so yeah, help me please.

[kiasuten]

I just e-mailed The Samaritans becasue i googled suicide (yes, it's that bad) and I also ended up here. This is what I sent to the Samaritans:

"I’ve been having a rough time lately. I’m 17 and a high school senior. All of the pressures of school and the extra work that I’m doing seems to be pushing me further and further into a sadness that I can’t pull myself back out of.

It started in 2002, in 8th grade, when my mom was getting separated and divorced. It was a bad divorce, really traumatic for her and my step-dad, and my brothers and I were involved. We got kicked out, moved into a homeless shelter for 3 months, and even got kicked out of there when school started. My mom was really depressed, and I was really mad at her for not worrying about her kids, but more worried about revenge on her ex-husband.

I started to feel really sad because social services took me and my brothers from my mom. My youngest brother lived with my mom’s ex-husband, who is his dad, and me and my other brother went to live with our dad’s parents. They were nice people, but it seems that now that they could rub it in my mom’s face that she lost custody of us, they’re really mean.

I’m not treated fairly at all. I get good grades, I’m do a lot of extra things at school so that I can be better than my parents were. I do chores at home, but they always complain. My brother and my dad torment and instigate me, and the people that I call my friends are busy enough already, so imagine if I dropped my problems on them.

I love my boyfriend.

But I tried to kill myself in 8th grade, when all the problems started. I overdosed on whatever meds I could find and I stabbed myself in the wrist. I don’t remember much, just that I was feeling really low… I would go to sleep early in the afternoon, wake up late, eat, and go right back to sleep. I stayed home from school a lot because my mom had post-partum depression after having my baby brother. I took care of him, and it made me tired and now I resent her for all of this.

Ever since then, she’s told me that it’s just a little while longer that I’ll be here, but I stopped believing her because now, she doesn’t even call everyday. She’s stopped caring, so I’ve stopped wanting her to care. I have my life, and I have a person who cares about me a lot, and I don’t want to disappoint him,

We’ve become serious, although we’re only 17. I come from a really screwed up family, and he understands that. He’s by my side in whatever I do, and I feel like I don’t do anything to repay him for that.

I think about suicide a lot. I’ll never do it, though-- I promised him that I wouldn’t. I take the promises that I make with him very seriously, because he does, and to disappoint him would be devastating to me. I just need to get all of this off my chest to somebody before I go crazy.

I cry a lot… it’s part of the reason that I am/was considering suicide; I make my boyfriend really sad when he sees me cry. But I can’t help it! It’s something that I can’t change right now…. I can’t take anti-depressants because I’m not allowed to make doctor’s appointments, and I can’t go by myself until I’m 18. I want help but I just can’t get it from anyone. No one seems to care enough to help me.. And my boyfriend seems to think that I can just change it, all on my own, like it’s all in my head.

I love him to much for him to let me go. I really need him. If I thought I felt lonely before I met him, I don't know if I could handle the loneliness I would feel after he let me go...

I don’t want to go crazy… I feel like all the pressures of school, my messed up family, and worrying about making mistakes are going to kill me, or I’ll end up killing myself.

But I won’t. And I need you to reassure me of that, because I’m doubting myself. Thanks for listening, and if you have anything to say, I’d really appreciate it because I’m dying for some proverbs or quotes or for some guiding words because I’m dying here."

I don't know what else to say, but I'll probably think of it later. I just know how close I can come to this, and I don't want to do something that I'll regret. My boyfriend doesn't understand that this is something that I can't control... he just wants to believe that I can change it whenever, but it's not like that.

Please help me.

 

[iQuit]

Don't do it! Your boyfriend has been watching too much Dr.Phil!

 

[kiasuten]

Hah, he doesn't watch Dr. Phil. He just has this specific and stubborn belief that the mind is the most powerful thing that a person could use... and that it can overcome anything if it's used correctly. I mostly believe this, but it's hard to agree with it completely when I'm battling this sadness.

I just.. cry a lot. And he feels guilty, which in turn makes me feel guilty.. like, for instance, I'm crying now as I type this. If I tell him tomorrow that I was crying, he'll get upset (not mad, but disappointed), and to see him disappointed kills me, which, in turn, kills him.

Dammit nothing works out for me. This really sucks. I see no good coming out of this unless either my life ends or the problem ends. And my life isn't looking to good right about now.

And I noticed now that I make jokes when I'm worried about something... I just feel so damn pressured all the time.

 

[allofme]

just want to offer you some support... and to tell you that yes .. the mind is a powerful organ... and if it is diredting you in the right direction you will be headed strongly in the right derection

however if your mind has a bit of a kink in it and isstrongly leading you to an alternate destination going to a doctor may b exactly what you need...

i am not sure you cant make an appointment without an adult .. have you spoken to a school counselor... that could be exactly what you need to get the ball rolling...

do you think you can find any "stress releiving" activities for now.. and maybe get your boy friend a few internet sites on depression that will remind him that depression can not be willed away...

if that were true none of us would have it...

hugs and hopes

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Wow you have been through a lot.

Don't listen to your boyfriend. People who say that you can control your feelings of depression and suicide have never felt them once in their life. They cannot sympahtize with a feeling that they cannot comphrend. But you can let him to his delusions that is probably the safest thing to do.

The thing that seems to be making you depressed is your current enviroment. You need to get out. I am sure that you will feel better once you do. We all repsond to negativity and hatrad, even if just subtly. Once you are away in a new environment you should be free from that negativity and hatrad.

So just run and don't look back. I believe that you need to do this above all else. However, it might mean leaving your current boyfriend for a time.

From there it is your choice what to do. You can be like me and paranoid of the world around you... or you can be a normal person and socialize... it is up to your from there.

 

[Darken]

Hey its your moms fault not yours. Your smart,mature and responsible, and have a boyfriend. Because of your bad family life you shouldnt give up. You have no control over that. You can have a decent life, dont let past problems hold you back. You should get counseling they will help you.