...Once again I managed to hurt everyone that ever seemed to have loved me even the tiniest bit. It sucks. Why do I keep on having these moments in which I push away EVERYONE that ever gives a shit about me. Cant take it no more. Yes I wanna go to 'that' place, where I can't hurt people no more and where people can't hurt me nomore. I wont be faced with the pain of those 2 losses anymore, I won't be faced with the disappointment of my parents anymore. I won't be faced with the urge to do it anymore. I won't be faced with the consequenses of my hurtful deeds anymore. I wont hurt anyone anymore. Nor can I be hurt, ever again.
Can't wait to leave.
and now I leave.
I can completely relate!! When I am in one of my lows, I push everybody who loves & cares about me away. I become a heartless bitch, who shows no emotion. I say things that nobody should ever THINK about saying, let alone actually letting the words come out of my mouth. I feel like if they hate me, it'll make suicide easier, for the both of us.
I don't feel bad doing it, which upsets me, but I feel alone. "Why am I doing this?" crosses my mind a lot. I get confused about how I should feel. I know I should stop being so mean, but I can't.
As sick as this sounds, I find enjoyment about bringing people down to my low level. I play a whole lot of games w/ people who love & care about me. I think it's b/c they deal w/ it & they continue to love & care about me, regardless of how I treat them.
I have awful relationship problems. I make a terrible girlfriend.
If you would like to talk more w/ me about this, you can PM me. Email me:
[email protected]. Or pref. IM me: MischievousBaBie.
<3 Amber
