Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Apr 9, 2011.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    what am i meant to do?

    why am i fixated on sui rightnow?

    tonight am drinking, not smart, doesn't help. Logically I know this.

    but its been a tough week, bad news and I just want to escape - even just for one night. i've been doing good.

    but right now, an escape sounds good to me. this is my worry, at what point will i do something when not thinking clearly?

    really i know theres only one person who it will affect and she won't be here much longer.

    so what difference does it make?

    So sad, just so damn sad. Over it all.
  2. Nemo

    Nemo Well-Known Member

    think about it - do you really want to? it may seem like it would only affect one person but there are always a web of people behind the obvious ones we think we will hurt if we leave. sui can seem like a good idea, but in reality, there's always something you can do, or someone else can do, that will help you feel that life is worth living. so hold out for it :hug: it'll be worth it x
  3. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Been wondering how you were doing

    sorry you are feeling so down **hugs**
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks kali,

    How are you?
  5. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    not so hot sweetie. Perhaps a bit as you are.
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm sorry... Please try to look after yourself.

    Some days just
  7. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    they sure do

    try to hold on hun

  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

  9. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Keep strong. You can do it. Use us to vent your anger on. I dont mind :mad:
  10. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    How are you holding up?
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    This is the worst day in a long while but I can't do anything about thoughts as someone needs me here to take care of them.

    On top of it all it appears I've alienated a friend who is dear to my heart.

    I give up, I believe others are better off without me.

    I hope you doing okay, too, Kali?

    Thanks for checking in.
  12. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    sweetie, i see so much hope for you but at the moment it is so difficult to type.

    i'm glad you are holding on, even if it is to care for someone.

    i don't think people are better off without you, quite the contrary, i notice you have so much to give, so much to share, a lot of healing left to go through too.

    perhaps your friend will come around, perhaps they will find understanding of what you are going through.

  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    If I could scream right now, I would.

    I'm angry and sad.

    They say anger is fear realized.

    I am fearful.

    But why do I open myself up to people, when this is what happens?

    Am I that deeply messed up that I can't keep a basic friendship anymore, nevermind anything else?

    Can I blame my situation? Hmmm, perhaps.

    Maybe thats the easy way out.

    So yeah, I'm angry.

    About all of this.

    About giving up future dreams.

    About having to play this role that I was unprepared for.

    And people say I am sooooooo empathetic. Ha!

    What a fool am I to be manipulated so easily.

    Who fucking cares? Who cares?

    I'll mind and watch and help until they pass.

    Then what shall I do?

    Can I sit every day in tears as I do right now?

    Feeling lost & lonely & forgotten about?

    Then what shall I do?

    Disappear, perhaps that is the answer.
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i hope you hang on okay Keep posting the sadness away here let it out okay so it doesn't build up inside so much hugs
  15. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    No, not going anywhere until this is all over.

    Then I'll consider options.

    Not sure how I'll continue.

    But I probably will, somehow.

    No courage to end it, so its all talk.

    Stupid, stupid, stupid - nothing new.

    But the thoughts are there.

    And when those you thought were there for you, aren't, well - whats the point?

    The wish is there for all of this to go away.
  16. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    It sounds very hard right now. I can relate to some of what You sorted about telling people things and it driving them away. I never learn to stop doing that.

    I hope you can stick with us as i've seen you help others on here.
  17. chipper

    chipper Well-Known Member

    do anything you want just as long as it is something not permanent like suicide.

    hey, we all know alcohol could be comforting. wrong but comforting so it's okay to drink just know when to stop
  18. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Alcohol is a depressant. It just makes you worse. Stay away from it. It feeds your problems and will make them much worse. Don't take even a drop.
  19. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    thank you,

    I've been avoiding it but slipped up the other night. Sometimes I just want to be numb.
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