... I'm still here, unfortunately. I haven't been able to write in a while. I have just been feeling so empty and tired. Its very difficult for me to even organize a thought. I just keep on thinking of how much easier it would be if I wasn't here. I think about "leaving" everyday, but then a little voice says "momma" or 2 little hands come from behind me to give me a hug. I love them to death, but its like torcher. I get even more depressed thinking about how I know I can't "leave", because of them. Its so exhausting, this internal battle I fight everyday. Sometimes I just want to run away from it all. I hate my life/situation and the worst part for me is that most people would kill to have the life I have. I have nothing to be depressed/suicidal about, its all in my head. I know that something will happen soon enough, something that will push me over the edge, so I still carry my suicide method with me everywhere I go... just in case.