Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by girl_in_limbo, May 22, 2009.

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  1. girl_in_limbo

    girl_in_limbo Active Member

    ... I'm still here, unfortunately.

    I haven't been able to write in a while. I have just been feeling so empty and tired. Its very difficult for me to even organize a thought. I just keep on thinking of how much easier it would be if I wasn't here.

    I think about "leaving" everyday, but then a little voice says "momma" or 2 little hands come from behind me to give me a hug. I love them to death, but its like torcher. I get even more depressed thinking about how I know I can't "leave", because of them. Its so exhausting, this internal battle I fight everyday. Sometimes I just want to run away from it all.

    I hate my life/situation and the worst part for me is that most people would kill to have the life I have. I have nothing to be depressed/suicidal about, its all in my head.

    I know that something will happen soon enough, something that will push me over the edge, so I still carry my suicide method with me everywhere I go... just in case.
  2. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Em, maybe you don't wanna hear this from me (again), but all the feelings I have too, sometimes extreme sometimes I forget for an hour or two. It's the feeling of being trapped that's biggest. You want to die but you KNOW your kids will suffer so much so you can't even die to help yourself which makes the feeling of wanting to die even stronger and the cycle goes on. Depression can affect everyone, even people who "have it all". It's ok to carry your 'method' with you, once you don't use it?
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Amanda,
    Have you thought about going in the hospital?? They can get you on meds to help battle the depression..That might take a little time because evryones body chemistry is different..
    When you are ready to get out you can get them to help set you up with a therapist.. I recommend the thrapy it really helps..I have been battling this since I was 13 and am now 52.. I have been in therapy for four years and can see the progress I have made..Give it a go... I wish you all the best!!
  4. girl_in_limbo

    girl_in_limbo Active Member

    I've been to several different "hospitals" over my lifetime(most more than once) and nothing has ever seem to do anything. I have also tried a lot of different meds in the past with little result, although I haven't been on any meds for over 2 years now.

    I believe that therapy may help, if I would be able to find a decent therapist. The last therapist I had pretty much said, well I don't know what to tell you. She wasn't the only one to say that either. Also I don't have health insurance right now and we really can't afford to pay another bill(I'm currently laid off so we are living off of one income right now).

    I guess I don't have much faith in anything anymore. I think that I am just "one of those people" who have to struggle with this their whole life, as long or short as it may be.

    On a lighter note, I do feel a bit better today, as of right now. Usually, I feel the worst towards the end of the day, like I used any happiness I had up in the morning.

    Well I'm here another day, but the future is still unknown...
  5. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    I wish I could offer help. Your struggle sounds a lot like mine. Hold onto your kids. Mine were my lifeline for a long time. Still are in some ways, at least they eliminate some methods. :dry:
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