I am not even sure what to call this, but I guess I can generalize it as a form of 'social problem' or maybe 'social screw up' or something like that. I remember I used to be extremely antisocial because I was simply uncomfortable being with people especially in a crowd or a large group of people. I feel more comfortable being with a small group (preferably not more than 3 including me) and engage in intimate personal conversations instead of just chatting about the latest music or movies, or even about current issues, I mean most of the things people usually talk about when they are together. I can talk about these things but I find it hard to enjoy doing it for too long. Sometimes I try to talk, try to be like others, but then I sometimes get bored and feeling so restrained, like I am not being myself and I hate that feeling. I realize I not only find it hard to socialize like other people I know, maybe its because I am not like that yet sometimes I can actually stand out and make the talk interesting out of surprise coz I can be extremely sarcastic at times and just when people think I will continue to make things fun, I can change suddenly and became so quiet and everyone will start seeing me as crazy or something. I find it hard to avoid from giving people the impression that I am some kind of psychopath because of the way I can change suddenly, one moment I am talking non stop and the next minute, I hardly say a word but 'yeah yeah' and 'ok ok'. I admit I am afraid to speak out at times out of my fear to say things that I shouldn't and make someone mad or something. But there are times, I am able to overcome this fear and just spit out whatever I feel like saying and due to my impulsivity, I tend to screw up as always and I will get very depressed if it turns out to be real - that I have pissed someone off so bad that he/she will completely stop talking to me without me knowing what did I do. And I hate to even say it happened many times. Though I try to convince myself this fear is unreal, but then I can't deny it when people totally stop talking to me for something I said wrongly. So this fear is like so real, and one of the millions of reasons I despise myself so much. I sound a little and just a little more 'normal' in writing but I guess it does not change the fact that I still screw up in everything in different ways. I am sure you all know I have said a thing or two that sounds annoying or maybe fake or simply stupid. I wish I can give a better reason than a lame excuse like my tendency to screw up. I didn't get to socialize much in the past coz of my traumatic experiences but again, I know that is not a good excuse at all to make others mad all the time. Another weakness of mine is, when it comes to writing, I find it hard to keep things summarized and to the point and I tend to go on and on unnecessarily. I wonder, if I can ever change this. I know I must but I guess its one of the many things about myself that requires me to change yet its always easier to say I want to do it than doing it for real. One of the reasons that often drive me to think that I was never meant for this world, and yeah, I guess its no surprise to dive deeper into suicidal thoughts, I don't know how to put it; either I was never meant for this world or this world was never meant for me? Either way I look at it, its making lesser difference each day as I am going through the motions everyday..