Society's garbage and I can't enjoy my own good life because of it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by goingnowhr, Sep 3, 2016.

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  1. goingnowhr

    goingnowhr Active Member

    I'm 29, and have been depressed since I was 8. From the beginning, the vast majority of this has stemmed from total self-loathing and focusing on what I view as my own shortcomings. I've even posted on this forum and another similar one for years before being unceremoniously banned for whatever reason. I've seen many doctors and tried literally dozens of medications with nothing working, but finally started seeing a therapist this year who has finally helped me feel confidence and self-respect.

    Unfortunately, this has resulted in my depression fully targeting on my cynicism and sadness about society. Everything that can go wrong this year in the world has in my point of view, from a rash of brilliant artists dying too soon to a neverending glut of mass shootings, hate crimes and terrorist attacks to the two most untrustworthy presidential candidates possibly ever. There's a nonstop air of pessimism and hopelessness in the world now, at least in my brain, and it's killed my desire to keep going and trying.

    I've installed filters on Twitter and Facebook to block anything containing words like "Trump" or "racial" and unfollowed/blocked probably 50 people, but it's no good. Bad things keep happening, other people's bad thoughts keep appearing, and even when I just ignore social media, my own thoughts gnaw at me, convincing me that the world's begun a nonstop decline into mayhem and misery, and my life doesn't matter, even though when I look at the facts, I've made several big accomplishments over the past year. But none of it means anything to me.

    It's actually reached the point where I've missed several days of work because of pure sadness, not to mention driving to a <mod edit - method> will kill me (I've been suicidal for years mainly because I can't get a girlfriend, but like I said, I'm more optimistic about that now, so my desire for dying is for a different reason).

    At this point, I want nothing more than to be able to cope with the nonstop horrible things going on, to be able to view the things people tell me are good about the world as actually worthwhile and important, and to actually have some hope of mankind prevailing over atrocities and tragedies rather than thinking we're all doomed. But I still have no idea what will work. Talking to friends and family has only made me and them more upset (to the point that I just go on places like this now instead of discussing it with people I know), thinking by myself does the same, and while my therapist has said that bad events are necessary to drive progress in society, I just keep feeling that progress is done. I've posted other Reddit topics about this, but all the responses have boiled down to "Try and make the changes you want to see in the world", ignoring the fact that I can't stop inequality and hate and corruption from existing. I need to see things the way everyone I know does if I want to stay alive.
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    Thauoy and ToBeAtPeace like this.
  2. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Active Member

    You're not the only one who feels like this. In fact, I was so pleased to read your post. I wake every day feeling the world is evil, things are horrible and there's nothing good. I hate the news, and social media, yet sometimes find myself drawn to them. Today, I avoided reading the news and looking at Facebook by playing solitaire.

    It's truly a fucking awful feeling having this deep seated belief that the world is like this. It truly is. I was worse than I am now. I used to have severe agoraphobia due to fear of something bad happening. I live in London which is generally considered to be a good target for most extremist behaviour, whatever the source. The way I started to feel more comfortable about travelling around London, and feeling something inevitably was going to happen to me or my family was to deal with something called "hyper vigilance". My therapist focused heavily on tackling my beliefs that I had to be extra vigilant about such things and have such things on my mind a lot of the time. My anxt in this respect has reduced considerably, but there are still times I feel it, e.g. at a train station yesterday, I moved well away from a bunch of unattended bags. It looked like the person who owned them was just getting a coffee 10 yards away, but I couldn't be sure.

    With respect to my innate belief that the world is an increasingly dangerous and horrible place to be, including with pending US elections, Brexit, mass shooting, terrorism etc, well, we're working on that. But man, you are the first person to post who seems to feel the exact same as me. I left a job because of bullying and see injustice everywhere, and I often think how can everyone just carry on as normal?
  3. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Active Member

    ...oh, and goingnowhr, google "100 Voices of Gospel". They were on Britains Got Talent. Watch their first audition. It might help give you some hope that happiness can be found in the world. I watch it every now and again. Not too often, otherwise its effect isn't as strong.
  4. goingnowhr

    goingnowhr Active Member

    Does anyone have more specific advice? TBH people posting that they feel the same way just makes me more depressed and hopeless.
  5. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I so totally relate. I remember, as a kid, my parents were excited about the what the future held for me. Now I fear what it holds for the young and rejoice at being older and not long for this world. My suggestions would be to avoid the news and the world as a whole as much as you can. You really can't do anything about our upcoming choice between a liar and a jackass for President. Or the mass shootings and terrorists attacks, etc. Try and find something in your neighborhood that you can make better. Could you help the homeless, volunteer at a hospital, help preserve the environment by getting involved with groups that clean riverbanks and highways. Remember, you are only one person. You may not be able to change the world, but you can still make it a better place. Find an area you would like to work in and can have an impact in and go for it.
  6. WhoaThisPlaceIsScary

    WhoaThisPlaceIsScary Well-Known Member

    The world has been "bad"for a longtime now.You're only now just noticing.The world was taken over by controller demonic type people a long time ago.The bad guys won,for now.
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  7. WhoaThisPlaceIsScary

    WhoaThisPlaceIsScary Well-Known Member

    The "real" world which is Earth, and natural processes,are always present, and amazing.It's the insidious created culture that is horrible.
  8. WhoaThisPlaceIsScary

    WhoaThisPlaceIsScary Well-Known Member

    Hike deep into nature,and you will feel truly home.
  9. goingnowhr

    goingnowhr Active Member

    What the hell? No.

    I think I'm done with this forum.
  10. goingnowhr

    goingnowhr Active Member

    I'm already working on that area I can have an impact in, but it won't do anything other than provide some brief entertainment. People have told me to do those volunteer/environmental things for years, but I know they'll just feel fruitless, since massacres, wars, hate, and global warming will all happen anyway.
  11. Brittless

    Brittless All I loved I loved alone...


    Hello goingnowhr.
    Sorry that you might leave. I see that you are very frustrated with the world and almost with everyone it seems even the people here. I've been at the point where you are, where the world seems like a shit pile- I know you might not want to hear that but it's true. The only thing that's ever given me true hope for the world is to realize that a lot of this stuff that is being reported on isn't as huge as the media or others make it out to be.

    For example, the human trafficking problem can barely be quantified but people have tried to quantify it saying millions and millions of people are being trafficked at any given moment. Looking further into the topic, on a micro level I found out that that's not true, and that where thousands of people were being reported in one city to be trafficked it was actually hundreds.

    I think that misreporting and believing these reports gives the "bad guys" more power and credit than they deserve. Just something to think about. I have no other advice than what you have heard from others.
  12. goingnowhr

    goingnowhr Active Member

    You can't misreport/exaggerate 20 people being killed in a gun massacre every month. Or a cop shooting an unarmed black man and another black man killing innocent cops in retaliation. Or Trump and Clinton. Or Brexit. There's nothing to be hopeful about any more.
  13. Brittless

    Brittless All I loved I loved alone...

    yeah, there are shit things that happen and there are good things that happen. you can let the shit things overwhelm you or you can be one of the good guys and try to show future generations how it's done. That's my take on it. You focus on the bad things. There are good things. How come the good things don't overwhelm you? Because the media reports a lot of the bad things.

    That's my take. That's my subjective opinion. That's all I've got. Take care of yourself.
  14. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Active Member

    Hi goingnowhr

    First of all, I apologise if my post made you feel worse. Now you know I've suffered the same problem as you, I'll share things that have helped me or that are helping me.

    - Understanding that news stories and things shared on social media are always going to be sensationalist and are always going to focus on the worst aspects of society. It does not mean that society is completely broken. Similarly if I do something idiotic or stupid it does not make me an idiotic or stupid person, but I'll focus on that, rather than the whole of me. The whole of me who is good did something stupid which is a tiny tiny part of me.

    - Expose yourself to the good things about this world. Maybe the beautiful countryside or a nice park or garden. If you can take in the unconditional love of an animal. Dogs are particularly good at restoring faith. Take in the good things and believe in them.

    - Even if you don't volunteer or anything like that, recognise that there are people out there who do. There are so many more people doing good in this world than doing bad. Not just volunteers but so many organisations, professional or otherwise. Try and restore your faith in humanity by focusing on what the good people do - pulling together in the face of adversity.

    - Understand hypervigilance and explore it with your therapist. Hypervigilance and a lack of faith in humanity feed off each other and can make your depression spiral.

    There are people on this site who are good and want to help others including yourself. Ok, you might not find things helpful but people will just do their best, as am I right now.

    Also, yes it's shit that talented, good people are dying, for example Bowie and Prince, but rather than focusing on their deaths, focus on the wonders they created. And remember, 24/7 news and social media push these things in your face so much more than before the internet was around, eg when John Lennon was shot or Freddie Mercury passed away. Our heads were filled with entertainment and faith then, and news was only a once or at most twice a day thing we were exposed to. Even then it was possible to avoid the news altogether.

    Anyway, I hope this helps you. If it doesn't, well I'm sorry. But maybe it maybe over time it might.

    Take care, TBAP x
  15. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I think the trick is to be able to tell the things you can change from the things you can't. And to work to change what you can, and let go of those things you can't change. That is a tough challenge. Because so many of the things you can't change are important. But the things you can change are too. Sometimes just opening a door for someone can make their whole day. I know, because people have done it for me. Keep working on those smaller things. They really can make a huge difference in another persons life. And touching another person, in a positive way, is never a fruitless thing.
  16. goingnowhr

    goingnowhr Active Member

    I'm just having trouble finding things to enjoy in life, even separated from all the bad world events. My hobbies include stuff like movies, video games, and drawing/writing with the dream job of working in those industries, but lately I feel that those industries have just gone to shit and even if I got a job, I'd never be able to work on something good. And since I don't have much going on outside of those things with family and friends, well...
  17. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    The world, as a whole, has never been better. At no point in history human have we been as well feed, peacefull and healthy.

    Try to avoid the negativity of everyday news and look at the big picture :)
  18. goingnowhr

    goingnowhr Active Member

    I can't buy the peaceful bit for a second, and that's the one that really matters to me. Food and health don't mean much if you're oppressed, downtrodden or killed.

    Also, I'm very aware of what I can and can't change, and that adds to my sadness. I always try to be super compassionate to friends and strangers alike, and have stepped up my efforts even more this year due to wanting to make people feel better, but none of my actions are registering or feeling meaningful to me.
  19. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Active Member

    If it helps, I did notice you changed your tone, and didn't push back as hard as you did at the beginning of this thread, so there's a compassion I can see that you have for people on this forum. If it doesn't help, let it go.

    Listen, I suffer from depression and anxiety, and I have been totally suicidal, making plans that kind of thing. Past tense. I'm getting better. Just because you feel you're at the end and there can be no change, it does not make that a fact. Yes, when you're in it, it always feels like it's going to last forever, and family and friends giving suggestions they think will help, can make things worse. And maybe you feel guilty for not doing what they suggest. The biggest thing you really need is people reminding you that the situation you're in is temporary, and that you can find real happiness, either for the first time, or if you've been happy in the past, like that, or better.

    You said you've tried dozens of medications. Do you have any diagnosis? My psychiatrist is treating me for bipolar spectrum disorder - very different from standard bipolar. I'm taking medication, some I've had to give a real long time to work, and one made me feel 10x worse before I felt better. That was Escitalapram. I've just started something called Lamictal, and the prognosis is that at therapeutic levels, this kills depression.

    On the non-medication side, I've also started something called solfeggio meditation. I keep doing it, and its getting right into my psyche. Things; I don't know what things, are starting to diminish my depression and anxiety levels (I keep a daily score). As much as you're determined to say there isn't hope, there is. I've been in that place which convinces you there is no hope.
  20. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Social media can be depressing so I don't over analyize peoples opinions and what not anymore I try to stay off FB and other sites and leaving the Internet alone trying to read books and enjoy my pastimes before the internet was invented.
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