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So tired....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PK71, Oct 16, 2010.

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  1. PK71

    PK71 Active Member


    I've battled depression now for 13yrs (I'm 26), I'm just tired of fighting. Do you ever think that being so depressed is the minds way of telling us that it's time to call it a day?
    Had devastatingly bad news last night....but whist I should be in tears I just feel well kind of numb but fluctuating with thoughts of pure anger towards the person who hurt me and then thoughts of just calling it a day. It's not even despair, just a longing for relief.
    Problem is, I know I could get relief by giving in to the anger and really going after the person who hurt me but to what end? I love the person, so do I hurt them deliberately or simply end my life which would still devastate them but then at least everything just stops for me?

    I've wrestled with these thoughts for years and years, this isn't just a reaction to last night but more like, I gave life a chance last time and the time before that and so on - how many chances do it I give it to keep on kicking me??

    I'm so lonely too, surrounded by friends yet not one of them I could talk to, such a paradox.

    Suppose the only thing stopping me is that I haven't got the energy to clean up....I know it sounds bizarre but for my family's sake they couldn't learn of the way I've been living.
  2. slider

    slider Member

    Dear, Dear Ariston:

    Oh how I could have written your post. I have been where you are and I know that it is not pretty. I know the feeling of utter despair. Believe me, I KNOW. You asked, "so do I hurt them deliberately or simply end my life which would still devastate them but then at least everything just stops for me"? The impulsive answer is both but the answer for real life is neither. My question to you is, if they hurt you badly enough to make you want to end it all, who is to say that they would be devastated if you did follow through? How would you know? You can assume but if you are not here you will not have the physical satisfaction of knowing they are hurting. Over the past week I have begun to realize that we all have hurt or will hurt someone that we care about. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. I am a firm believer that the first time can be chalked up to a mistake, after that there is a certain level of intent.

    Yesterday was one week ago when I was fighting to die, or at least my pain was telling me to end it all. Hurt the world as bad as I was hurting. In actuality, I was fighting to live. If you read my first post "Close but no cigar" I admitted to people that I have never met (this forum) what I had done and that I "failed". The fastest answer is stick around, talk to us. That is a great answer because at least you know that someone cares enough to want to talk you through the crisis. Lets face it, when someone is suffering we don't neccessarily want to talk. We want the quickest action, we want the pain to stop. At least, that is how it was for me.

    Oh, crap, I guess in my effort to try and help you I am rattling. Please, try to step away from the pain that is clouding your judgement to shoot from the hip. Allow time to clear the hazing pain that you are suffering. LIVE! Live and grow from what you are going through. Stick around and help someone else through a suicidal crisis. Help someone else live. That is the greatest satisfaftion that you can and will fill. Share your experience with someone else in pain so we can ALL survive and help one another.
  3. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    Thank you for the lovely reply, it means a lot,

    It's not the first time this person has made a mistake, I'm less angry now, it was a mistake but a hugely selfish one. I'm too ashamed to even say what happened but it would drive a healthy mind to suicidal thoughts. And there it is, that tide of anger and revulsion that just kicks me in stomach when I think of it...
    Would she be hurt if I died? Yes, emotionally the guilt would crush her but the after the inquest she'd be finished and out of a job. Given what's happened and what her job is the press would have a field day.
    So there is another conundrum, I'm angry but I love her and how could I cost her all of that?? So I'm stuck in limbo of so many emotions pulling me in so many directions and I don't know which one will win.
    I must sound pretty cold but I'm trying to write as if I'm looking in on all of this...part of me feels detached....

    I'm really glad that you are fighting on, we are all fighters, nobody comes close to suicide without fighting a battle that so few will ever understand but you can't win every battle in life, not when you've won so many in the past but carry the wounds to show it. I'm just worn down.
    How do I break out of the misery?? I've tried so very very hard for 13yrs but nothing has changed??? I've embraced therapy and meds and really have given the best chances filled with hope and optimism to them but I always end up back here.
    I've had 26yrs of hell, I'd like to say that was melodramatic or an exaggeration but it's not. Exasperated.
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey there,

    don't know what to say. I hear you when you say you've fought for so long and are tired.

    I think it is worthwile to keep on fighting. It may seem impossible that you will feel better, but it is possible. Also, there are a lot of other people in the world that need help, and if you can get yourself in a good place, you can help them too.

    Could you talk to the person that you love that hurt you? Is that possible?

    Could you talk to a therapist about it?

    Could you tell us about it?
  5. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    Hi May,

    I'm out of therapy now so no therapist and we all know NHS waiting times, the local mental health crisis team only do short term care but it's not really a problem they can fix.

    I guess I'll tell you, nobody here really knows me...
    My girlfriend and I got in to swinging which was fun for awhile but I started to dislike it more and more but anyway, I agreed to babysit for her last night (her child) so she could play with a guy who we met etc. She comes home and I wasn't too happy so she says she thinks we shouldn't have sex anymore but she'd see this guy again....she said she'd been planning to curtail our relationship for awhile that this was just bad timing. Don't know what to believe.
    That's the long and short of it and too painful to go in to more detail, sorry :(

    So yeah, that burning humiliation makes me want to physically injure him (not something I'm proud of saying) and makes me want to hurt myself. The pain was so bad last night that when I got home I drank from a glass of water and crushed the glass in my hand, badly cutting my palm because the pain of that was so much less than the shame and humiliation I'd just had. And better to hurt me than him or her right??
    It's like something out of a soap opera.

    I've lost my dignity - that's why this time the fight has gone out of me to survive.
  6. slider

    slider Member

    Sometimes you have to love someone from afar because the pain is too great. Been there, done that, still doing it. The loneliness is over whelming, been there, done that, still doing it. Call it a revelation, call it a dream, but while the ER fought to save my life and I fought to end my life, I saw that I have to live for myself. If I live because of someone else, that is selfish of me because then I am placing a huge burden on someone else. Believe me, I understand the pain tells you to die, to end it all, but please, I beg of you, don't give in. Stay with me, through this site we can wage a fight of survival together. Together we help someone else survive. I may not have the right words to say but sometimes we don't need words to comfort us, sometimes just knowing that someone else is right there, knowing how you feel, and helping you to fight is enough, but I can be there. I can listen, I can offer advice, but most of all I can ALWAYS care. You mean something to me because you are a life. You are a person. We cannot change our pasts but we can be the captain of our future.

    I am 43 years old. I have battled depression ever since I can remember. It has not been easy and will never be easy. My daughter once asked me why I am always so pessimistic? With honesty I told her that because each and every time that I have even been optimistic it has come back and bit me in the @**. It took almost dying for me realize that I am cheating myself of winning the battle of depression and my "prize" which I choose to believe that one day I will receive, may just be around the next corner. Sure, there could be heartache around the next corner but I won't know that until I take the next step.
  7. slider

    slider Member

    How do you break out of the misery? Don't, fight. Have you ever heard the phrase keep your friends close but your enemy even closer? I have renewed my spiritual faith. God accepts us for who we are.
  8. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    I'm done with fighting though, it's too painful - it's like walking over broken glass but without seeing an end, at first you'll walk and you'll walk till your feet are shredded and you'll overcome the urge to give up because survival is our instinct but there comes a time when so much blood has been spilt that you can't walk anymore, that you need to just come to terms with that and lay down and be at peace.
    There is no God in my world, I really respect your beliefs and everybody else's especially if it's helping you get through and helping you walk towards the future you want but for me, if there was a God he'd be my enemy, for if he has the power he's said to have then why this? No, it's easier for me to know that I am the master of my own destiny, that even if I can't control the things that come my way I can say when enough is enough, that power is mine and mine alone and I need to know that :(
  9. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Hi Ariston, I wondered - are you physically exhausted as well as emotionally? Do you ever have any break, or time to pamper yourself, for example a holiday? Health spa etc? How about doing something uplifting to ward off the enermy - you know the real enermy is the depression, God wouldn't be your enermy as slider says He accepts us for who we are, blame satan.

    You said: "there is no God in my world" because you are on the inside looking out, and your world is small. God is holding us all in His hands.
  10. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    Physically exhausted too, I'm self employed so I don't take holidays though I should, I don't need the money that comes off exhausting myself....I guess being in work is the biggest distraction I have. It's high pressure and I need that.
    I've dosed up on painkillers tonight so at least I wont be up thinking all night.
  11. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    do you think you could talk to your ex? she's been calling and calling - maybe she came to a realization of how she values you while you've been apart. I don't know if talking to her could make things better or could make things worse. It could help though. Couple counciling? I'm not saying you should get back together again, but being able to talk to her about it, even just yell and scream at her might make you feel better. Couple counciling might help to heal the wound.

    Individual therapy might also help. are you getting therapy now? are you on meds?
  12. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    I've spoken to her on text. She doesn't want me in her life anymore and tbh, I don't want her in mine.

    I'm on citralopram, 60mg a day.
  13. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    I'm self-employed too - it can be hard to find time for a much needed break.

    How are you feeling today? You mentioned about being dosed up on painkillers last night, be careful with them on Citralopram as well. :unsure:
  14. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    Yeah, it is but then TBH work keeps me busy, went in today to keep busy - I need that. I'm at my worst when I'm just sat doing nothing alone.

    I feel the same, well worse - gripped by anxiety, reading things I shouldn't. The depression makes me want to just give up, the anxiety makes me want to do something about that.
    I brought something home from work today to do this. I'm so torn. Wish somebody would help me but there is nobody.
  15. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    I spoke to a friend on facebook today. she was really shocked and didn't even tell her about this or suicide. Just about the depression/anxiety and how bad it's been for years.
    She wants me to come and see her tomorrow and tell all....it would be a massive relief to tell somebody properly and get some support but at what price to her?? Is she going to become responsible for keeping me alive? It's a big burden to put on somebody, especially a friend :(
  16. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I think it is good that you will be able to talk to your friend. I think that some people build a support network, which I think is a good idea.

    So maybe your support network could include her, a therapist, suicide hotline, this forum, and maybe some other people too. I think if you spread things around a little and not rely 100% on your friend, it would be managable. You could also ask her to set some of her own limits so that she can handle it. Maybe just ask her to tell you when she wants to take a break?
  17. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    You might want to try increasing or adjusting your medication. You might want to try a new therapy like electro-convulsive therapy.

    You could try alternative medicine like acupuncture and chinese herbal medicine.

    You could try getting a 1/2 hour a day of gentle aerobic exercise. You could try meditation, tai chi, yoga, or qi gong.

    Watching a bunch of really funny movies could help, though I think you have to be ready to want to do that.

    I also recommend this book
    "Curing Depression with Traditional Chinese Medicine"
    which you might be able to get from the library.
  18. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    why does she keep trying to contact you then?

    edit: I don't think you said she keeps trying to contact you, I may be getting confused with another post
  19. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    I know it sounds really horrible but I just haven't got the energy to do all of that...doing so much seems daunting :(

    Besides, no kind of therapy will stop the bad things from happening, they wont take back the things that have already happenend. I have blood on my hands, a long long time ago I saved somebody I should have left to die and that person then went on to devastate so many more lives. Therapy wont take that guilt away.

    I'm scared now, I'm scared about dying, the impact it will have on those who think they could have saved me. I am fighting some how to hold on but I really don't know for how much longer, only that it can be measured in days and hours rather than weeks and months. My urges to commit suicide are very impulsive, in the past I've battled them and only went througj with one attempt but the energy to fight is gone :(
  20. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    You saved someones life?! Ok, so why do you feel guilty? You are not responsible for other people's behaviour. If that person went on to do bad things then only they should feel guilty, not you. You are feeling false guilt. There is a really good self-help book called, Why Do I Feel Guilty When I've Done Nothing Wrong, by TY C.Colbert.
    Its not a huge book and its very easy to read.

    I'm glad you feel scared about dying, it would be a huge tragedy for you to end your life when clearly there is hope for you!!
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