So, today, a thought came to my head.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AsphyxiateOnMisery, Nov 14, 2011.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    A pleasant, innocent thought. My mind, however, twisted said thought into a sick and awful one.

    The weather outside today was exceptionally warm for the middle of November. And I thought it would be nice to go for a walk in the park, being that it could very well be my last chance to do so until next spring when the weather warms up again. Then I realized that I had absolutely no energy or willpower to go to the park anyway because I felt awful and miserable. I was still feeling suicidal and contemplating it in my going to park was kind of a no-go.

    So, I ended up getting high to try to mask my feelings. I shot heroin. That's pretty pathetic, huh? Having to do drugs just to be able to enjoy something that most people enjoy without drugs?

    At one point, I was crying hysterically over the fact that I couldn't find a vain and just desperately wanted the misery to go away. When I finally did, I felt calmer and able to function without thinking of suicide. However, I ended up not going to the park anyway.

    And that was my day.

    Unlike my husband, I am able to not use H for long periods of time after I relapse. His addiction is a lot worse. However, it does have me by the balls at times. I was a couple months clean before this, and I fucked that up.

    Also, my only lifeline at the moment is the promise I made to my husband that I would not attempt to kill myself for a week.

    I am a waste of space.
  2. lostinca

    lostinca Well-Known Member

    Sweetie you are not a waste of space. Please be careful with the heroin I havent tried it because I am too afraid of how much I would like it, although I have considered trying to get enough and overdosing but for some reason I just cant do that to the few people that would care if I wasnt here.
    Pm me please if you want to talk,
  3. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I've considered that too. My husband and my two ferrets are the only things I have in my life that stop me.

    I love my mother, and don't want to hurt her either, but the things she does sometimes hurt me really badly, so I'd still do it if I didn't have my husband. And my dad, well...I love him too but I haven't seen him in 7-8 years.

    And my ferrets are so sweet and adorable and loving. Leaving them alone would make me a terrible person. They'd wonder what the heck they've done wrong for their owner to abandon them like that. I just wish they could somehow know that the answer to that would be nothing, and that I'm just really sick.

    As for the heroin, take it from me, don't try it. Once you do, there's no going back. It will be the first time, but it won't be the last.
  4. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    hey angels, dont worry you're not a waste of space. but the drugs are just the easy way out. i wish you had gone to the park, i can totally relate about the not going out because of a lack of energy but if you get over the threshold and just walk to the park and when you get there you can go back and when you go home you feel better because of the dopamine and all other nice natural chemicals. its like drugs that are good for you. i hope this relapse wont mean that you use it often gain. if you have some in the house and its yours id recommend flushing it so you dont get in the temptation. be strong
  5. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately opiates fried my brain to the point that I hardly feel any natural "happy" chemicals anymore. But no, I don't have any more heroin on me. Husband and I are trying to make a pact to not use for a month. For me, that's not too extremely difficult of a goal. But for him it's a little tougher cause he's been doing it every single day almost. But we're going to NA together now and we're going to try to make that 1 month mark.
  6. Special-Agent-Gibbs

    Special-Agent-Gibbs Safety and Support SF Pro SF Supporter


    I am sorry that you are feeling so depressed right now. You are not pathetic you just don't know how to deal with your emotions in positive way. When you feel suicidal I would always recommend that you call a Hotline (if you need a list of hotlines feel free to PM me and I will send them to you)

    I hope that you are okay. Please know you can PM me anytime you need to talk!
  7. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    If there was a positive way that worked as well as heroin, I would most certainly try it.

    Hotlines aren't for me though. I have social anxiety and I'm afraid of talking on the phone to most people.
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