I lately been trying to figure out if i'm a social retard, I'm trying to figure out if I am really awkward to be around because I get the feeling that I people around me are being polite but secretly can't wait to for me to leave. I'm trying to objective look at this but I'm having trouble separating reality from my own biased point of view. I know some of the social awkwardness is probably being blown out of proportion by my need to fit in (i never really feel like i fit in anywhere and always seem to struggle to find a place where i can belong) but this all came to light when a good friend of mine (we have been friends for 20 plus years) came over to my house several weeks ago. We have been growing apart for years it seems but still stayed in contact and when we got together every once in a while things would be great and we click and have fun like we always did. This past time they was something strange about it, some sort of distance or awkwardness between us, that got me thinking, maybe it's me. Maybe all along I have been this awkward mess of social ineptitude that any reasonable person would find taxing to be around. Maybe I was being inappropriate in social situations but never thought I was cause I thought my behaviour is normal and acceptable, yet the opposite is true. I been obsessing over this and trying to step back and look at what i'm doing when in social situations trying to get some perspective but finding it hard to figure out. The more I look into this the more I just wanna stop being social and not be around people in general, like i just want to find a hole and crawl in it and shut the world out. But I can't....I've been avoiding interacting with people even online as i've been avoiding SF and other sites where I normally mingle with people. So apologies to those who may have thought i was avoiding them for something they did...it has nothing to do with you, it's all me. i didn't know where to put this rant so i put it here... I don't know why I wrote this but I really just need to get this out and maybe i can figure it out by expressing it in words.