Prepare for a long one... lol I am not sure how this is supposed to work but here goes. I will give a bit of background, not everything just enough to give an idea of why I am feeling like I am, and have been for a long time. My mother is an alcoholic and has tried to commit suicide three times. She is Native American so maybe you can understand, or maybe you cannot. Seeing as how she is Native American I got the lucky Alcoholic gene in me as well!! Lucky me... I have known from an early age that I was an alcoholic. I was able to not drink until I was 16. The first time I got drunk I blacked out, went through that for about a year and then quit cold turkey for 2 years. Then when I turned 19 I started hanging out with all new people and started to drink again, not good.. oo: Well it was ok at first. I drank socially and nothing too bad happened. Then I started to black out again. I am the type of alcoholic who can sit and drink beer all day long and be the nicest person in the world, then I start on the Liquor and shit goes South. When it goes South it is not a good thing for those around me. I am a fairly big guy and can do quite a bit of damage, even drunk. I had several warning signs as well as my father and other family and friends telling me to slow down but I did not listen... I have spent a lot of money paying people back for what I break or trying to keep friendships intact after a single nite of "fun". Christmas of 08' I got arrested for DUI, Minor, Possession of both Marijuana and Paraphernalia. I chalked that one up to an accident because I was blacked out. Then Easter weekend I got a PI and resisting arrest. That was when I hit bottom. When I got arrested I was fighting two guys off the street and then the cops showed up and I got tased. It was the worst pain of my life, even drunk as hell. I have had to pay a lot of money which does not bother me, it is just a material possession after all. What bothers me is how badly I have let my family down. When I was 14 I first tried to slit my wrist. I guess it wasn't a try, I did it but then I pussed out and called my aunt who works in a doctors office. We got it straightened out but it was not fun. I have had suicidal thought since I was 12, now I am 20 and I am just so tired of them. I am not a weak willed person or anything like that I am just tired. I feel like I have completed nearly everything in life that I wanted. I have an amazing family, amazing friends who are always there for me, excellent job or grad school opportunities if I decide to take them. I have a lot going for me I am just so tired. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I have no plans to get married or have children, I do not want to pass any of these weaknesses on or put my burdens on a spouse. The only thing that is really keeping me going at the moment is finishing my bachelor's so that my father is not completely disappointed in me. He has already did so much for me that I cannot justify leaving him after all the support he has shown me. Sooner or later I will go through with it though. I do not want to live to be old, I want to die young, strong and with all of my mental faculties. I can usually start to feel a little bit better if I talk to someone but I have no one to talk to this late at nite. These thoughts did not used to happen as much as they do now. I can tell when things are getting bad because I become a recluse of sorts, have nitemares every time I sleep(I do not sleep much), and drink more. Super sorry for the long story. You do not have to read the whole thing, I just needed to get a small part off of my chest for a bit.