Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Feb 28, 2014.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm back here. Right here, this place of utter negativity and frustration and sadness and all of that. I know I'm perhaps not the brightest bulb in the pack but why must others make me feel like shit on the soles of their feet? And make me feel like I'm a complete idiot. Over and over and over? How should I respond when asked if others will look after my affairs when the time comes, if there is anyone there (in my life). What way, other than remaining silent, can I deal with this overwhelming guilt being placed at my feet for something I didn't as for? Feel like I am suffocating today. And realizing perhaps more strongly than I have for a while that it is me alone, anymore. And that there are no reasons to remain. Many memories mentioned today, of which I have no recall. And so I shook my head and remained quiet. Safer. Likewise when subjects were brought up which I knew were incorrect, I was correctd over and over. Again, quiet, slink back into my hole of darkness and silence and secrets. And I was asking in my head for someone to help, for someone to reach out, for any of those souls gone to help me out.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mo, in unhealthy family stuctures there often is that sick role assignment. It really has nothing to do with the reality of who people REALLY are. I personally think that the strongest of family members often is assigned the role of the underling. The psychic punching bag. So others in the family structure can feel better about themselves.

    I felt reminded of that while reading your words. Of course I cannot know your family structure. But I did want to offer the words regardless. I am sorry that all this stuff is being amplified. I can tell you that when it comes to dim bulbs, you are not amongst them. You ARE a bright bulb. I know that for a fact. And you are a good caring loyal friend. I do not doubt though that your family has caused you to believe otherwise. over and over and over..... until you became convinced of the lies that you are anything less than good and caring and smart. Sending many :hug:s for your intelligent good self. I am sorry you were so diminished and harmed. And I am sorry it persists.
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Flowers thank you for reading and responding.

    Today I went to visit someone related to my friend who sui because I am here and because there is a family illness. I saw someone else who informed me that really they didn't wish t o speak to me. I understand in my mind somewhat that perhapsp they are tired of seeing people etc. but this is me. And the person I spoke to is just like how I remember my friend re mannerisms etc. it has made me v sad today.

    Others in my company today lost temper with me, for what I'm not sure but I must have done some thing wrong. Many comments were made about some things that were akin to little jabs at my stomach and being each time. So v difficult. Glad in one way they are gone tomorrow night. But then I've three nights in this place alone that scares me.

    Stupid behavior. Stupid old me.
  4. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    :hugsquish: Sending you much Warmth, Peace and light.
  5. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    sounds like a grim time. and you take their words more to heart than usual because of the sadness
    when you're scared, come back here?
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mo, I am really sorry to read this. Why do people feel justified to jab people when they are down? It is so odd to me why people feel the sick need to do that instead of saying kind things to lift others up. I know it hurts. But in reality when people talk that way its a reflection of them and not you. Although when people do that to me I totally take it on though. If I were there I would give that person a piece of my mind. oh yes I would. I would have some choice words for her.

    I know the feeling of seeing someone who reminds me if someone I love who passed. Many years ago my uncle did that for me.
    He reminded me of my father. and it hurt a lot. Made me want to cry just seeing him. So I do understand.

    I wish there was someone supportive to be there with you. But I understand thats just wishes. Thank God its a short trip and you can get out of there before too much more pain happens. Been too much pain in the few days you have been there.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No hun not stupid you stupid them for harming y ou with their words hugs to you
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you, your responses made me cry, thanks for caring.
  9. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    :grouphug: you are cared about more than you know, only saw this now, please be kind to yourself and when you see "them" its my boot mark you'll see there... You Missy are awesome, their warped and clouded souls are just too blind to see it!
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you miss ditsy.

    I am now alone. Which is good and not so good because I am scared, where I am. So, having some wine and hoping to sleep. Restless night last night and I feel tired. But I know better than to expect to sleep at the times I need it most. Yes...poor, poor, poor old me.
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Much agitation and anxiety this evening. Feel very alone. Not sure how to get through the next couple of days. Trying to keep distracted, active and all of that. But I don't feel good so that's not helping. Thse negative thoughts are whirling in my mind with all the other stuff - the memories, the thoughts, the images. I can't calm the mind no matter what I try. Especially this time of night, I can't go out for a walk or whatever. Trying to avoid SH etc. This is crap. Total crap. Thinking earlier of how I'd find the animals homes or what would happen to them. How selfish am I?
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mo, I am so very sorry the pain is so deep. I wish there was something I could do to help. Please know I am here. I really am. Of course I wish you had someone near where you live to turn to. Just know I care.
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