So very tired of being watched and restrained

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by inkspring, May 8, 2009.

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  1. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    I am agitated today--down but with energy and very miserable.

    My hubby doesn't want to let me drive--wants to take me everywhere.
    He's my Pdocs eyes between visits. He and Pdoc monitor me so I feel like I'm under a microscope. I know what it feels like to be an animal in a zoo.

    I am so tired but wired. I feel anger welling up inside and when I get angry it isn't good. I don't throw a tantrum but my thoughts get dark and I'll hit doorframes or countertop just to help ease the tension (where hubby can't hear.

    I think I'm going to try to go for walks in the morning starting tomorrow--I just hope he'll let me go alone--I need alone time. I haven't had time alone in almost 3 months! Do you know what that feels like?! I've always needed the occasional day alone like humans need air.

    I feel locked up, fenced in, under observation--it's driving me CRAZY! :eek: :wacko:

    I told my hubby that I was disappointed today at not having time alone while he was out--no response except "Well you seemed to enjoy the company while out for dinner."

    Of course--#1 dinner out with our best friends is a positive distraction.
    #2 of course any negative feelings are going to be stuffed as far
    down inside as I can manage.
    Unfortunately, it's hard to continually stuff them at home day after day, month after month. Nobody seems to understand what Bipolar does to a person's mind, emotions and body.

    Sorry for the rant but I'm about to cry & I rarely cry. I just don't know what to do or where to turn anymore. I feel so tired and hopeless but I've got negative energy too. They say people who are crazy don't know it. I don't think that's my problem, but you see, that's just it. Maybe hubby thinks so?

    Ugh...enough!
     
  2. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Well your husband obviously cares a lot about you. He may seem annoying with the observation but it's because he cares.
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You're so right, people dont understand bipolar and what it does to us emotionally and physically. I know how tough it is when you dont get some "me" time and that you never feel like a real person. That the dark thoughts can take over so quickly especially when you are stressed and tired out.

    I dont think your husband realizes just how much his good intentions are backing firing. And that is exactly what I think they are... good intentions. But I dont think he understands your needs and wants. Your pdoc may of asked him to keep an eye on you, keep you safe. But I'm sure he never thought to tell your husband that you are still a human being and that you need time and space just the same as anyone else. I think he worries about you and this is the one thing he knows he can do to help you. To protect you.

    But you need to sit him down and patiently explain that his actions albeit meant with good intention and love are drowning you. You are not a child that needs constant care. You are a mature adult that can take care of yourself with a little help from him. Then tell him you are taking the morning walks. By yourself. Maybe to reassure him you could tell him your planned route and roughly what time you will return.

    Do you talk to your husband when you are feeling low and even high for that matter? If you arent maybe that is another reason that he is so protective. He uses this as a way to be around you and know what your are feeling.

    Hun no matter what his reasons I think he means well. And I think you really need some alone time. So sit him doen and explain that to him. Tell him how always being watched and protected adds to your stress and swings. He does mean only good by you I'm sure. He doenst think you are crazy but I think he may think your bipolar has made you confused and that he is supporting you by protecting you. If you reassure him that you are capable of taking care of yourself and show him that you will return safely and more content, I think you will find him backing off a little more. Talk to him?
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you are feeling this way..was there an event which set off your husband's watch??? is there a way to set limits (e.g. I am going to the store and coming home...will call when I get there) as long as you are safe...is there a friend you can tell how you are REALLY feeling??? if not, that is what we are here for...post and let us know how you are doing...hope the rest of the day is better...big hugs, J
     
  5. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    Thank you everyone for your kind advice. Sitting him down and explaining again may drive this issue home this time. I'll ask him if he has any questions too. Thank you--that's a good idea.

    Taking a walk every morning should help me burn off adrenaline from the highs and lift my spirit when I'm low. I don't think he will like me going alone. We used to do it together almost every evening. But I think it is a great idea. Thanks for that.

    Okay. I've got my homework cut out for me.

    Thanks again,
    inkspring
     
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