So..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by kawaii_toni_, Apr 1, 2015.

  1. kawaii_toni_

    kawaii_toni_ New Member

    This is me. I'm knew at the so I apologise for anything I say that may effect anyone.

    My life sucks. I feel like I'm in a hole. A hole that has no way out and my family standing at the top of the hole laughing. I don't have the most difficult life but everyone says that as someone will always be more important and useful than I am. Everyone is to be honest. I'm not welcome in my home and you can tell. They make life hell. My mum puts me on diets which is good I guess. At least someone is making me look okay. I love the rain. I love screaming. My best friend is a cat and I like knives. I am a self harmer after many years and I've tried to commit suicide many times. I have alot of scars. Alot. I get scared when someone looks at me and I only feel safe when im running. I like to run. I could run for miles. It's just being free. Free from everything for once. My dad has a belt..yeah...you can guess the rest of that. A part of me wants to get better but honestly I don't know. I don't understand much. I have friends but as much as they try to understand many can't. I just don't want them to because I'm afraid it will hurt them if they knew what I was like. I'm afraid of myself. Im some type of walking dead. I am the walking dead. Same thing every day. I just follow my parents and make sure I say nothing. I love talking just to cover up what I'm feeling but you can kinda guess that by how long this is. Sorry about that. I have a eating thing where I don't like to eat and I throw up after eating. I don't mean to do it but I guess it's some type of habit to just run to the bathroom. It's strange. I feel like a normal teenager. School, friends, exams but I know I'm not. I know that every other teenager wouldn't want to curl up and forget that you live in hell when there is a party to go to. People think I'm mental when I'm not. I just need a little bit of guidance. A helping hand to say I'm okay but everyone just wants to fix me. Fuck you and fuck off are the words I hear the most and they do hurt. I let them say it so I guess it is my fault. It's always my fault in some way. I'm the one who cuts, the one that is fat, the one who gets in the way
     
  2. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    i'm really sorry about your problems.

    Take care and welcome to the forums.
     
  3. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Things sound very tough right now - I'm so sorry you're in so much pain.


    I think it's fantastic that you're a runner. Not only are you helping yourself mentally feel free and safe, you're causing a lot of beneficial physiological changes. Not just the obvious ones like increased strength and stamina and endorphin production, but reduction of depression. Some people swear running is as effective as using anti-depression medication - I gather the science is still open on this. Right now it does sound like you're depressed, however, even with your running and you might benefit from some medication and therapy. This would also help you with the guidance you say you want. Is this a possibility for you?

    Considering what you wrote about your father and his belt, it would be only natural if you were depressed. In fact, putting an end to your father's abuse would be a great place to start getting better. My father used to hit my brother with his belt, too, so you have my deepest sympathy for the pain you are going through.

    Please call hot lines when things get bad. You need more support than you have right now. And keep posting here. We care. And no one will blame you here - sounds like you've had your fill of that! Be gentle with yourself.