So tiresome

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cult logic, Mar 11, 2009.

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  1. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    So I just got done with the worst birthday of my life.

    It's such a mix of anger, apathy, and suicidal urges.

    I don't know how I'm going to get through school tomorrow.

    I forgot the stuff to do my paper, but I just don't care.

    Nothing is right. I don't even have enough pills to OD.

    I'm so incredibly tempted to hurt myself right now.

    Though it's going to be messy.
  2. hecte

    hecte Active Member

    So what happened on your birthday to make the situation so much worse?
  3. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Sudden and severe drop in mood.

    Woke up. Felt like crap and ended up skipping school because I didn't have the will to go.

    I would've cut my wrists this morning but I took a ton of medicine and fell asleep.

    I'm so sick of going from good to bad.
  4. hecte

    hecte Active Member

    We all have ups and downs. I dont think anyone on the planet is steady or constantly at a happy level ya know. Its just how everything is. we Have to have rainy days aswell as sunny days. Its unfortunate that your birthday has been a rainy day in your view.

    I always liked that movie crocodile dundee. In it this lady asks him how old he is and he says "I really dont know" he says he doesnt know becasue he doesnt bother to keep track of time and doesnt bother with birthdays. Every year on my birthday im always like why is this day so important to me and why is it always fucked up ya know? I wish I could be more like dundee and not give a damn.

    anyway happy birthday
  5. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Except my problem is that I either feel great or suicidal.

    Shouldn't be too long before I feel great again, but this mood always comes back.

    I don't want to deal with it anymore.

    At any rate, if I get up early enough tomorrow I'm going to try it.

    I just pray it will work.
  6. hecte

    hecte Active Member

    yea thats how it works. I was the same way except I was mostly suicidal. Its hard to get through but it goes away eventually. its not permanant but your solution is.

    You dont want to try tomorrow for 3 reasons.

    1. You dont know if tomorrow is the last day of feeling suicidal. something might happen to make you feel great and keep you there untill whatever was making you feel suicidal goes away.

    2. Right now you are alive and aware of the fact that you want your bad feelings to go away. When you die you dont get a sense of release. It technically isnt a solution to getting rid of the bad feelings. You would feel 100% better if you toughed it out for a few days and sought solutions that will actually make you feel better.

    and 3. If you happen to fail youll feel 100% worse when you wake up. It isnt worth it trust me.

    My only advice is. Your bad feelings ARE TEMPORARY there is no way in hell they can last forever so logically its better to just wait it out for a bit and see what happens. If you still feel miserable then the time can be used to plan a more effective way to die am I right?
  7. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i think if u have these spikes of joy and sorrow then it should be awsome to see a doctor to balance that. Dont low your arms because you feel like crap now. Dont think because u feel bad now it cant get better, because it can :D take your pain away, let everything out here , or punch a pillow till u cant punch it anymore :D
  8. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

    I envy you. I wish i could feel joy or 'great' again. I've felt numb for so long, and the only time i don't feel numb i feel sad and feel sorry for myself.
  9. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Well, I just sliced my arm up on one the side opposite the artery.

    Didn't hurt very bad. Quite encouraging, I think I can do this.

    If I waited it out I know that I would feel better, but it would all repeat.

    The cycle wears down on you after a while. I need to take action while I still feel heavily suicidal.

    That way I never have to go through this evil cycle of happy/sad again.
  10. hecte

    hecte Active Member

    dude you still havent explained what has put you in this cycle. Yes the cycle is bad but I atleast want to know what started it for you. For me a long time ago it was a girl. its always been girls for me that make me feel like crap. What about you is it your family? Your job? a girl? or is it just yourself?
  11. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

    Why? why kill yourself if you at least can experience the highs. Please don't go through with it. I'm not asking for your sake i'm asking for mine. Because i don't feel the highs....there's nothing for me but the feeling you now feel.

    I'd give anything to feel just a fraction of what i once felt when i wasn't like this.

    There are ways to even out the balance, you won't need to feel like this.
  12. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I honestly can't tell you that.

    I have problems, but they are only insurmountable on my suicidal days.

    Probably has something to do with the very high risk of bipolar mania in my family.

    However, in the end it doesn't even matter.


    The highs are not worth experiencing the lows for me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 11, 2009
  13. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Hey bcs, are you still with us?

    Check in and let us know ok. You need to call 911 right away. There is help available. There is. You can get help. Don't do this. Remember, you have a whole life ahead of you. Good days and bad days for sure, but at least you can be around to see what happens. If you die.....then you will never know.

    And...think about the people here, your family, friends, associates who would be devasted by this.

    Please...if you are reading this, CALL 911 NOW!!!!! Get help, please!!!!
  14. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    For what? So I can be labeled a faker or attention seeker?

    I gave my mom a chance this morning, told her how I've been feeling.

    But apparently I'm a liar.

    So whatever.

    If she doesn't care I don't care.

    Spent last night planning for better efficiency. However I can't plan out courage.

    Now I have to wait until I get home to see if I can muster up the strength to actually try it.
  15. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    No one is going to think you are an attention seeker or faker. We have all been there.

    What people will think is that there is this person, who is crying out for someone to understand, someone to care, someone to help, ANYONE, please!

    You can get better. Remember, your mind isnt working properly at this moment. You can get better. Don't let the illness win. Think of how your Mom would really feel if you did this.

    What you should do is call 911 or the hospital or your doc or your mom or somebody that can help and tell them you are ACUTELY Suicidal.

    You can get better! And you will, the world needs you! We need you! Your Mom, and people you havent even met yet, but are destined to meet will need you.
  16. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Oh, but I would be. My family are all very sick people. That being said I hope of impacts by mom badly.

    Those people learn only through action.

    And you're right, I'm not in my right mind now.

    But this state always comes back. Even when I'm in the right state of mind I know that I need to do this.

    The only time I really feel good is when I'm practically manic.

    Even if I did "beat this" there is little point to living that I can see.

    Just want it to end, so I need to take advantage of this depressive state.
  17. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I remember it wasnt all that long ago when I felt that way. Little left to live for. I was in a place that I saw no way out of. I rationalized it, and determined that the worst was going to happen, and that I would have to choose between being homeless and alive or dead.

    But you know something, a solution presented itself. Something that I couldnt have even begun to imagine.

    Next week I may be back on the brink, but for now today, I am happier in knowing that I stuck it out. Had I not, I would have ended it on an error.

    Now....I try to enjoy the simple things in life right now. A good cheesburger, video games. Last night I forced myself to watch American Idol and I am glad I did. Adam was amazing.

    What I am trying to say, is that there are little things in life that are worth living for. You need to take baby steps right now.

    BTW...if you have any kind of faith in religion, perhaps you should pray. Turn it over to God. I mean, if you go thru with it, you will prolly end up meeting Him anyway. And He might want to know why you didnt ask Him for help.

    Couldnt hurt, at this point.
  18. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    My problems may be solved eventually, but I always create new ones.

    I have a tendecy to screw myself over at every given opportunity.

    Hell, I had the chance to be something. On standardized tests I scored in the top 99.7% of the country for math and science. I was being prospected and requested for elite schools as young as 4th grade, and asked to take the SATs in 6th.

    And yet here I sit barely getting by in average level classes. On top of it it's no one's fault bit my own.

    If I can have already screwed myself that badly how will I be competent enough to ever hold down a job or live on my own?

    Nipping the problem in the bud looks like the best course.

    Also, no I don't believe in god.
  19. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Well it sounds like you and I have something in common.

    Talk about screwing up....try this on for size.

    I was one of the top rate drummers back in high school for the entire state of Illinois.

    I received multiple scholarships and went to a prestigious university to get my music performance degree. A year and 1/2 into it, I dropped out to join a rock band. Which then fell flat on it's face.

    I then enlisted in the United States Marines. I was going to be a drummer for the President's own band.

    I screwed that up too. Couldnt pass swimming qualifications, and couldnt get past my fear of heights. So they sent me packing.

    I have had to file 3 bankrupcties in my life. And my biggest screw up was driving my soulmate away. The love of my life thru the past 20+ years is gone due to my alcoholism.

    So I know about screw ups. I will probably screw up something else again.

    But I hold 2 jobs, an apartment, a car, and even a cat. Couple of weeks ago I even bought an lcd tv, just for me.

    I may one day again be where you are, and I hope that you will be there to help me out. But for today, just for life is better.

    Live for today..don't project into the future the worst, because unless you can see into the future, well you will never know.

    Hang in there, and pm me if you need to talk more privately.

    I do care about you.
  20. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Well i've calmed down some.

    Can feel my mood starting to change back.

    Fucking waste of everyone's goddamn time.

    Shit. I should learn to keep my dumbass mouth shut.
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