I hope you're still with us and reading. Please don't do this. You mentioned your nan and mother's day. I am not a nan, but I am a mother and I can tell you that no matter what you are feeling and how much it causes pain to those you love, if you do this thing, your mother will be utterly and completely devastated. It will absolutely rip apart her heart and wrack her with a grief that never completely goes away. I have three children and I cannot even begin to imagine the pain I would feel if one of them did this. Frankly, I don't want to think about it because it hurts too much. I don't say this to make you feel bad, but to hopefully get you to see at least in a small way, how much it would hurt those you leave behind.
If you haven't done it already, please, please, please call a trusted friend or your doctor or therapist or get yourself to your local A&E and talk to someone about all of this. Life has SO much more to offer you than just pain. That is a lie that the suicidal thoughts in our heads tell us. Those thoughts tell us lots of lies and we are susceptible to those lies because life hurts so much, but they are still lies and we need not believe them. The easiest way to see those lies for what they truly are is to talk about the pain. When you start talking about it, believe it or not, it does help lessen it. It may take some time, but it really does help. Please take good care of yourself, sweetie and get some help. I know you can do it! ((((((hugs)))))))
~Ana