I just don't know what to do. I don't...I just don't know anymore. I'm tired of feeling like this, of feeling like nothing is ever going to change. It's funny I can hide how I feel around others. I can smile on cue and talk. But inside I still feel so worn out and tired. I work 5 days a week the 3-11 shift. I have to to make ends meet and pay my bills. So it leaves me with no chance of trying to find stuff to do most days. My days off I can't get the energy to do anything. Plus now I have no freakin idea what I wanna do for fun. At work I deal with rumors about me- rumors that have been going around since I started there a year ago. It was hard starting there, I'm the youngest with my degree, was a newbie and quiet so everyone spread rumors and even after PROVING myself, I still hear them. It makes me wanna cry. Makes me wanna come home and either just sleep all the time or drink myself stupid. I don't have any friends here. They all left me when I graduated. I'm in pain all the time and my doctor says the only surgery is one I can't afford and it may disable me, so he wants to wait. And the neverending pain depresses me anymore since when I DO wanna do something I just stay home writhing with pain. I...I just don't know anymore. I feel like I'm in this never ending circle of pain and lonelyness. I try to pull myself out but I always come back to this damn circle. And I really don't know how much longer I can stay in this circle.