So Tired...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by whereorwhen, Dec 14, 2009.

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  1. whereorwhen

    whereorwhen Member

    I'm so tired of feeling lost and useless. My kids are estranged. I want to reenter the work force, but this is a lousy time for it. I'm not sure that I married the right person, although that may well be the BPD/depression talking. I'm unhappy with where I live, but it's my wife's home, plus there's only one other state in which I could get health insurance. I feel stuck and trapped.

    I'm doing some things to retrain myself, but my self-confidence isn't exactly high. I apply for jobs that I'd be great at, but I voluntarily withdrew from the work force for 10 years after my late wife passed away so that I could raise my kids. So I never hear back from the employers. It's hard to be 54 and starting over.

    Every day, I look over job ads and read until I can start watching television at 7p. I watch the tube until 10-11, then take a sleeping pill. I usually force myself out of the house in the afternoon so that I don't spend the whole day on the couch reading and sleeping.

    Blah blah blah... Such self-pity. I guess I'm losing my self-respect, too.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    no you are just depressed im there too its a awful place keep trying okay get your name out there and i hope you find a job that can bring you some joy take care.
  3. whereorwhen

    whereorwhen Member

    Thanks, Violet. I'm trying. I spent my career in jobs that I didn't like but that paid the bills. Now, I'd like to do something meaningful, too.
  4. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Same here. My depression started like that. You've got the right to your share and to be happy :hugtackles:
  5. whereorwhen

    whereorwhen Member

    Thanks, Mission. I've struggled with depression off and on for close to 25 years. I was on a good meds regimen until my wife died. After that, I became emotionally involved with one of my caregivers from when I had cancer. She made a lot of promises that she didn't keep...

    Anyway, I'm well past her except that I've never been able to get my meds right since then. Then my kids became estranged from each other, which definitely made matters worse.

    I've been in a hole for months now -- the worst one ever. Lithium has helped some, but my self-confidence and feelings of worth are shot. I'm about to give up, I fear.
  6. whereorwhen

    whereorwhen Member

    Which doesn't mean that I'll do myself in, as much as I think about it. I just don't think I could do that to my kids, my wife, and my family. But I'm hurting...
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