Well it's your funeral. However before you go, you might want to consider the following 10 reasons why death is well, creepy!! 10. According to the medical profession, the five most reliable methods of diagnosing death are; (a) Pouring freezing water into your ear (should provoke an eye-movement in the living) (b) Poking something into your eye (testing the corneal reflex) (C) Poking something down your throat (testing the gag-reflex) (d) Grinding knuckles into your sternum (testing the pain reflex) (e) Squeezing your testicles (see d.) If none of these techniques elicit a response, you are probably deceased. 9. A corpse left about ground in warm weather will be reduce to a skeleton in about nine days. The rate of decay varies, because fat people (yours truly) decompose more quickly than thin people: The extra flab retains body hear, which speeds up the bacterial process that breaks down body tissue. 8. As your corps dissolves, your skin color may change from green, to purple, to black. Rigor mortis starts in your feet and travels upward. 7. Embalmes use Superglue to prevent your mouth from falling open. A coating of softened wax is also applied to both the upper and lower lip to prevent cracking and flaking. 6. To avoid the possibility of insects entering your body via your nose, your nostrils are deeply packed with cotton wool that is saturated with a liquid insecticide. 5. The putrefaction process releases gases that can make the body swell to 2 or 3 times it's normal size in 12 to 18 hours, and the pressure of accumulating methane can cause internal organs to be forced our of the lower orifices. Embalmers always check your abdominal and thoracic regions for any signs of distension or bloating caused by gaseous buildup, then relieve the pressure by opening an anal vent. 4. Fingernails and hair do not continue to grow after death. This myth arose from the illusion created by skin retracting around the hair and nails, which makes them standd up and stick out more prominently. 3. Until the 1950's, coffins were hardly ever made to measure. If your body didnt fit your coffin, the undertaker would normally break your ankles and bend your feet back. 2. The cremated remains of most adults will weigh between 2.5 and 8 pounds. the difference is due to bone size, not live weight. And the number one reason why death is creepy; 1. Because of the high water cocntent of the average human adult, cremation is tricky even with modern furnaces. Modern crematoriums are equipped with electrically operated crushing machined designed to pulverize unburnt bones. In some undeveloped countries, however, bodies are first wrapped in layers of animal fat to aid combustion. In India, many families can't afford enough fuel to do the job properly, and half-burned bodies are often thrown into a river. I don't know about you guys, but that stuff creeps me out. Think I will stick around awhile.