So tired...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by r9wss, Jun 20, 2010.

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  1. r9wss

    r9wss New Member

    The minutes turn to hours, which run into days, which multiply into weeks, and soon, morph into months. Been tired for so long, and lately, things are just getting the better of me.

    41 years old, and have suicidal thoughts for years, on and off. Last 2 years have been very difficult...lost my father in 2008, got divorced in 2009, lost my job in 2010, unable to find work (not even a nibble) since Jan. Feel the walls closing in, financially. Being ground down with alimony payments, child care, mortgage, etc. Most of my friends have abandoned me like a pariah, no one in my life romantically, am very tired of my current existence. Have sever sleep apnea, never get a good nights sleep, despite corrective surgery and a CPAP mask that I sleep with. Bald and not very attractive, never was a lady's man. No prospects on the horizon, either.

    Just amazed how quickly my life turned to utter garbage. I don't ever fell "alive" anymore, just as if I exist in a vacuum of joy or emotion. Everything seems grey and bland. Things that used to get my blood flowing no longer do. Have sold or given away most of my possessions, and once a few loose ends are tied up, I am seriously thinking of shuffling on off this place. I am just very worried about the future of this country, and the world in general, and fear that a terrible time is about to set down upon us.

    While I have tried to be positive and keep a stiff upper lip, I have literally lost all hope in my future. I see nothing but added woe and doom ahead, and honestly, don't think I have the strength, emotionally, to deal with losing my house, my boys, and everything I ever worked for my whole life. Not even sure why I am posting this, perhaps its because I have had a few too many tonight (not a big drinker anymore, but decided to tip a few back tonight).

    I've read all the inspirational sayings (Light at the end of th tunnel, always darkest before the dawn, etc.), and while they sound nice and all, they really don't do much in the way of comforting me. Think I will have an "accident" cleaning my rifles one day, at least that way, maybe the kids can collect the insurance money, LOL. Or the ex. Hell, she's got or is getting everything anyway. Can I tell you how much I hate divorce laws? And how patently unfair they are?

    Anyhow, neither here nor there, getting sleepy, tomorrow's Father's Day, got to hit the hay.
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    :hug: :hugtackles:
  3. niceguy

    niceguy Active Member

    i think i have some idea about how you feel. i feel the walls closing in too. and i'm tired of seeing my life fall apart. but joining sf has helped me see things a little differently. i hope you find the support you need too. stay with us. and welcome aboard :) .
  4. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hello, I know what you are saying. Sometimes no amount of positive words can seem to make a dent in what you are going through. It seems the pain will go on forever. But, in reality, nothing stays the same, even now as you are reading this, you are changing, and the world is changing around you.
    Look back ten years ago, some seeming insurmountable things in your life or even health has completely turn around for the better.
    But sometimes we take those positive changes for granted and not realize how much we have, or how far we have come.
    Sometimes we who have a lot become numb to the good things in our lives.
    And only when it's taken away from us we realize what we had.
    That's why happiness can sometimes be understood when we look back to the 'good old days'.
    You are maybe coming to the end of the long dark tunnel right now, even when you feel like you can't go on another step.
    But you need to hold on so you can be there to celebrate the victory.
    Be grateful for what you have and dig deep inside of you for strength to go through another day.
    Things have a way of solving themselves, (no storm goes on forever), and some things do get better in time.
    The ones we can't overcome, we adapt, or learn from.
  5. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I don't know how much longer I can carry on either- I'm so fucking depressed and I don't want to live. There is nothing optimistic for me. Wish I had some words of encouragement for you.
  6. r9wss

    r9wss New Member

    Very kind words, and I do appreciate them. Truly.

    However, even when things were "good", I still had feelings of doubt, of insecurity, and of self loathing.

    While I fully understand one can not go back and change the past, and I have made peace with many of the demons of my past, I still persist in this notion and gut feeling that I am on an inevitable slide to blackness.

    I can look forward to nothing that gives me optimism for a brighter future. I have little in the way of job prospects, despite a Bachelor's and Master's degree and 16 years professional experience. I will lose my custodial rights to my children once I vacate my house. I have no one that I can fall in with to bridge the gap until I can get on my feet again (if ever). I have hit rock bottom professionally, financially, spiritually, emotionally, and personally, and I really don't see a way out or any rosy scenario to change things up on the horizon. I feel as if the walls are closing in on me, with no escape. I really can not envision myself homeless, broke, and with no where to go. Once I default on everything, my assets that I have left will be seized to pay off my ex's alimony and a chunk will go to child support, and the rest to my pay off my debts (which is just my house at this point). I have just been ground down by the system and the lousy economy, and it has taken its toll on my mental well being and sense of self worth and expectations.

    I truly feel as if my only solution is to finally take control of my destiny and settle things on my terms.
  7. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    r9wss, you'll survive this.
    You'll eat three meals a day.
    You'll always have a place to sleep at night.
    You'll meet good people again.
    When you have nothing, you are eligible for more aid and programs.
    Time to use up all that tax money you have been giving to the government over the years.
    You can always volunteer until you find a job.
    The churches are there for everyone.
    You have more time to read and get to know your strengths.
    They will always be your babies, no court can change that.
    In this country anyone can dig themselves out of the ashes.
    Go to parents or relatives if you are face with homelessness.
    When you have hit bottom, there is no place to go but up.:cheekkiss
  8. r9wss

    r9wss New Member

    The problem is, my unemployment is basically garnished right off the bat, for alimony and child support. I get the max per week, but almost 70% of it disappears right from the check, to pay for my expenses. They will not lower them until I am flat broke and totally financially exhausted. It was the first thing I checked in with my lawyer and the State about. Both told me the same thing: As long as I have assets, financial or physical, the state will seize them. I got a 6 month severance package, but that is about gone. Once I am out of that, I have my 401K, but that was devasted in the divorce (she got 1/2, despite the fact she never contribued a dime towards it....grrrr....)

    I had talked with my mom about moving in with her, but she was not really receptive to the idea. Since my father's passing, she's gotten very independent, and I am not sure she's too thrilled with the idea of sharing her home with me.

    The problem is, I am on the hook for another 5 1/2 years of alimony at 1K per month, plus child support (currently another $500 per month). And that is all after tax money. Then I need to pay my mortgage, living expenses, food, car insurance, etc. Once I finally get out from under the alimony, my boys will begin college, and I am on the hook for 1/3 of that expense. Basically, I have no money and am looking at being an indentured servant for the next 15 years or so before I am ever going to be living at anything other then just a subsistence level (barring a major financial miracle).

    And that all assumes I find another job paying me what i was getting, which is highly unlikely.

    I just feel like it is a hopeless situation. I have never felt this lonely or depressed in my life. Swallowing a bullet seems like the only reasonable answer I can come up ex is going to be getting pretty much all of my estate anyway, one way or the other. At least I can preserve as much of a chunk of it as possible, and perhaps give my boys a bit of money for college when the time comes. As it currently stands, I will be just ground down month by month until I am completely financially worthless, and then what? I owe them a chance to do better then I did.
  9. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    I see how difficult it is, and I can't even imagine how much you are suffering. It's a lot. You seem to be losing everything you took your whole life to build up. Plus, she has the kids. Ask your mother if you can stay with her if you need a place to stay, because it will be far worse if she loses you.
    Tomorrow, I will try and respond to you as this is important what you are telling me.
    For now, get through the next twenty-four hours.
    Pay attention to only what is in front of you at the moment and leave the rest to God.
  10. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    r9wss, I am so sorry for what you have been going through. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be feeling. This is like a nightmare. I don't think it can get worse. When I am tested beyond my limits, I go within myself and I only respond to what is necessary and vital. I only deal with things that are important for the functioning of affairs.
    I pray to God, and I get strength to go step by step.
    I go within and I comfort myself, telling myself that I will get through this.
    I don't think about the next five minutues, I imagine myself floating in a gentle ocean, being borne by the water, and I float.
    I can't do anything about the bad things happening around me, so I just leave them in the hands of God.

    The human body can stand only so much stress before it closes itself to the pain. So you don't have to worry that you can't carry the burden.

    What are your creditors going to do, they can't put you in prison.
    You just pay your child support and anything else your conscience tell you is right, and get enough food to eat. Healthy food, because you want to be ready and strong for the battle.
    You got to take care of your health and read a good inspirational book that stands for hope.
    You can get free counseling, if not at a clinic, then at church. Or you can join a support group. You may find someone in similar situation as you and make friends with people who understand you.

    I want to mention volunteer work again. It gets your mind of your situation for a few hours, and you can help people, some whose situation might be worse than yours.

    Don't try to take the pain in all at once. Life is lived a step at a time. Nothing is given to you all at once. Everything could be portioned off in teaspoons if possible, sweetened or lightened, so that the task need not be overwhelming.

    When you get a job again, your stress will lighten and things will turn around.

    Talk to a pastor or people in a support group so you don't bottle this stress all up.
    Remember, a step at a time. God will do the rest.
    Take care.:cheekkiss:
  11. r9wss

    r9wss New Member

    Thanks, I do appreciate the advice. However, I have lost my faith in God. I have led a good life, atoned for my sins, tried to walk the straight and narrow, and teach my kids right from wrong. I have prayed and asked for help, and yet, all I seem to get are additional barriers in my path. If God does exist, I feel as if he has forsaken me.

    In fact, I have lost faith in just about all I once held as dear or true or right. Work hard, go to school, get an education, it will all turn out OK was what was beaten into my head as a kid by my parents, school, society. I did what I was supposed to do, I upheld my end of the bargain, I scrimped and saved and sacrificed to put myself through school, to make something out of my life, and its all be stripped away because some bean counter somewhere decided they needed to cut costs, despite record CEO payouts, and billions in profits last year for my former company.

    I don't want to sound like a whiny puss, but the fact is, yes, I am losing or about to lose my entire life's work due to no fault of my own, and I am powerless to reverse this course of events unless I somehow find sustainable employment. Fat chance of that, for every job opening, there are 6 people out of work according to a news article I read the other day. And now, companies are starting to not hire out of work people, preferring those already employed, further compounding the problem.

    I am just so screwed right now. All these great programs designed to help people out I never seem to be able to qualify for (not poor enough, not old enough, etc.) I have looked into food stamps (don't qualify), lowering my mortgage (don't qualify), getting my Child Care and Alimony reduced (can't be done), low income housing (don't qualify).

    Like I said, I have just lost hope in ever regaining any semblance of my manhood and sense of self worth back. I am not looking for a CEO position, just a job to pay the bills and allow me a small modicum of dignity. Right now, I have none.
  12. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hang in there, my friend.
  13. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    This seems like a horrific financial situation. Do you get to see your kids, or are you just providing for them?
  14. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    r9wss, I am so sorry. You did everything right, and everything seem to have gone wrong. If your wife had stayed by your side during this difficult time, things won't have be so bad. It's because of the divorce things really seem to have gotten bad. I am sorry. I know your situation is difficult, and you can't seem to see any thing good in all of this.
    Your lifestyle as you know it is gone, and worse of all it seem you have no one there to support you.
    Even your faith in God is tested.
    There are no easy answers, no magic bullet.
    Whenever things get so bad it seems that there is nothing good left, there is one thing left to us: THE FREEDOM TO ENDURE THING WITH GRACE.
    We can choose to sink into despair, or to become bitter.
    Or we can choose to take life a step at a time.
    Life is lived a step at a time.
    At the end of the day, we sleep.
    During the day, we can rest at times.
    We don't have to carry the whole burden, but we can take little steps towards our goals.
    It's said, that God will give us the strength to go on or He will carry us.
    All we have to do is show up.
    Rest often, eat well, get a small amount of exercise everyday, even a fifteen minute walk in the cool of the morning. Connect to at least one person so that you don't do this alone.
    Remember worrying will accomplish nothing. Learn to find peace in the storm.
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