Socially isolated since childhood. Most alone person ever. Done with life.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lasko, Aug 14, 2013.

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  1. lasko

    lasko New Member

    Hey, everybody. OK, so I dunno if this is wrong of me to do this. I'm posting this message mostly to try to help my wife, but I need help, too. Although I feel like I want to die every day, I don't really have actively suicidal feelings. I always hold out hope that things can change for the better so unless I found out I had a terminal disease or something, I'd never want to close the door permanently on that possibility. Is it OK to post here seeking help, advice and companionship for another person? I've seen support groups online for spouses and family members of people who have already killed themselves, but none for those who have suicidal feelings. Wouldn't you think a group like that would be even more important? Anyway, I'll just assume this is OK and go on to explain my wife's situation.

    So the title above describes my wife's life and feelings. She's has basically felt this way since her early teens. She grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Basically, she never had parents. Her father was out of the picture early, leaving her alone with her single mother who was horribly neglectful.

    I met her when she was young on a mailing list. I'm very socially avoidant myself but have had more of normal life than her. Instead of bringing something normal to her life, I just basically joined her in her isolation. Neither of us have any friends other than each other. Our relationship has gotten really bad. We're always at each other's throats and blaming one another for our misery.

    So I guess my question is, is there anyone else out there who's had a life similar to my wife's? She doesn't believe there's anyone she could ever possibly relate to. She doesn't think even the most suicidal people could ever relate to her unique pain of being so alone since childhood. Yes, she has me, but as I said, our relationship is horrible at this point. She feels like I emotionally abandoned her and that she just wants me to leave her now so she can die. I just don't know what to do. It's like living in a nightmare every day and it's making me want to die, too.

    The only times she finds people relatable is when they're screaming that they want to die. She feels she can't do anything and has no chance of ever having a normal life. Her health is only going downhill now and she doesn't want to have to suffer physically as well as emotionally. To her, just ending it all makes complete sense. Although I don't want her to die, I can sometimes see her point.

    OK. I guess I should just leave it there for now. If anyone can relate to this story, please let me know. I don't want her to feel so alone. I can only help so much. I need to help her find a reason to live, or at least an outlet for her painful feelings. She really needs to talk to someone who's despair and pain are on the same level as her's. She doesn't believe such a person exists. Are you that special person? Please reply. Thanks.
     
  2. BruceWayneWannabe

    BruceWayneWannabe Active Member

    Hi,

    First of all, I'm really sorry for you and your wife's situation. Second, this is my story that I can offer. I've felt disconnected from people since I was seven and kind of isolated myself from them. I really have a hard time relating to people. They're so much smarter than me or cooler, so I have a very hard time relating and talking to them. I had a couple of friends in school, but they've gone on to bigger and better things and left me behind, because I'm not good enough at life to succeed. I had one long-term girlfriend a long time ago, who said she'd love me forever and always be there for me....she left me on Christmas, which was always the hardest day of the year for me because of my loneliness. She's since married; I haven't had anyone since--I'm not much of a catch (This is why I appreciated your story. I always wanted a companion who would be there for me at my ups and downs--as I would her--instead of abandoning me at the first sign of trouble. She's really lucky to have you) I'm constantly lonely, depressed.

    A couple of days ago, I moved to a new job. I was hopeful things were going to turn around for me, but I have had the hardest time here. The crew is small and so much smarter than me. As a result, I withdraw and can't talk to them even when I want to. Also, I work to slow and they have to help me and I sense they hate me for it. It feels like there's a huge weight on my chest I can't get off.

    This is a pain I know all too well. I really don't feel human anymore. I feel like some burden on the rest of the normal people. I'm completely miserable and all I look forward to now is the day it all ends for me. I don't like being alive anymore. I was feeling so bad today that I hoped I could find some way to ease the pain. If my story doesn't make her feel less alone--her story made me feel a little less alone tonight. Thank you for posting it. And I really do hope you both can find some way to feel better. I truly is an awful, terrible feeling.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 15, 2013
  3. lasko

    lasko New Member

    Thanks for the reply, Bruce. I'm glad her story made you feel a little better. I could relate to your's a lot. Especially your feelings of inferiority. I'm gonna wait a little while before I share other people's stories with her, holding out for the most relatable one possible. I want her to know there are other people out there crying in pain. I realize finding someone who had the same degree of isolation she did from such an early age will be very hard, though. I imagine most people who've had lives like her's (if there even are any) are probably dead.

    She resents me a lot for keeping her alive for so long. And now she feels like I abandoned her emotionally and that I killed her only reason for wanting to be alive, which was our relationship. I could never figure out what to say to her to make her feel better, so I was often without words. This is how she feels I abandoned her.

    I see the Dark Knight quote in your sig. That movie really traumatized her when we saw it. She felt a very painful connection to the Bane character. This quote from him had her in tears:

    "Ahh, you think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it. Molded by it. I didn't see the light until I was a man. But it was nothing to me but blinding."

    This describes her experience perfectly. I've tried to bring some light into her life and bring her out into it but only burns her. I guess I'm like The Dark Knight to her. I adopted the dark by joining her in isolation. But I was not born in it like she was, so I will never truly understand her or be able to help her in the way she needs.
     
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

    There's only so much that you can do to help her. You can try and offer support, but she has to be an active participant in getting better.

    Therapy, and in particular, group therapy might be good for her. Has she tried therapy? There may be discounted services available, if money is an issue.
     
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