I feel shit, very shit, I'm sitting here with my girlfriend and her best mate, should be happy. Have had a nice day, went cinema etc. And instead I'm just feeling really shitty. Someone said ''I love my Nanny'' guess what, I loved my Nan too. I loved her more than life. And she's gone. I still want to go with her. Go to the place where everything will be okay. All the dreams I have been having about her being scared, they are signs, I know it. I just know it. I'm trying to figure out when I can be alone for long enough. Long enough to do it. Please, the person who said that earlier, please don't feel guilty over this. That didn't bring this on. I have been feeling like this for over two months. Every since that night. The night when it all changed. I haven't had my anti-depressants since Sunday and I can't have them till Friday, guess that isn't helping much. :blink: I saw a broken glass earlier, and all I wanted to do was to pick it up and cut with it. I couldn't because she was with me, but trust me, I thought about it! I'm drinking way too much, I know I am, but it's the only to numb the pain, to stop the thoughts. It might not last for long, but even an hour helps. An hour of not thinking about hurting myself, not thinking about being with my Nan, not thinking about how she went, not thinking about her being in pain, not thinking about never seeing her again. Everytime I eat I feel sick, not literally, just sick at myself. I feel guilty and I end up hating myself. I hate the way I look, I disgust myself. I will NEVER know what she sees in me. What she sees in a fat cow like me. I've just had a McDonalds, and I had to force myself to eat every little mouthful. I just want to NOT eat. I hate me, and need to change.