I am agitated today--down but with energy and very miserable. My hubby doesn't want to let me drive--wants to take me everywhere. He's my Pdocs eyes between visits. He and Pdoc monitor me so I feel like I'm under a microscope. I know what it feels like to be an animal in a zoo. I am so tired but wired. I feel anger welling up inside and when I get angry it isn't good. I don't throw a tantrum but my thoughts get dark and I'll hit doorframes or countertop just to help ease the tension (where hubby can't hear. I think I'm going to try to go for walks in the morning starting tomorrow--I just hope he'll let me go alone--I need alone time. I haven't had time alone in almost 3 months! Do you know what that feels like?! I've always needed the occasional day alone like humans need air. I feel locked up, fenced in, under observation--it's driving me CRAZY! :wacko: I told my hubby that I was disappointed today at not having time alone while he was out--no response except "Well you seemed to enjoy the company while out for dinner." Of course--#1 dinner out with our best friends is a positive distraction. #2 of course any negative feelings are going to be stuffed as far down inside as I can manage. Unfortunately, it's hard to continually stuff them at home day after day, month after month. Nobody seems to understand what Bipolar does to a person's mind, emotions and body. Sorry for the rant but I'm about to cry & I rarely cry. I just don't know what to do or where to turn anymore. I feel so tired and hopeless but I've got negative energy too. They say people who are crazy don't know it. I don't think that's my problem, but you see, that's just it. Maybe hubby thinks so? Ugh...enough!