I don't have anything to say that can help you... But want to say that I read you and I see your struggle. Hold on!
Thanks for the post

Believe me I know the feeling of not knowing what to say, specially when I re-read my own posts.
@ Total Eclipse , - Id hope u know by now I won't take medication, no matter how many times you suggest it. But thanks anyhow, I guess it can help, but I fail to see how elevating certain core states and decresing my ability to feel and think in others a way of being me. The point of my depression if you want a summary, is to be me. I can be happy if I bent all of who I am to fit into systems developed and embraced by society, be it the military or any sort of social conditioning with boundaries. But I wouldn't be me. If I took drugs, Id be "stable" by neglecting the parts of me that are hurting and in all honesty, making me feel the way I do because of real true honest connections to who I am. Wether those drugs are their to help me maintain until I find a foundation or not as a temporary measure is beyond the point. How can I look myself in the mirror and know I failed to survive as myself. That's an act to me of truly giving up on myself. No Im not saying people who take medication are giving up on themselves, it's just how it is for me. Im very aware of my issues and the reasons for why I know Im afailure and to be perfectly honest an idle prick who can't do anything unless i feel the correct sort of friction, which Im finding extremely difficult to find. People say they offer it, but.. as im finding out, im the only one who can be there for me or save myself, and Im desperatly feeling like I just dont give a fuck. And that is my final counter to myself, to nullify my momentum and desires to stop any desire venturing into real negativity. ... ramble. I hate getting close to people. The closer I get, the more I need, the further I am, the more at ease I am and can talk. Meds will fuck me over royally, or create a "better more stable me". Neither sound appealing. The only pride i have left is that I am still me in some fashion, that when I hit these keys or feel my feelings, they are directly a result of who I am. It's all I have left in my monotonous, mis-understood, idle dispicable past ridden life that for some reason good people come close to. Maybe i project some sort of fucking light that makes people think im nice and kind and stable and shit I dont know. But they dont fucking get it. I need things.. I need real things. But at this point it's so bad that Id suck the life out of anyone.
Ramble.. enough with medication. It's not for me, even if my responce "justifies" it to some.
But thanks for the post andsuggestion.
@me, myself and i
To be honest I think you're seeing what you want to see. Inner wisdom is something I defiantly don't have. Objective responces from me is my first and final way of saving what is left of me, and combating my inner most darkest desires by nulling them with reality until they are purely neutral, leaving me with a choice of directing them without letting those desires blind me to the reality around me. You dont want to know what ive had to deal with as far as who I am. I don't to be honest, .. though i guess there are times that I wish i felt the friction of the potential possibility. Now everythings just.. boring, or overloadingly destructive, In a fucking BORING way. It's the same over and over, just in different variations. And when it's not, when it's real.. i cant be me or i mess it up. More so, the potential now for real life to interact with me and vice verca is and has been destroyed by my inability to flow and bounce with other people. And my lack of caring about anything so I have nothing to share.
If I speak generally,.. when I was younger at like 16 i had 100 desires inside of me. But those desires were secondary to my primary ones, which are few.. very few. Very specific, but also very unspecific. A way for me to keep what I really want there but without covering it with my thoughts. But as time has gone, and as my actions show, that number of secondary desires has fallen, because I cannot maintain what I really want and those desires. But im lost without those secondary desires.. i have like three things left around me that I do, and I do them only because i need the bounce, and the diminishing substance I obtain fom them. Everything else im shit at and am becoming more and more shit at. Im at the point of doing what I know and have known I shouldnt do which is get jolts of things at any given time, feeding off the shock until time lets me set in my natural state. .. Well I suppose that's normality.. ok i dont know what im talking about now fucking ramble dump.
Intention and desire? Do you mean to overcome those public issues? I suppose. I was thinking more on the lines of self beliefe in who I am and how I feel about what im talking about and feel. Kind of a self homing becon that even if anyone tries to defy, if i believe in myself, strong enough id be able to logically or emotionally respond accordingly. Or something like that.. yeah intention is in there,... desire? I have to be careful with that.
But in reality.. im literally drained. I dont get any energy. I get this sort of .. weird shield from the people I care about and being around them. Flowing in their flow.. but when im left alone or in the spot light, i can only run off so much before i eventually come to speaking from who I am. And believe me.. I have nothing to say. And thats.. probably because I dont trust anyone. And god.. i hate .. so much when the people i care about. just dont get me. You know how alone that feels? Im sure everyone does, that alone feeling. But the worst is the contrast when it's right in your face. The hope that someone understands, or more so the knowledge, then the.. reality.. Im all alone. An the worse reality that it's not intelligence that disconnects us, it's .. the fact that im fucked and have no means of communicating what i want. At this point im falling asleep inside because im having trouble combating this neutreality inside. Im tired of making myself angry to provoke a contrast. Im tired of believing and feeling happy to find that it's not what I want. Im tired of being kept safe and destroying that with reality. Im tired of .. no existing. And you know.. im tired of people thinking that this, this shit, this pos life that I am is me.
Perhaps im having a moment of disconnection to create a contrast so I can cause some momentary revelation that will make me feel better about myself for being able to feel something new, even if it's through a thined version of disassociation.
im just tired. im tired of adapting to people. I dont lie, but never lie, but i do adapt. I just, am tired of everyone. And im only tired of everyone because im ultimatly tired of myself. I am .. very unproductive in life. and you know what I dont care.. but god i do care when i have to interact with people. The contrast of who I should be and the memories and reoccuring desires of success and pride in who i am rush over and.. when i see who i am and what i have not done and what i do.. im ashamed. Pretty simple, pretty flat, pretty true.. but it doesnt matter just one of those things that
yeah..
i donno maybe im coming close to a breaking point where ill collapse and whatever i find right infront of me ill live for. cause whatever i find now, hold no weight cause i cant connect to it or care about it. I cant do what I want to do.. and bloody hell reading people? That's become.. that was lost along time ago. I gave up on people, i just take everyone for saying the truth now. If u want to lie to me,.. ok that's your problem. I dont have the energy to find your inaccuracies and deceptions. I dread to think of the people like me who are capable of holding their breath any lying for so long without showing any signs along the way.
idk.. my heads having a moment.
To sum it up, cause .. people rarely respond and tbh I dont blame them. Yeah, it's just the anxiety is a bi-product of how I feel about myself. How I feel about people is very easy to maintain. .. making people not know what to say, sitting their in silence, giving them irregularly directed responces so I can control the conversation instead of being natural with it?.. god im just tired. im tired of all of this shit. I dont know why I bother.. it's.. it's doesnt feel worth it, cause ive been saying it is for so long now.. And nothings .. im can't keep waiting forever. If it's not going to happen.. it's not going to happen. When i feel my heart and let it breath.. it feels the same.. just older. An my body and mind are getting worse and worse. ..
God im in a spirally mood. You can kinda see it if you read from start to finish. bullshit or not to some, im just tired, and i feel like my existence is being burnt and melted away in the wind of time. And the exposed flesh that's left is burning to the contact of everyone else. And it gets worse, and worse and worse. I can't create new skin, and I can't create an acceptable distraction. And i can't find me, nor anyone that sees me. But i find loads of people that come close. .. so fucking close.
ug.
another dime another dollar, another minute another dollar, another subjection another zombie... i gotta really stop.