A pleasant, innocent thought. My mind, however, twisted said thought into a sick and awful one. The weather outside today was exceptionally warm for the middle of November. And I thought it would be nice to go for a walk in the park, being that it could very well be my last chance to do so until next spring when the weather warms up again. Then I realized that I had absolutely no energy or willpower to go to the park anyway because I felt awful and miserable. I was still feeling suicidal and contemplating it in my head...so going to park was kind of a no-go. So, I ended up getting high to try to mask my feelings. I shot heroin. That's pretty pathetic, huh? Having to do drugs just to be able to enjoy something that most people enjoy without drugs? At one point, I was crying hysterically over the fact that I couldn't find a vain and just desperately wanted the misery to go away. When I finally did, I felt calmer and able to function without thinking of suicide. However, I ended up not going to the park anyway. And that was my day. Unlike my husband, I am able to not use H for long periods of time after I relapse. His addiction is a lot worse. However, it does have me by the balls at times. I was a couple months clean before this, and I fucked that up. Also, my only lifeline at the moment is the promise I made to my husband that I would not attempt to kill myself for a week. I am a waste of space.