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So very close to the end of my rope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Torch711, Dec 21, 2009.

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  1. Torch711

    Torch711 New Member

    Hello all this is my first time posting here,

    Ever since 1995 I have felt suicidal. At first it was because I was raped when I was 9 on my birthday and my folks didn't believe me and wouldn't file a police report.Then in 2005 my parents ruined my credit rating by taking out a card in my name which was supposed to BUILD my credit and they refused to continue paying for my college. Since then I been working odd jiobs to get by. I became a raging alcoholic before I turned 21, Before I drank because it was fun now I drunk to tune out to the world. I always felt like I let my family down. Every relationship I tried would fail. I moved to maryland from ohio with an old friend hoping for a new life. Well they got verbally abusive and seem to go out of their way to make me feel like shit. I recently found out on that I must move out on christmas day with no clue as to wear I am going to move to. Two weeks ago a girl I have loved for a few months tried to kill herself by <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. She made me promise not to tell people her plans. Well I called her best friend and luckily I saved this girls life. But then for a week she refused to talk to me saying I broke her trust. Since I felt I hurt the one girl I ever cared about I took a brand new razor and broke it with a screw driver. I then took one of the blades and proceeded to slash the back of my left hand. My friends dad is a triage dr and when he saw my hand I was told it would take a plastic surgeon to not have deep trench like scars on it.It was so comforting watching copious amounts of bloods just ooze down my arm. In the past I never did anything like this and now it just seems right. I am debating taking my girls idea of <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. I doubt my family and friends will miss me. They seem they have all turned against me. Ever since my family got divorced when i was a senior in high school they just seem to look out for themselves. I have been trying to make a new life for myself by attempting to enlist into the US navy bui a year ago I got a dui and the medical clearance that was supposed to happen in 72 hrs has now brought me to week 10 so I have about given up on that. At this point in my life suicide seems like my only release. I already have written letters to family and stored them somewhere safe where they would only be found upon my death. I know I need help. Just last weekend I tried to <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>and got sick and threw them up and it made me just want to cut to the chase and <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. I know I need real help but I lack medical insuarance so I can't get it.Silly as this will sound the only thing that brings me any form of comfort any more is sleeping with a teddy bear someone suggested I buy (yes I know I a 22 yr old guy sleeping with a bear how silly). From the second I wake up till the second i pass out I am unable to find a single comforting thought and everything just compounds. Oh come to me sweet death

    (sorry if this is rambling)
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 21, 2009
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN


    I had to edit your post to remove the methods.

    I'm so sorry for what you're having to deal with. You did the right thing when you told someone and saved that girl's life. I know she was angry with you, but at least she's alive! And hopefully someday, she'll realize why you did it and see that you were right.

    My PM box is always open if you want to talk.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    First thank you for sharing that. It must of took a lot of courage to post your pain so honestly. You should be proud of yourself for being able to do something so many cant.

    I'm really sorry to hear all that you have been through. And it really hurts when it comes from those we love and trust.

    Put you're here. A place where you are no longer alone with your pain. A place where you can talk openly about all that is hurting you. A place where you can look for undertanding support about your suicidal feelings and thoughts. So please keep posting. Keep letting it out. For me knowing that someone else knows how hard I'm fighting makes it seem a little worth the effort.

    And as for the teddy bear..... not silly. Comfort is comfort. If it helps then use it all you can. I'm 45 and still need a piece of satin to rub in my hand. It helps so I dont think of it as silly. Silly is how crazy I get if I cant find the piece of satin (lol).

    Welcome to SF. I hope that you find the support you're looking for. Keep hanging on and give the place a chance to help. Here if you want to talk.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

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