Man this feels akward. I don't know any of you and here I am pouring more of my heart out to you guys than my fiance. I just can't anymore. It's all just me looking for attention. That's all I ever get when I tried to tell people. I know I could tell my fiance, but I can't make myself. To watch him in that much pain knowing that I want to kill myself. How can I explain to him that it has nothing to with him, that my mind is just a little crazy right now? I know that unless something really bad happens that I won't actually go through with it because of him, but he doesn't know that. I have tried twice before and would have succeed if my friends hadn't found me. It just hurts. I can't die, but I don't really want to live either. I guess I'll just have to go for zombie... It's just so confusing. I don't have any reason to be feeling like this, but I can't shake it. I there are reasons that I could be feeling this way and, but they're supposed to be "under control" and for the most part I feel they are. At the same time... I just feel like I am going to explode. I can't talk to anyone that I really trust, I can't take it out on myself, and no one seems to realize how bad it really is. I know I don't help that perception by blowing off the concerned comments I get sometimes. I know a lot of it comes from internalizing what my ex said about me, and the fact that I am way overly rational to the point where I don't even know what to do with emotions when they smack me upside the head, and then it gets bad. I guess thats where I am now. Sorry for the conscious stream of thought style. I am not so good with the whole expressing myself thing.