Grr... it's gotten to the point where I don't want to go outside to talk to the new neighbours because I have nothing to say, and can't keep up with the change of topics, and how im supposed to be with people on the "first meet" crap. Idk, I think ive come to the conclusion that Im really incapable of being around people, which makes all my present and future relationships.. well, how can I let someone into my life if I am this way? I get panic attacks in public, and the only way I know how to combat this is to numb myself to myself to the point where Im a zombie. But at that point i walk irregularly, i do things systematically.. Sigh. I do this more often than anything now. It's shifting heavily between me being able to comfortably let myself decide things for myself, or fall back to my pre-set choices and observational safety nets for things. Erhm, like going shopping for food. Do I go in and wonder what I want, or do I immediantly keep walking to the isles where I know I need things, then hope in the process of getting those things that some sort of desire kicks in for somethign else that makes me feel I need it. ... sigh cant even explain this right. .. I just dread people, i dread talking about myself and what I think about things.. its not so bad at times i guess.. like right now i could handle a couple minutes, but actually bouning with someone about a topic? I mean even talking about something else.. i just want to collapse and not try. Guess Im sick of failing. Im also very very sick of being accepted as this failure. It's like everything frustrates me, .. well because im exhausted of being me and not being anything or having anything to fall back on. And then when I do come out of my thin shell, .. gg im nutty. ?? Nah im ok right now, but when I start projecting how I feel now to what I want in life, and what I need to do to change my life to have what Iwnat, to even just be normal, .. i feel like shit. it's not daunting .. its just.. Not what I want to live for. .. but yes I know "that's all a part of living".. good fucking GOD! wish no one knew me or cared sometimes. At the sametime.. To sum it up, im socially fucked, and worried that the people in my life are being drawn down by me. Just pisses me off, i keep teetering on the edge of wanting to make sure theyre ok and distancing them from me. I dont want to drag people down with me .. tired of being a negative part of life
there are meds to help with social anxiety hun call your doc okay You don't have to have that anxiety hugs
I don't have anything to say that can help you... But want to say that I read you and I see your struggle. Hold on!
Oh mate, you have such inner wisdom and thought, caring too, you can look at something from both sides objectively and make an informed response. Have seen it loads. You know as well as me................its down to intention and desire to conquer it. I know you can, i have that hope for you and thats mine to keep.
Thanks for the post Believe me I know the feeling of not knowing what to say, specially when I re-read my own posts. @ Total Eclipse , - Id hope u know by now I won't take medication, no matter how many times you suggest it. But thanks anyhow, I guess it can help, but I fail to see how elevating certain core states and decresing my ability to feel and think in others a way of being me. The point of my depression if you want a summary, is to be me. I can be happy if I bent all of who I am to fit into systems developed and embraced by society, be it the military or any sort of social conditioning with boundaries. But I wouldn't be me. If I took drugs, Id be "stable" by neglecting the parts of me that are hurting and in all honesty, making me feel the way I do because of real true honest connections to who I am. Wether those drugs are their to help me maintain until I find a foundation or not as a temporary measure is beyond the point. How can I look myself in the mirror and know I failed to survive as myself. That's an act to me of truly giving up on myself. No Im not saying people who take medication are giving up on themselves, it's just how it is for me. Im very aware of my issues and the reasons for why I know Im afailure and to be perfectly honest an idle prick who can't do anything unless i feel the correct sort of friction, which Im finding extremely difficult to find. People say they offer it, but.. as im finding out, im the only one who can be there for me or save myself, and Im desperatly feeling like I just dont give a fuck. And that is my final counter to myself, to nullify my momentum and desires to stop any desire venturing into real negativity. ... ramble. I hate getting close to people. The closer I get, the more I need, the further I am, the more at ease I am and can talk. Meds will fuck me over royally, or create a "better more stable me". Neither sound appealing. The only pride i have left is that I am still me in some fashion, that when I hit these keys or feel my feelings, they are directly a result of who I am. It's all I have left in my monotonous, mis-understood, idle dispicable past ridden life that for some reason good people come close to. Maybe i project some sort of fucking light that makes people think im nice and kind and stable and shit I dont know. But they dont fucking get it. I need things.. I need real things. But at this point it's so bad that Id suck the life out of anyone. Ramble.. enough with medication. It's not for me, even if my responce "justifies" it to some. But thanks for the post andsuggestion. @me, myself and i To be honest I think you're seeing what you want to see. Inner wisdom is something I defiantly don't have. Objective responces from me is my first and final way of saving what is left of me, and combating my inner most darkest desires by nulling them with reality until they are purely neutral, leaving me with a choice of directing them without letting those desires blind me to the reality around me. You dont want to know what ive had to deal with as far as who I am. I don't to be honest, .. though i guess there are times that I wish i felt the friction of the potential possibility. Now everythings just.. boring, or overloadingly destructive, In a fucking BORING way. It's the same over and over, just in different variations. And when it's not, when it's real.. i cant be me or i mess it up. More so, the potential now for real life to interact with me and vice verca is and has been destroyed by my inability to flow and bounce with other people. And my lack of caring about anything so I have nothing to share. If I speak generally,.. when I was younger at like 16 i had 100 desires inside of me. But those desires were secondary to my primary ones, which are few.. very few. Very specific, but also very unspecific. A way for me to keep what I really want there but without covering it with my thoughts. But as time has gone, and as my actions show, that number of secondary desires has fallen, because I cannot maintain what I really want and those desires. But im lost without those secondary desires.. i have like three things left around me that I do, and I do them only because i need the bounce, and the diminishing substance I obtain fom them. Everything else im shit at and am becoming more and more shit at. Im at the point of doing what I know and have known I shouldnt do which is get jolts of things at any given time, feeding off the shock until time lets me set in my natural state. .. Well I suppose that's normality.. ok i dont know what im talking about now fucking ramble dump. Intention and desire? Do you mean to overcome those public issues? I suppose. I was thinking more on the lines of self beliefe in who I am and how I feel about what im talking about and feel. Kind of a self homing becon that even if anyone tries to defy, if i believe in myself, strong enough id be able to logically or emotionally respond accordingly. Or something like that.. yeah intention is in there,... desire? I have to be careful with that. But in reality.. im literally drained. I dont get any energy. I get this sort of .. weird shield from the people I care about and being around them. Flowing in their flow.. but when im left alone or in the spot light, i can only run off so much before i eventually come to speaking from who I am. And believe me.. I have nothing to say. And thats.. probably because I dont trust anyone. And god.. i hate .. so much when the people i care about. just dont get me. You know how alone that feels? Im sure everyone does, that alone feeling. But the worst is the contrast when it's right in your face. The hope that someone understands, or more so the knowledge, then the.. reality.. Im all alone. An the worse reality that it's not intelligence that disconnects us, it's .. the fact that im fucked and have no means of communicating what i want. At this point im falling asleep inside because im having trouble combating this neutreality inside. Im tired of making myself angry to provoke a contrast. Im tired of believing and feeling happy to find that it's not what I want. Im tired of being kept safe and destroying that with reality. Im tired of .. no existing. And you know.. im tired of people thinking that this, this shit, this pos life that I am is me. Perhaps im having a moment of disconnection to create a contrast so I can cause some momentary revelation that will make me feel better about myself for being able to feel something new, even if it's through a thined version of disassociation. im just tired. im tired of adapting to people. I dont lie, but never lie, but i do adapt. I just, am tired of everyone. And im only tired of everyone because im ultimatly tired of myself. I am .. very unproductive in life. and you know what I dont care.. but god i do care when i have to interact with people. The contrast of who I should be and the memories and reoccuring desires of success and pride in who i am rush over and.. when i see who i am and what i have not done and what i do.. im ashamed. Pretty simple, pretty flat, pretty true.. but it doesnt matter just one of those things that yeah.. i donno maybe im coming close to a breaking point where ill collapse and whatever i find right infront of me ill live for. cause whatever i find now, hold no weight cause i cant connect to it or care about it. I cant do what I want to do.. and bloody hell reading people? That's become.. that was lost along time ago. I gave up on people, i just take everyone for saying the truth now. If u want to lie to me,.. ok that's your problem. I dont have the energy to find your inaccuracies and deceptions. I dread to think of the people like me who are capable of holding their breath any lying for so long without showing any signs along the way. idk.. my heads having a moment. To sum it up, cause .. people rarely respond and tbh I dont blame them. Yeah, it's just the anxiety is a bi-product of how I feel about myself. How I feel about people is very easy to maintain. .. making people not know what to say, sitting their in silence, giving them irregularly directed responces so I can control the conversation instead of being natural with it?.. god im just tired. im tired of all of this shit. I dont know why I bother.. it's.. it's doesnt feel worth it, cause ive been saying it is for so long now.. And nothings .. im can't keep waiting forever. If it's not going to happen.. it's not going to happen. When i feel my heart and let it breath.. it feels the same.. just older. An my body and mind are getting worse and worse. .. God im in a spirally mood. You can kinda see it if you read from start to finish. bullshit or not to some, im just tired, and i feel like my existence is being burnt and melted away in the wind of time. And the exposed flesh that's left is burning to the contact of everyone else. And it gets worse, and worse and worse. I can't create new skin, and I can't create an acceptable distraction. And i can't find me, nor anyone that sees me. But i find loads of people that come close. .. so fucking close. ug. another dime another dollar, another minute another dollar, another subjection another zombie... i gotta really stop.
i do understand your hestitation i too feel i have given in i have not fought hard enough to be me i fought so long to not take the meds but in the end it was take them or leave HOW could i do that to the ones that i care for i sacrificed my believes to stay here for them One day i hope to find me too the real me but until then i have to be who i am meds correct the inbalance in me an imperfection i am not happy with but um someday i will hopefully will not have to take them I do understand you i do You see it is not weakness but strength to acknowledge that help is needed right now help is needed hugs to you.
`im taking them because i feel bad and didnt want to end it all because of the people in my life. And after going against how I feel, i still feel like shit, but Im functioning regardless` Well.. I suppose Im happy you've found an agreement inside to accept that sort of help. Im not dissing it, I know it helps so many people. But you're missing my point, by emphasising your point. You're suggesting I should hold on and query life more and to adjust to the harshness of reality I should pop some pills to help me adjust to the settings around me. It's not pride alone for me. It's the fact that I barely have a connection with who I am. I rarely find moments where I can be me. Drugs like that will not help me get there. AND by god if they do ease and make it easier I will never come off that ride of dillusion. How can I save myself when Im under the influence of a mind altering substance on a repetitive basis. My feelings may destroy me day in and day out, but they are my own and they everything that i am. Sacrafice parts of me for those that I care about?... I have nothing left to sacrafice. Since i was a child I sacraficed parts of me for society and my mother, my friends, for life. Since I was old enough to leave home I re-found that I can exist without that net around me. Sacraficing for those you love works in certain situations, but sacraficing who I am to that degree? You might aswell as me to put on a mask that melds to my soul and makes me forget who I am. Honestly.. it's not about ignoring the pain eclipse, it's about exploring and growing beyond the thresholds of my pain by understanding them and realising there is more in pain and pleasure and existence in a restful state aswell. I may hit walls from taking one step, but i am aware of them. They drive me nuts, they make me feel ashamed, they even make me look like a fool, but a drug won't change that, it'll only change me. Call it.. baby steps of failing like a bastard if you want that are literally killing me, but i wont be saved by a drug, Ill only be put to sleep or worse, forgotten. Imbalance? No my issues aren't an irrational imbalance. It's about the realities that hit me in the face that I have nothing to flow to or bounce from. I may slip from one feeling to the next easily.. that's easy to explain. It's cause I don't give a shit to fill the transference with bullshit anymore. I feel things as close to who i am as I can. Just nothing changes... Im still this worthless person. Yeah my words may make u think there is a degree of substance, but there isn't. Im not sure you do understand me, as when I write i can only write one aspect of how I feel and think, when Im feeling more things than just what im writing..... though I guess it's not really me you mean when you say that, more so the point im trying to make... ok fair enough. You do realize that all my life I've looked to everyone else for answers, and I still do. That the only bit of me alive is screaming for control, for the right to feel life and be free as who I am. It's counter to who I am to accept drugs into my life. Atleast prescription drugs. To take them, pop them and feel different. To know who I am without them would be suffering. To know I have turned my back on the parts of me whom are confused and hurting and longing.. Sorry im a lost cause. Better to live in misery and stupidity then to bow and give my feelings and thoughts too. I give enough to this world as it is.. Well.. ok I kinda don't... ok i give fuck all to the world.. but Ive given enough and have to continue to give as it is. It's hard to explain why I meds aren't for me. Im really glad they help you and many others. I'd just rather live and die as who I am, whichever comes first Im starting to just want one or the other... but a hazed stability? No thanks, Ill end up forgetting who I am. Pain is something I can understand. Working through it is another issue... but meds are not the way. Cause to be frank, im not dealing with anything at that point. Thanks for trying, again But I can guarentee you, you're wasting your time if you're suggesting thearpy and drugs. They only provoke my responces from those points of view, granted I give alot back, but it's from a resistant perspective. edit Instead of making a new thread, I'd just like to say, I can't stand feeling happy or being in happy situations. I don't get them.. I don't feel them, and im sick and tired of being in a happy situation and making the people around me ..idk im tired of being an element that may add a slight degree of negativity or neutrality to a happy situation. Im even more so tired of feeling terrified of laughing, of all the god damn worries ive built ontop of that over the years, because im afraid of being happy. ill probably feel happy on a slightly more distance level from who I am, but as who I am? . I have nothing to be happy about in myself. Probably because parts of me want to destroy and dominate. That's a completely different degree of happyness, a never satisfying drink, but it tastes almost perfect. Dangerous though to dwell in.. so welcome to me. Though I doubt i could harness it anyhow, I can do fuck all with anything anyhow. Sigh... yawn... as much as I say i wont submitt to drugs, there are times where i wish i could just replace who i am with someone better. Atleast for the people in my life so they`d get what they need instead of me just teasing their patient needs. ARGGG FUCKKK
your mind your thoughts are all over the place Of course you have the choice of fighting the fight anyway you chose I do hope you win i do. The meds do not put me in a haze as you said they actually bring clarity so much the pain is worse for me inside i liked the state of confusion at least then i had some periods of rest meds bring so much clarity to who i really am You chose to fight the battle anyway you want to i just hope one day you find peace somehow your distortion your racing thoughts no wonder you are worn out you keep having to fight you yourself and that is what you chose i hope you win
.. sigh Im worn out because nothing changes, life just gets worse because i get older. I find barely anything that gives me energy. I gain momentum, strength and energy from the prospect of exploring myself, and ultimatly feeling who I am, because nothing makes me feel me except for me. Actually, I find a real peace and harmony in how I think, i just wish I could write it better, because words tend to make me jaggedy and sharp, and my transitions are horrendous. Doesn't mean im chaotic. I just flow quickly becaus I know myself extremely well, to the point where I can flow from one core aspect to the next. beats the alternative. Being dead inside.. I think youre summary is ... dangerous btw. Telling me how it is and what im doing. Fighting the good fight? I have no idea what you're talking about. Im just struggeling to keep my blasted existence from fading away
Hi Axiom, I’m kind of new here. May I ask how you define who you are? I have read some of your other posts, but I still can’t seem to figure it out. I do appreciate your posts by the way… I don’t know if one has to fit into systems developed and embraced by society in order to be happy. So I’d appreciate it if you can please explain a bit about what happiness mean to you… Thanks in advance
I don't know how to define who I am, I only know how to emphasise parts of who I am by exploring myself and life. But my lack of abilities and understanding, and ultimatley communication hinder that process. I feel happy when i am in sync with life and able to be a rock in the river. .. and god i love sharing the best parts of me with those i love. Being a positive influence means alot to me. In reality, i wouldnt mind being able to just be decent at something that matters, to survive financially on my own and be able to just have a laugh with people. Id probably find enough contentness in that and being able to share my heart with someone special, if they were to share theirs with mine. But at the end of the day, i can't build and be free. It's doable, but im just so tired to keep trying. .. god I want to grow and be more than this. I dont mind putting my chaotic side down, infact id love to. But I want to be able to put it down into something I believe in and can grow. haven't exactly found that yet. As,.. distressing as it is, I really enjoyed your question. :smile: Made me think from a different perspecitive. I would keep going but.. I dont want to find myself and be nothing. Which is what is unfortunatly happening. There's no substance here.. ive just watched it fade away, so.. im just me. Whatever that is. Lost cause, a floater, an undecided,.. i dont know. Sorry. @ eclipse - aw don't be like that. It's a difference of opinon. It's just you've suggested medication multipul times, and I keep saying the samething :tongue: Even though we disagree I appricate your thoughts. So, thankyou :smile: There's something beautiful about flowing with life and someone you love. but yeah. Im a bit worried at letting someone near someone like me. Id love to be able to contribute a perception and view, and be able to embrace and grow from others aswell. But what can I do? Nothing... it's frustrating to be so stupid and socially dead. Im chaotic like this because it gives me the opportunity to feel different things, and it lets me know what I am and what im not. Sort of a way of finding myself when things get overwhelming. Im not like this anywhere else. Even in my head. It's just hard to express how I feel in words. So I come out like a metenally chaotic person. I suppose that's where Eclipse got her conclusion from Which is fair enough.
Thanks for your response, Axiom. I really appreciate it Truth is…I cannot define who I am, either…all I know is that: I am not my thoughts; I am not my emotions; I am not my sense perceptions; I am not my experiences…I am not the content of my life… I am aware of all this. Without the awareness, none of the above can be - so maybe I can say that I am the awareness…? Maybe we are everything and nothing as we are aware of everything and nothing…? Your descriptions under the questions “How would I define me?”, “Who am I below that?” and “Who am I below this?” are some kind of judgements against yourself, not really the answers to the questions… What if the truth is that nothing can actually define you? You said “Im a projector, who hates reality because reality will never be what I want it to be” - where does the feeling of “hate” come from? Does it come from yourself? Or does it come from your projection of other people’s thoughts/judgements? If it comes from your projection of other people’s thoughts/judgements, does it mean that you agree with or believe in those thoughts/judgements as well? You said “i kinda wish i could just be me and feel whatever i wished.” - why can’t you just be you? What could happen to you if you just be you? Or is there anything wrong to just be you? Who is to say what's right or wrong? You know it is possible to go beyond the mind (thoughts/opinions/judgements) where peace (or happiness?) beyond understanding is... Maybe you can relate to the video clip below: Escape the Prison of Your Own Mind - Eckhart Tolle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TrdLi6MSlg&feature=related You know you have the power to free yourself - here and now…and just be… You have been looking/feeling really deep within yourself where the true human nature is - which is more sane than most so called “normal“ people. This is how I truly and deeply feel while reading your posts…
Well tbh, im not talking about the exploration into who I am as far as existence is concerned. I don't care how I fit into it or how I relate to it anymore, ive done enough of that, that I could write a essay into it. But I disagree with your statement about feelings and thoughts and experiences. Granted I agree that regardless I am more than the sum or individual, as I existed before and .. well .. idk and idc to be honest at this point. Im just me, im what I am right now, and fortunatly, but unfortunatly i am my experiences, my feelings, my thoughts, my actions, my disgressions, my failings, .. I am what ive done, and the last bit of feelings that let me connect to who i am through the sum. When I kill myself, Ill remember im more than the sum of this existence, just to make myself feel better. But ill let you know, awareness fades. And the worst part is being aware as it disentergrates in you. It's a struggle to keep that alive. Alot of my rants are a means to an end, a process of opening a door enough to let me see deeper. That's all. meh i have issues with peoples views vs my own, but im strong enough to resist them most of the time. Which is why im getting closer to realising and remembering i want to die. Who I am cant find peace or energy so.. Masks Why Cant I be me? because im moronic, stupid, ignorant, slow.. niever.. foolish.. dillusional.. there are many reasons that stop me from being me. hate is a means to an end, more so I just hate who and what I have become. Im tired of being like this.. im probably going to go back to canada. I know I can disappear there without making a big issue. If I did it here, I have the surrounding people, the fact im a canadian in the uk, .. would kinda make it a bit more if an issue publically. I dont want that crap in my wake. Then there's the part of me that keeps trying. Im almost completely on my knees and i barely hav eenough energy to keep moving forward. So im still striving as it goes. Just difficult when i've lost the fluid motion of talking and logical thinking aswell as having any substance in life, or anything to look back on and feel proud of. My lifes a plain embarassment, so i take no personal pride in who i am. I dont want to disassocate myself from my mind and existence to the point where it becomes minute. Ive lived that way for a bit,... it works. But it's not who I am. I dont particularly want the bigger picture. I want to just feel and explore and if i can express. But all the basic stuff that lots of people use are completely foriegn to me. Or i just hate the sacrafising aspect of putting a mask on. It's weird, I can get on with people when 'were doing something. As long as I fucking can keep up with what we're doing. Usually if it's important it's a good enough intro into talking and stuff and something we can fall back onto. Easy to say this is the comfort of relational aspects, instead of the aspect of getting a foriegn point across to people, because as you can tell, I can't make a simplistic point quick enough because talking so simplistically pisses me off because i simply dont understand without the complexity involved becasue there are so many variables, leaving things with so many potential possibilities that people jump one after the other after the other. Takes me sometime to find my own grounding with what people are talking about. .... because people come at me with the most boring and useless bullshit ever. It's like.. i dont care about you or your life but im supposed to, im suppose to show an interest and talk to you, and somehow maintain it and shit. But I can't remember anything so talking to you is so dodgy because I can't remember what you told me that well even if it was 10 seconds ago. Then they might want to know about me.. oh good lord. I got so tired of this game.. ive literally become exhausted repeating the same song and dance with people. It's hard because I don't care about the things people care about so much. Or I see things differently, so it feels aggitating to relate to them, to put myself into their shoes. But I can get by this, well I could. This is the problem. I used to have energy to just take little pricks and jabs and large ones too. But now im so exhausted. I gain nothing from anywhere really, maybe a couple of people but .. it's hard working into nothing. ug perspective sucks. My lifes shit by the revolving reality of what im doing. My lifes shit by the unfullied aspects of who I am. .. Im sure ill find a neuatral way of keeping myself contained and nulling my more intense desires so i can survive... .. I hope. Things need to change that's for sure. It's just finding the willpower to trudge through the crap infront of me, and the crap around me. As far as that video is concerned... i havent watched it. But im not restricted by the thoughts of wanting to be someone in someone elses eyes or the aspects of importance emphasised by youth and society that i built upon as a child, or the projected dreams and conclusions of what life is all about. Im literally free of that shit inside, now it's just almost pure free flowing feelings and thoughts that are unbiased, as far as my unbiased destructive ripping aspects will let me go. I enjoy purity and free exploration at that point. I may watch the video, but it may cause me alot of discomfort right now because I feel extremely weak as who I am. my only anchor to this world that I feel permenantly is me, so playing around with it based off of someone elses string free flowing logic is dodgy because if i do or dont agree with it, ill end up attacking it, then absorbing it. .. blah.. plus im lazy, and i dont want answers from anyone in that regard. but it's awsome that posts are permenant. Cause I know when I feel more secure, I can come back and watch someone elses view on life and see how they have found their own personal peace. :biggrin: Thanks for the replies, best wishes to you.
That’s cool, Axiom… I do not deny my thoughts, emotions or experiences. I'm just not identified with them while I'm free to have them...always at the present moment when I'm aware... May I ask you: What is reality without thoughts/judgements? Also, is the past still real in the now? Can we experience the future as future or do we actually experience the future as now when it comes? Maybe only now (presence) is real? Most people feel it is okay to judge themselves while the truth is unconditional friendliness towards ourselves is what we need in our natural experiences in reality… You can cultivate unconditional friendliness through teaching yourself how to just be, without doing anything, without holding on to anything, without trying to think good thoughts, or trying to get rid of bad thoughts, or trying to achieve a pure state of mind. You can work directly with your confused mind-states, without waging crusades against any aspect of your experience. You let all your tendencies arise, without trying to screen anything out, manipulate experience in any way, or measure up to any ideal standard. Allowing yourself the space to be as you are -- letting whatever arises arise, without fixation on it, and coming back to simple presence -- this is perhaps the most loving and compassionate way you can treat yourself. It helps you make friends with the whole range of your experience. As you simplify in this way, you start to feel your very presence as wholesome in and of itself. You don’t have to prove that you are good. You discover a self-existing sanity that lies deeper than all thought or feeling. You appreciate the beauty of just being awake, responsive, and open to life. Appreciating this basic, underlying sense of goodness is the birth of unconditional friendliness toward yourself. Please be a good friend to yourself! p.s. Coming back to Canada to live may be a good idea - it feels more open, free and accepting here...
