So Tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BK_Jetsfan, Nov 14, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    I know most of the people here have felt this way from time to time, so hopefully some or all of you can relate. But I'm really struggling to see what the point is of anything anymore. No matter how much psycho-babble we may listen to and want to believe, there is so very little in our lives that we actually control. Most of life is just reactionary. And it sucks.

    I'm tired of this. I don't know what the point is of my waking up anymore. No matter how hard I try to please people, to make them happy, it's never enough, nothing works. I get treated like such shit, or talked about as if I am this horrible person.

    And I guess I am. I am a monster. Or I have a monster in me. I try so hard to keep it supressed, but I guess it comes out, and people see it, and see how ugly I am, and then they're done with me.

    Death seems like the most logical thing to happen now. Because what the fuck else even matters? Why continue? Yeah, sure, there are moments of happiness or joy or contentment, but those moments are so heavily outweighed by the agony and bullshit and misery and pain. So why continue?
     
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Why continue?
    Well first of all because you are not a monster. I know that me saying that is going to make little difference to you feeling it - but you really aren't. If people treat you badly it is THEIR deficiency, not yours :hug:
    Why else?
    Because you love your children. I know that loving your children is part of what is causing you pain right now, probably a big part. I don't pretend to know how you feel - I don't. I do know that if you die now, you will never see them again. I know that isn't what you want. Whether it is currently from a distance or not, your children need you. They love you. You need to stay strong for them, and I know it hurts and it sucks that you should have to go through it, but you can't let that woman take you away from them.
    Why else?
    Because people care about you and where there is love there is hope. I understand that you don't feel it right now, and I understand that it is very very hard to see through the fog of the pain. The lights are dim and they are shrouded but they ARE there. There isn't just darkness ahead of you. There is light and love and you deserve it. :hug:
    Chat clearly isn't working but please keep talking... there are people here.
    xxx
     
  3. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    After a while, when shit keeps happening, and typically in the same pattern or fasion, I can't keep blaming everyone else. The only common factor is me, therefore, the problem is with me. I'm a worthless piece of shit. I get that. Hell, I accept it. But it doesn't dull the pain at all.

    My kids, I'll likely never see them again, dead or alive, so my death would be ultimately meaningless for them. They wont feel the effect. I'm pretty sure they'd never know or be told about it anyway.

    I try my best to find the light, but the glow is fading, and so am I. I'm just so fucking tired of ALWAYS feeling this way. Of loving but never being loved in return the way I want or need. I feel like everything I do is wrong and ultimately ends in failure. So, why fucking bother continuing.
     
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    When shit keeps happening, whether in the same pattern/fashion or not, it does not necessarily equate to it being your fault. (Dreadful sentence, sorry - bear with me) You are not a worthless piece of shit. Okay, I don't know you particularly well, but I have spoken to you enough to form an opinion on this. You are a kind, intelligent, compassionate and funny man. You are in no way worthless. You care for and about people who debateably may not deserve your care, you listen to people and support them, you reach out to others even at such time as your own pain is almost unbearable.
    I am genuinely sorry about the situation with your children - my heart aches for you - but please please do not give up on them or on yourself. Love is out there for you - it is. You deserve it and you will find it.
    xxxx
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.