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So, where now...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Oni, Feb 25, 2009.

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  1. Oni

    Oni Active Member

    I'm quite new here and instead of just reading a huge amount of threads by anyone I just start my own firsthand. I'll read and eventually comment and help other around, if possible.

    Where to start;

    - I have a gf for about the last 9 years, however, it seems that given my and her age (I'm 26, she's 30) we should really "grown up". Having steady jobs, living together and whatnot. Now, I don't feel like doing that anytime soon. Heck, I even might attend college when the new year starts, spending at least 4 years there. She finally graduated university and I'm... pretty much lacking any general interest in most fields, I just don't care, hence I spend a decent amount in college just to end it all after the first year. I got pretty much got fired at my previous job because I was overqualified without any decent papers. So now I'm looking for a new job, found one, but after just one day I'm like... I'm having a nervous breakdown. So the foreseeable future is quite dark IMO. At least, when thinking about my relationship and a general look in life and the working culture. Pretty much each discussion I have with her ends up in somekind of emotional blackmail... "well, what do you want me to do? What about us and our future? etc."

    - I still feel I have troubles with conforming to modern societies standards. When I tied the knot to decide and get a job I donned most of my "extreme looks", as piercings, and the occaisonal "goth look" might not really might get you into jobs. Hence, I thought it over and tried to get over it. About 2 years later, I still feel like I'm caged.

    - With current events I have a hard time getting anything done. I sleep too much, spend little time on things I used to love. And thus ending up wasting time, just trying to cope with... well, just being...

    - I'm not that much of a social person, thus my group of friends is limited. If I like to talk with friends, I'd like a good conversation, not something like... oh, we're just hanging out. Talk to me about music composition, about synthesis-theory, about heck... talk to me the universe in 11 dimensions as pointed out by Hawkings. Sure I do have a group of people I can talk to, just seen them once, and probably be just seeing them once a month in the regional, monthly meeting of Mensans, as I'm a member of Mensa. Now, just to add to that, that as it seems those people are really bright, even they didn't understand what I was talking about when I popped up a discussion about the Singularity-theory... so hence, a small friends group... 2 people, one of which is my gf and the other, well... I don't consider him that much of a friend anymore as he proved to be not reliable at all for the X-th time.

    At this time I'm visiting a psychotherapist of sorts, just to point out my plethora of problems, however, it seems it just costs me a hefty amount of cash and I'm getting none of it back. Sure, it's nice to talk to someone about my problems, but if even that person cannot be constructive at times I need someone... then yes, I think I have a personal crisis.

    The only thing that pretty much came to conclusion with the therapist was that it seemed I had a high standard on things I want. I either want something to be perfect, otherwise I just don't care. I need things to devote my life too, not a couple of things just done halfway... hence, I get pissed easily at people whom don't take their job extremly serious...

    Yeah, I might be a drama queen, but it's still mr. drama queen to you. If you're still reading by now, I hope I didn't scare anyone off by giving the impression I have extreme standards... but it seems a completly uncontrollable thing that sets me off more every day...
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to SF Mr. Drama Queen (lol).
    Well cant promise you any extremely intelligent conversations about theories and the universe ( might want to hook up with Abacus 21 on that lol). But I'm willing to listen if you want to talk further about the things that have brought you here. Sounds like you have some mental health issues that you may want to talk to your doctor about. And yeah the therapist is good too. But here you can connect with people that really understand what you are struggling with cuz many have or are dealing with them first hand too. Keep posting, just like talking to your RL friends, it helps to get it out and know that someone else has atleast acknowledged you and your feelings and thoughts. PM anytime.
  3. Oni

    Oni Active Member


    I'm not expecting any intelligent of the bat discussions about some stuff I read about. And probably I'm not looking for those people directly... the thing just is, I have my interests, and even at this age, I can't seem to blend in with "normal" people... I really do not care about stuff people my age talk about. All I know is I feel somewhat like crap...somewhat lonely, lost and misunderstood. If anyone should be aware of that, I really appreciate you people on SF here are... but actually, the one that should be is my gf or heck, even other "friends". But so it seems they have things on their mind and I'm not one of them.

    As for mental issues, I went to see a doctor when I was at my previous job and I told him I thought I was getting a burn-out, I wasn't feeling great, I really had a hard time just doing my job, and mainly it was because of my job. It was no challenge... the only challenge it had for me, is to cope with it as long as I could.. and I don't know if that's a challenge I'd be proud of to overcome... so he hooked me up with a note and told me to go visit a psychotherapist, which I did. So now I'm visiting her once a month, we talk about a lot of stuff, but it seems mainly we talk about my gf.. and like I wrote in my first post, I do think I have a hard time of just breaking up, because we've been together for like, 9 years and I don't have any other people I can turn to at all. And internetforums don't really make that same cut.

    So mental issues, yes... I do make a problem out of stuff people wouldn't even consider. But one what condition should I ask my doctor to prescribe meds or treatment? Being a perfectionist? Not being happy with not getting what I want? And then what... what treatment, a treatment that makes me, well.. less me? Yes, I am an annoying son of a ***** at times, but that's just me, that's how I came to be in the past 26 years. I find myself in a spot where I can learn, understand and do things, past levels people can't even start to understand, it's a waste to throw that away, hence I didn't put a serious end to it all yet. And yes, it's also a waste of time to even start something I don't finish because of todays standards... I feel misplaced in this world, somehow I keep hoping my time will come, but even the wait for it gets rather anoying... like the first day at your new job. First day, time flies.. second day, you're watching the clock each hour and 3rd day.. .you know 3rd day...
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey, i'm glad you are here - i am glad you are reaching out. each of us here have problems to solve in our personal lives - some of them amazingly huge. you may find some answers here, you may find some ideas on how to create the life that you want - and i am sure you will find support, and really caring people. pm if you want to talk - or find someone with a point of view (by reading posts) that 'clicks' with your own, and pm them.

    i care about you - and i hope you find what you want. :hug:
  5. Oni

    Oni Active Member

    Well,thanks... I guess :) I think everyone has personal issues, not only on SF. But it seems that the magnitude and way of coping is what brings some of us here.

    I would sure hope people would care here on SF. I do sound cynical when I find it hard to believe people care for me already... the people on here don't really know me. Yet, reading some threads by other users it, I feel like were all in the same boat. Remembers me of Lost, the series I'm now watching... everyone has their backstory, yet they're all on their own as a group.

    To expand a bit more on your post mdme, I do have some idea on how I'd like to have my life and how much people on here can support it, real life is still quite different. I do have plans to attend university in about 7 months again, after a 2 year break, however, seeing that my longtime relationship rather wants to live together, want me to get a decent job and whatnot... I'm not all for that and at the moment I'm not into talking to her about it. So hence, I do have a little dilemma on my hands which pretty much drives me insane. So if anyone has any good and valid arguments that could bring a sane person to understand that it takes two to tango (and then to think I thought that quote alone was comprehensible for any sane man)... I'd be more than willing to hear any advice.
  6. Oni

    Oni Active Member

    I somehow feel like spamming, but in any hope to make sure my thread doesn't bleed out...

    It's been about 2 days now, that I've been here. Posted a couple of things; one being a welcoming thread, another one which was about "older guys" (sorry, didn't mean to insult any of you) talking about their life going downhill. And yes, I posted on a thread about borderline... I might just have a healthy case of it.

    I can relate to all of it somehow. However in recent events, and not just since I'm on here, figured out things about me and pretty much got some plans made. So hence I might put in my own thread, approriatly named "So.. where now?"

    It just takes about 7 more months to get over, and hopefully I'm back in school by then. Hopefully I might survive until them.. survive my job or the lack thereof, try and spend as much time on things I want to do. As for a future outlook; I might attend university for either a cultural study or for a sound designer... both would require me to take an entry exam, but I think I can manage, even with current problems. At least I have a goal. In retrospect I once told myself to get a record of some sorts done by the time I hit 25... and I had about 10 more months then, didn't succeed in that... so yes, questioning my own motivation at times. I also figured out that for some stuff to succeed, I need people that are supportive, not just supportive in a "you can do it" kinda way but in a "I'll be part of it" kinda way... which would require at least a mate which has an equal interest in music for example. Other future plans of mine are to publish a book once, get my name around...

    So, when checking this forum, no.. it's not like I do want to die, I just have a hard time coping with stuff which puts me on the verge of...

    To just put it any other way... I do have future plans, a perspective and what not... the wait, the time... it's killing me... 60 seconds at a time. So hence, if I might one day feel like utter crap... yes I might pass out of existence.
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