So, yeah

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bria, Sep 3, 2007.

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  1. bria

    bria Well-Known Member

    Man this feels akward. I don't know any of you and here I am pouring more of my heart out to you guys than my fiance. I just can't anymore. It's all just me looking for attention. That's all I ever get when I tried to tell people. I know I could tell my fiance, but I can't make myself. To watch him in that much pain knowing that I want to kill myself. How can I explain to him that it has nothing to with him, that my mind is just a little crazy right now? I know that unless something really bad happens that I won't actually go through with it because of him, but he doesn't know that. I have tried twice before and would have succeed if my friends hadn't found me. It just hurts. I can't die, but I don't really want to live either. I guess I'll just have to go for zombie... It's just so confusing. I don't have any reason to be feeling like this, but I can't shake it. I there are reasons that I could be feeling this way and, but they're supposed to be "under control" and for the most part I feel they are. At the same time... I just feel like I am going to explode. I can't talk to anyone that I really trust, I can't take it out on myself, and no one seems to realize how bad it really is. I know I don't help that perception by blowing off the concerned comments I get sometimes. I know a lot of it comes from internalizing what my ex said about me, and the fact that I am way overly rational to the point where I don't even know what to do with emotions when they smack me upside the head, and then it gets bad. I guess thats where I am now. Sorry for the conscious stream of thought style. I am not so good with the whole expressing myself thing.
     
  2. Nosmanic

    Nosmanic Active Member

    I know how you can't tell the ppl you know. For me it doesn't seem to help there nothing they can do. I hate it. I know when you want to kill yourself. You really are as alone as it gets.

    The only thing you can do is try to talk to strangers. Who was it that said that "the best ppl to talk to about problems was strangers" doesn't matter its true
     
  3. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Trust me. The longer you do not tell him, the more distance you will feel from him and it will become an insurmountable wall that you cannot break through. Try writing it down...exactly the way you want to say it so that he does not get the wrong idea. He deserves to know what you are feeling because he is your partner and you owe it to him to give him the opportunity to help you. It is so difficult, but once you do it, you will most likely be surprised at how much he supports you. And if he doesn't, then he doesn't deserve you anyway. At first, he may react badly because he may not understand...so don't go based upon his first reaction necessarily. Give him time to assimilate the information and you will most likely be pleasantly surprised by his reaction. I find in these cases that writing a letter is the best way to go.
     
  4. bria

    bria Well-Known Member

    Thanks, peanut for the comments. I know I need to talk to him; I guess I just kind of need a kick in the rump. It is so frustrating to think you are finally over the worst and then sink lower than before and feel like you can't tell anyone.
     
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean. The whole thing just becomes such a beast and the longer you go without saying anything, the worse it gets. Maybe if you just blurt it out? I know this might not be the best way to go :) but you wouldn't be able to take it back afterward...might be like ripping off a band-aid? It will be painful to say, but I know from experience that once you tell him, you will feel SOOOO much better. It may even help with some of your suicidal feelings.
     
  6. bria

    bria Well-Known Member

    Yeah, blunt is probably is the way to go. He is a little oblivious to anything that doesn't involve hitting him over the head with a 2 x 4 - metaphorically only, I promise I don't really hit him :biggrin:
     
  7. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Heehee! Shocking that a man can be so oblivious isn't it? :tongue:
     
  8. bria

    bria Well-Known Member

    Just a bit. I am sitting next to him typing this and he still has no clue...
     
  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Wow...that really takes it to a whole new level! Maybe you could just leave it out for him to find? Then you wouldn't have to "say" anything.
     
  10. bria

    bria Well-Known Member

    Somehow, I feel like that is cheating, but I might still resort to it.
     
  11. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    It may be cheating just a little, but it is definitely better than not telling him at all, I think. Besides, once the cat is out of the bag, you can always tell him afterwards that you left it out on purpose.
     
  12. bria

    bria Well-Known Member

    So, he knows now. He took it better than I thought, but still wants to ship me of to non-campus shrinks, which is a problem because my parents won't let me use my insurance without their blessing, and this won't get it. Oh well, it'll work itself out eventually. Thanks, for your help, peanut.
     
  13. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    :hug: Good for you sweetheart! It was a very brave thing you did and I am very proud of you. Please keep in touch and let us know how it is going and how you manage to work it out. PM me if you ever need to talk. And remember, your fiance took it better than you thought, so there's a good chance your parents might as well. :)
     
  14. bria

    bria Well-Known Member

    My parents are half the reason I am in this boat, unfortunately.
     
  15. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    :( Sorry to hear that. I feel your pain where that's concerned.
     
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