 2 years. Then when I turned 19 I started hanging out with all new people and started to drink again, not good.. :poo:

    Well it was ok at first. I drank socially and nothing too bad happened. Then I started to black out again. I am the type of alcoholic who can sit and drink beer all day long and be the nicest person in the world, then I start on the Liquor and shit goes South. When it goes South it is not a good thing for those around me. I am a fairly big guy and can do quite a bit of damage, even drunk.

    I had several warning signs as well as my father and other family and friends telling me to slow down but I did not listen... I have spent a lot of money paying people back for what I break or trying to keep friendships intact after a single nite of "fun".

    Christmas of 08' I got arrested for DUI, Minor, Possession of both Marijuana and Paraphernalia. I chalked that one up to an accident because I was blacked out. Then Easter weekend I got a PI and resisting arrest. That was when I hit bottom. When I got arrested I was fighting two guys off the street and then the cops showed up and I got tased. It was the worst pain of my life, even drunk as hell. I have had to pay a lot of money which does not bother me, it is just a material possession after all. What bothers me is how badly I have let my family down.

    When I was 14 I first tried to slit my wrist. I guess it wasn't a try, I did it but then I pussed out and called my aunt who works in a doctors office. We got it straightened out but it was not fun. I have had suicidal thought since I was 12, now I am 20 and I am just so tired of them.

    I am not a weak willed person or anything like that I am just tired. I feel like I have completed nearly everything in life that I wanted. I have an amazing family, amazing friends who are always there for me, excellent job or grad school opportunities if I decide to take them. I have a lot going for me I am just so tired. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I have no plans to get married or have children, I do not want to pass any of these weaknesses on or put my burdens on a spouse. The only thing that is really keeping me going at the moment is finishing my bachelor's so that my father is not completely disappointed in me. He has already did so much for me that I cannot justify leaving him after all the support he has shown me. Sooner or later I will go through with it though. I do not want to live to be old, I want to die young, strong and with all of my mental faculties.

    I can usually start to feel a little bit better if I talk to someone but I have no one to talk to this late at nite. These thoughts did not used to happen as much as they do now. I can tell when things are getting bad because I become a recluse of sorts, have nitemares every time I sleep(I do not sleep much), and drink more.

    Super sorry for the long story. You do not have to read the whole thing, I just needed to get a small part off of my chest for a bit. :)
     
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    First off, welcome to SF.

    Very curageous of you to share so much about your situation. I don't have to tell you that you will not be able to do much with that kind of a drinking problem. Have you tried to stop? If not, I would suggest the common method of AA or other type of support group. If you've already tried this then I would suggest you speak to a doctor about it.

    You have much going for you as far as your family support and the ability to complete your schooling. I don't think you should be that concerned right now about passing on something negative to your children should you decide to have a family. It's quite possible that you would have a great family as you're intelligent and kind-hearted.

    Please continued the dialogue here and should you wish, I would be happy to continue via private message.
     
  3. cmaurer1

    cmaurer1 New Member

    I can stop when/if I want. The problem is that I do not want/wish to yet... I have stopped on my own before. My mother has never been able to. I can. I just enjoy it too much right now. I stopped for 4 months last year because I wanted to get healthier. I stopped, started to work out and jog again and it was ok. I love being in shape, I used to be heavier when I was young and I hated it, I am not in the best shape right now but I am still ok. I have been slowing down up until this past week. That is kind of what sent me over my small edge for the moment, last week I drank every day.. It was a good time up until the last day, I was hungover for two days straight. I am fairly certain I was near alcohol poisoning. I puked constantly the first day and the second I could do nothing except for sit around and read.

    I have had to have my stomach pumped once, that was a horrible couple of days as well. I am court ordered to go to AA and my D&A classes every week. That has helped a bit, but I just do not care is my problem. I just feel like I have achieved as much as I care to. I have been witness to some great and horrible things in my short time alive. I have no curiosity anymore and that is what scares me. To not be curious about anything is a very unpleasant feeling. I have no wonder about anything and I feel like nothing more than an animated piece of meat. The small joy that I do have is being around my family or friends or helping to teach a lab and doing my research at school. Even being around my family is not as good as it should be. I know what they are thinking/saying, I am far from stupid and they seem to think that because I drink I am stupid. Not to mention the fact that I have failed them for now and it will be a long while before I can gain back the trust that I lost. I accept that and know that it is all my fault though.

    I have no doubt that I would be a horrible husband/father. I am a selfish person when it comes to something I enjoy. I just cannot justify marrying someone or having a child so that I am not alone. I am not that selfish that I would do that to someones life.
     
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I understand what you're saying but if it is not the alcohol that is causing your negative thought pattern regarding life in general, then maybe therapy can get to the bottom of it.

    As you are quite intelligent, perhaps you already know, especially in light of the mention of some horrible childhood experience. But then, perhaps the therapy can help you deal with those issues.

    Since you are talking here though, and as you have been quite open about the matter at hand, can you tell us why you feel that you just don't want to continue. There are so many people who do not get married who still lead complete and useful lives.

    Why do you think you have no more curiosity. Frankly, as a single male who has no children, the only thing I have is curiosity.
     
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