Hi. I'm new to the board, so please forgive me if I am out of line or haven't looked long enough in here to find what I am looking for, but perhaps you folks can assist. I have seen a few threads that I can relate to, kinda, but those particular threads all seem to be from men, with male perspectives that I can't fully understand. Am I the only female on here with a social disorder? I've got BPD, and it's more of an emotional than a social problem I guess, but that coupled with a mild Aspergers has affected me mostly in terms of socialization and how I relate to people, and that's what's got me depressed and suicidal.
I know I am using the terminology incorrectly, which normally I would be scrupulous to avoid, but since this is anonymous and I am feeling terrible NOW, (not a half hour from now after I would have looked everything up and found the proper terms), I hope you all will let the vocabulary slide and just address the meat of what I am saying.
Anyway, if there are any chix here with BPD or Aspergers or even dudes who have something universal to say, if anyone knows how to cope with trying to relate to people and not feel like crap because it's so EXHAUSTING to do so, please share your thoughts.
A little about where I'm coming from: Like I said, I've got BPD (diagnosed) and basically take everything WAY too personally, read too much into every situation, have physical reactions (nausea, dizziness, tension & pain) to what I constantly perceive as "insults" and "rejection," and I also think I've got a bit of Aspergers because I swear I never know the subtext of what people are driving at (although thanks to the BPD I am sure to create an imaginary subtext where there isn't any), so people often think I am rude, etc. because I never "get it."
Growing up I had a history of depression, various disorders, suicide attempts, sexual abuse, was ostracized by my peers, yadda yadda yadda.
Currently I have a career which requires a LOT of public interaction and performance and it is wearing me out, because people are starting to see through my persona.
Plus, I am in a relationship with another entertainer, and he does not understand and only makes things worse.
And no, I can't quit my job; that's giving up.
Bottom line, I'm upset. I am tired of cutting my body up with a boxcutter. I am tired of literally banging my head against the wall. I am tired of crying every single night. I am tired of being piss drunk all day just to be able to face people. Like all of you, I just want to be happy. I just want to be able to deal with people and not let them get to me.
Regards,
Cat
I know I am using the terminology incorrectly, which normally I would be scrupulous to avoid, but since this is anonymous and I am feeling terrible NOW, (not a half hour from now after I would have looked everything up and found the proper terms), I hope you all will let the vocabulary slide and just address the meat of what I am saying.
Anyway, if there are any chix here with BPD or Aspergers or even dudes who have something universal to say, if anyone knows how to cope with trying to relate to people and not feel like crap because it's so EXHAUSTING to do so, please share your thoughts.
A little about where I'm coming from: Like I said, I've got BPD (diagnosed) and basically take everything WAY too personally, read too much into every situation, have physical reactions (nausea, dizziness, tension & pain) to what I constantly perceive as "insults" and "rejection," and I also think I've got a bit of Aspergers because I swear I never know the subtext of what people are driving at (although thanks to the BPD I am sure to create an imaginary subtext where there isn't any), so people often think I am rude, etc. because I never "get it."
Growing up I had a history of depression, various disorders, suicide attempts, sexual abuse, was ostracized by my peers, yadda yadda yadda.
Currently I have a career which requires a LOT of public interaction and performance and it is wearing me out, because people are starting to see through my persona.
Plus, I am in a relationship with another entertainer, and he does not understand and only makes things worse.
And no, I can't quit my job; that's giving up.
Bottom line, I'm upset. I am tired of cutting my body up with a boxcutter. I am tired of literally banging my head against the wall. I am tired of crying every single night. I am tired of being piss drunk all day just to be able to face people. Like all of you, I just want to be happy. I just want to be able to deal with people and not let them get to me.
Regards,
Cat
May I ask what you do in the entertainment field? I mean, if you act, then it might be easier for you portray that which you wish others to see in you. You can be "yourself" (say what's on your mind, have your own personal sense of style, even be a little quirky) while at the same time behaving in a way that others respond to positively. Do you have a role model (a person in "real" life, an actor, whatever) whom you admire? Then use their social skills (social skill are basically a learned thing after all...) combined with your own personality, so while you are conforming to social norms (we all do this...I mean, we get up and shower or put make-up on, do our hair...things we might not do if we were just home alone of a day off...same thing with certain social "graces"), but at the same time you can be yourself...that is after all, what makes you unique and interesting!