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The last 5 months i have been suffering with depression. It started when my boyfriend of 3 years tried to kill himself twice in the space of 3 weeks and as a result social services were contacted and my son was placed in my mums care. Since I had to let my son stay with my mum I became depressed, I don't get on well with my mum it was really difficult. I started to pull my hair out and hit myself. My son is back in my care now but the social keep coming round, and it is still getting to me. My boyfriend and I argue and he always tells me I'm worthless and ugly and im a bad mum, I have no self confidence so i believe him, I feel i can't even talk to a doctor because i might lose my son. I have contemplated suicide so many times and now I feel like going to the nearest lake and just walking in. I don't want to leave my son, but how can I be a good mum if all i want to do is die?
If I were you I would put some distance between you and your boyfriend, at least for a moment, so that you can:

Take care of your son properly. He's much more important than your boyfriend. Seriously.

Not get constantly nagged by your boyfriend. What he says is probably not that relevant or correct anyway.

Get time to think over your situation. Don't ask your boyfriend about his opinions about that. You already know what he thinks.

Take a trip with your son (not knowing how old he is) and see new sights and get new impressions.

Contemplate going to CBT.

I've just started going to CBT, and the jury is still out on whether it will be of any help to me, but at least I've started thinking about a possible non-fatal future again.


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Please do not walk into a lake…you do not really want to leave your son behind…you just want to get your life situation straightened out…

Apparently your boyfriend is not clear in his mind now. So don’t listen to him as he does not even know what he is saying. If he makes you feel the way you feel now, it’s probably a good idea to stay away from him for a while. Your being together with him does not help either of you. You need to be able to live first before you can help your son or your boyfriend…

I don’t know what the actual situation is between you and your mom. Maybe your mom loves you in a way that you cannot agree or appreciate, but if you cannot live on your own for now, is it possible to compromise a little and live with your mom for a while? After all, she is your mom. You may feel different after a while…especially when your son grows up a little and you become more independent. Of course, if you already can be independent, it’s more simple to just move out on your own with your son…

Who knows, your boyfriend may work out his own issues as well somehow. You may regain his respect if his mind gets clear while you are stronger and have self-respect…and for the love of your son together…

You know you love your son very much and your son simply needs your love and care…

Take one step at a time. You can work things out. The situation will change. How you think and feel will also change…be strong...

Please hang in there…
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