Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by *dilligaf*, Aug 22, 2007.

  1. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    I feel shit, very shit, I'm sitting here with my girlfriend and her best mate, should be happy. Have had a nice day, went cinema etc. And instead I'm just feeling really shitty.
    Someone said ''I love my Nanny'' guess what, I loved my Nan too. I loved her more than life. And she's gone. I still want to go with her. Go to the place where everything will be okay. All the dreams I have been having about her being scared, they are signs, I know it. I just know it. I'm trying to figure out when I can be alone for long enough. Long enough to do it. Please, the person who said that earlier, please don't feel guilty over this. That didn't bring this on. I have been feeling like this for over two months. Every since that night. The night when it all changed.
    I haven't had my anti-depressants since Sunday and I can't have them till Friday, guess that isn't helping much. :blink:
    I saw a broken glass earlier, and all I wanted to do was to pick it up and cut with it. I couldn't because she was with me, but trust me, I thought about it!
    I'm drinking way too much, I know I am, but it's the only to numb the pain, to stop the thoughts. It might not last for long, but even an hour helps. An hour of not thinking about hurting myself, not thinking about being with my Nan, not thinking about how she went, not thinking about her being in pain, not thinking about never seeing her again.
    Everytime I eat I feel sick, not literally, just sick at myself. I feel guilty and I end up hating myself. I hate the way I look, I disgust myself. I will NEVER know what she sees in me. What she sees in a fat cow like me. I've just had a McDonalds, and I had to force myself to eat every little mouthful. I just want to NOT eat. I hate me, and need to change.
  2. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    sorry, i paid for that comment

    i love u because ur u! baby ur not gonna make urself feel better by starving urself! :dry:
  3. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    u have nothing to be sorry for. i have already told u that. the problem was mine, not yours xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  4. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I think, though it seems, you have not realised, that you have come to the conclusion that you do not want to hurt yourself otherwise you would not be wanting to numb the pain enough so that you do not harm yourself. The next step will be to challenge the thoughts that say you deserve to hate yourself, vikki obviously doesn't so she must see something in you that is loveable and I for one trust vikki, I'm sure you do too.
  5. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    I would trust Vikki with my life, and I hope she knows that (as she's watching me type thi I'm guessing she does :lol: )
    Deep down I don't want to hurt people, Vikki, my mum, my dad, my little cousin. If It wasn't for them then I'm not so sure I would still be here right now.
    Thanks for the reply hun, made me think :hug:
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sam hun, its only been a short time since your nan passed away, you're still grieving hun and thats ok and right. I know it makes you feel sad when you think of her, but cry when you want and even let yourself be angry at the loss..its all part of the grieving process :hug: